lent blog 2013

[ecuworrier]

ooh how exciting we are still in these parts!

it's ash wednesday feels like i got up on time for something which feels mightily odd it feels special odd since i find myself drifting away from the customisation of the internet

today the oddity of the eve of valentine's day... 

GOD has of late got me to sign up for a cell group at a different church and i quite like the idea of doing what hopefully will be valentine's day without the usual advertising environment ... seems we will be shroving it with pancakes and keeping company with ... i really like this ... sounds naff said one .... not at all said i... two folks yes real life sisters keep the tradition of valentine by spending it with each other.. one christian one not...  i have been to one cell group in this place and i really enjoyed it a mixture of folks some not signed up christians food no real down yer throat teaching and yet feeding on the Spiritual ... i have not yet come out but there is an interesting story in this all as well i will have to come back to someplace...

 .... i am still at my existing church but had another falling out last year at really the worst time possible but not just me the important person in the church was not in the best space either but what happens when important person has a bad day and not so important person well ... .... result not allowed to sing during worship not allowed to pray for folks supposed to sit down and listen now how tied up and oppressed can a girl be? and what is church for if one cannot worship cannot talk to GOD or respond to GOD and is forced to listen to some pretty apalling statements about life and at times GOD the about of GOD poor GOD is all GOd ever sees of the so called born again someone talking about what someone else had to say about GOD is that the Gospel.... the Gospel itself has been a theme and GOD's been Awesome with my bible readings ..... well after a couple of weeks of really nasty panic attacks ..i still get them (oh there were other contributing factors to let it be said!) and the amazing of experience of important person making an apology for how rude they were... they were shockingly rude .... and apologies are thin to come on their lips... i have been asking GOD for where to go to church and hopefully at least some of most of the time getting to where GOD sends me though most of the time reluctantly though GOD has been completely Amazing highlighting that GOD is always right.... it's not my idea to go to this new church  which well i like the worship but find the teaching ghastly in as usual more ways than one .... the usual picture- a church that remains consistent in one line of reasoning usually pulls the whole meal off the table one way or another.... even if everyone thinks they have finished

i have been doing solo church quite often church in cafe listening to worship and whatever GOD throws up usually Heidi baker talks reading bible conscious of folks around me gets prayed for
something about that becomes just so relevant .... 

but things have been feeling a bit bleak the world hasn't helped and seems my ol self destruct button is out in jest .... but hey i am reminding other folks.. and it certainly cheers me .... relax GOD is in control.... hah does that not help you breathe easy?

gottago

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

squashed time.. eternity blinks a mo

Psalm 19
Amplified Bible (AMP)

Psalm 19
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows and proclaims His handiwork.
2 Day after day pours forth speech, and night after night shows forth knowledge.

3 There is no speech nor spoken word [from the stars]; their voice is not heard.

4 Yet their voice [in evidence] goes out through all the earth, their sayings to the end of the world. Of the heavens has God made a tent for the sun,
5 Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber; and it rejoices as a strong man to run his course.

6 Its going forth is from the end of the heavens, and its circuit to the ends of it; and nothing [yes, no one] is hidden from the heat of it.

7 The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the [whole] person; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.

8 The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure and bright, enlightening the eyes.

9 The [reverent] fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the ordinances of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.

10 More to be desired are they than gold, even than much fine gold; they are sweeter also than honey and drippings from the honeycomb.

11 Moreover, by them is Your servant warned (reminded, illuminated, and instructed); and in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his lapses and errors? Clear me from hidden [and unconscious] faults.

13 Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then shall I be blameless, and I shall be innocent and clear of great transgression.

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, impenetrable] Rock and my Redeemer.


i'm particularly taken with this psalm at the moment... i like the deafness confounding .... the incipience of Creation manifesting into space and time there is a sense of out of conscious, unconscious, self conscious, connectedness.... out of dust we are made.. out of dust we are created and that dust of the making of the maker the form the maker formed the purity of essence of GOD speaking out and beyond.... is anyone listening can anyone hear does anyone want to hear like the sound is there deep within the sound of silence a silence that is? cannot be? really silence... a silence that is both sound and silence... meaning and not meaning..... i love that the speech of GOD the Word is not what we make of it but what it makes of us... it has effects effects beyond conditions effects that release us give us release into a state of ... well that GOD state that knowing that you are touched by GOD because of how it feels it bypasses completely the works of man and inevitably is not dependent on man.... man afterall is there as helper and not necessarily the most helpful of helpers but born with consciousness that can recognise GOD in GOD's Love and can ask for it without any sense of and a consciousness that can recognise GOD as well as to know beyond words or even feelings what is like what is not like GOD... words are not clarification though they can unlock undo the locks of imposed thought manufactured engineered proposed bought into survival thought the matter of humans among eachother ....  far away from .... clear me of unwanted ... to whom do we address those questions... what is free?

very recently and in the last few weeks i have amazed.... i have been out of sorts for a while familiar as well as... well out of sorts... then one day i only had a few minutes for a quick coffee .. in the cafe i saw a christian i know not very well but we chat briefly ... they were busy talking to someone else... there was a newspaper at their elbow and i didn't want to disturb them so i sat down.... one moment they caught my eye... i knew they were busy but hey i wanted that paper and asked them for it you know what... well open and browse through and the word 'evangelical' and gay blessing or something ... a short passage heads upped.... evangelical yes i know Steve Chalke well i have met him years ago and more recently heard him on radio (years) and now a few days ago.... i tell you the Spirit fell in that place and i looked up and couldn't share my excitement with the person i knew there.... instead i went and told some miscellaneous folks who well ... i was stunned of course for them they haven't a clue...

Chalke's piece appears in Christianity that evangelical rag.... and there is

for me reading his extended article on line and seeing what he is doing on Oasis i am totally gobsmacked it's not that h.. it's great to hear him speak no w he sounds so free the whole thing just breathes life


the word kills the Spirit breathes life!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

continued.....

http://www.christianitymagazine.co.uk/sexuality/stevechalkeextended.aspx ...

you see like i said i have met Steve Chalke allbeit briefly and to respond to some stuff ... a very charming man and public speaker who succeeded in having the company present in unholy titters about an unholy and misogenist joke which annoyed me intensely .... my short conversation with him did not make freinds i was talking to a trad evangelical .... and when he appeared on the radio some time ago but some time afterwards ... same ol' trad evangelical ... the whole penal substitution debate kindov left me cold ... but i tell you i wouldn't have expected a man of some conviction to have become quite so transformed in not only his thinking but following up with deeds what he wants to take on bullying of gays in schools!? nobody does that (except gays) GOD was in the house alright...  i was moved by his comments about the expectation of exposure to some flack from his fellow evangelicals and that that's what gays experience .... it was time for me to stand up again alongside him and so when one of my trad evangelical friends asked me about my week well i was and am pretty Amazed so i told them about my amazement at ... it's a miracle! said i... what you want us to legalize buggery! said they... i was a little taken aback by the terminology and politely suggested they should read the article for themselves.... a few days later the bill to legalize gay marriage was debated in parliament apparently with similar kinds of language used by one or two folks approaching their free vote...

last night i heard a cross the pond catholic nun asked about the future and the pope make some pretty interesting comments she passionately thought that the male enclave should spend some time listening to women...... and desired that same male enclave that have the role of selection of the next pope should choose one who has been a parish priest and been exposed to the real rough and tumble of life and especially one that comes from a family where they have grown up with some stroong feminist women and even some gays! ... i was amazed to hear this ... but enjoyed the refreshed perspective from which she spoke .. a woman with bounce full of life and joy and a sense of realness about real people and real lives

meanwhile back at the ranch.... GOD has got me to hang out at this church somewhat reluctantly though gradually with more enthusiasm as i have had some pretty amazing conversations ... it's one of those churches that could be described as successful by it's 'advance of the Kingdom' it's a juggernaut of an institution .... well back to dragging my feet a few weeks ago i arrive having missed everything... i hit a really interesting conversation with someone who introduces herself as somebody's wife (how very of the teaching traditions of that church thought i -see i don't like the teaching traditions there) i pick her up on that and discover that she is a career woman in her own right! i also discover that she is from far away and she waxes into her personal experience of christianity and church in that far away that is Amazing and miracles and the like abound ... not like here she gestures contempt.... and has me grinning.... the church where we are has planned some time of fasting and praying for the church and guess what! a relatively tiny portion of that is corporate prayer time ... this lady is used to all night prayer events.. Praise the Lord!....   still GOD makes sure i attend some of the corporate stuff......  i wander outside for a fag and wondering what to do next i hear GOD say stop here... and so i do .... i sit and i wait ... folks go past i pray for a few in my mind and then one suddenly spins around and engages me telling me to go to cell group!.. what? it's not actually the first time that this has happened over recent weeks a number of conversations have been of that ilk.. and everytime i explain some form of apologetics why this is just ain't gonna happen.... here we are again.... but there is something about this conversation... this time it is somebody who works for the church who i don't recognise at all he is accompanied by a friend who says not a lot but listens.... i am explaining my long and sporadic association with this church and what i don't like about it and why me being in cell group is just unlikely as an event because! ... i come out ... and we chat about this... i am more than a bit moved by the conversation but i am recognising something Spiritual for sure....  i feel very invited to cell group ... so ok GOD what do You want... i am mindful of the persistence of requests or exhortations to do church...

i go to a couple of fast and praying events ... i enjoy the first... and the second well now sojething rather weird happens i am delayed to get there i go home to eat first and then trundle there walk into a fullflow prayer meeting that is topic based and guess what!.... i want to turn round and walk right out... but something holds me there yup it's all about the gay issues seems thy have been talkin about it and it is on the agenda again...

gottago

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

lent .. a journey of solitude treasured solitude... where one breaks away from the social norms of the time... to give up a little luxury to kneel with the poor to recognise Jesus more to be close we do this for ....

hey me there...

i'm on a hidden solitude...  i am kindof obsessed with the Heidi Baker thing ... i say this only cos as i have been stating all the more frequently of late.... the only christian on this earth i can take seriously ... well that has to be a bit of an exageration... but actually there's encouragement and prophesy in that life showed all over the place... you see one knows one is in a backwater when folks has eyes lit up thristy desirous of guest speakers that's gonna make it all right... the if only's of the christian faith.... this last year i have been ..... well not overly concerned with conferences... you see i have been to a few with the great anticipation and the great excitement and the great return and the great fizzle out .... in this backwater is it different that one comes home excited and then guess what everyone is full of indifference .... is it that one reacts the same way when someone else comes back all filled up?....  you see the last few speakers i was commissioned by GOD to be in the same room as they all say the same thing you gotta get it on with Jesus there's no two ways about it .... it may not be their hysterical exhortation though that in itself wouldn't be a bad message... i have jested that if i were ever in that ghastly place of speaker above all things with the voice louder than the rest electronically magnified that there is only one message.... hey guys what are you doing here? go and get it on with Jesus! you can't walk someone else's faith .... it resonates with Jesus and the disciples Jesus asks the disciples who do they say i am ... well that's pretty much as far as church and the theologians get ..... and you know what Jesus says: and who do you say i am... the answer given rests not only on personal knowledge but also Revelation... and that's kindof like neither nor bookstuff....   or second hand info cos realistically we would have to say ... well soandso says thisthatandtheother and i believe soandso.... (why?  )  and you know i wish they would! ..... but with Jesus there is no second hand answers.... there is no authenticity without the first hand experience and Revelation... well that's what i think and that is more or less why nobody interests me as speaker... that is not to say that GOD can't refresh my soul with a preaching moment or two....   but the bottom line has to be surely i't what GOD does in the present isn't it ?..... 

ok well this year i had the extraordinary addition to my experience of  not wanting to go then not wanting to read  then not wanting to go then GOD getting the better of me and then i read and went with some suspicion.... and GOD got the better of me... you can't go to a place and then what.... this was GOD's answer to my reluctance to travel to listen to anyone.... it was a journey in listening to GOD ... did i have to go to a special place to do that?.. it threw me completely it was about we do nothing GOD has it all does it all.... those were the words.... we provide the circumstance a preacher elsewhere described.... hang on this is my argument

i hope you are spotting the flaws in my argument... all my 'heros'... have had Blessing sought Blessing where the Holy Spirit is sought the council of GOD are led both by the Spirit and GOD place has a setting as does the social journey christian among christian... and / or!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

Never let me go...



i have deliberately not looked up Florence and the Machines or their album... i've never heard of them and that is meaningless ... i have never heard of most music/bands....i played this cos it had lyrics and i thought it might be the next sound track posted here... but .. feels like a how clever is GOD?



this is a sound track from one of the most depressing films i have ever seen 'Never let me go' based on the novel by Kazuo Ishiguro... finding the following song in my head on my way here ...

-it was an odd luxury to have there (see link  below)  then i remembered the film i had seen.... i have spent the previous hour or so pondering different aspects of poverty or rather the poor- i was thinking about choices how the rich somehow made the poor by their choices and the poor somehow became poor .... when i saw the film a clarifying comment in the early sequences is completely shocking ... up to then there was a rather odd idyll of a boarding school with some odd tensions and then a new teacher breaks the tension.... some people will be doctors lawyers teachers the kids join in with suggestions ... but that's not their future... no they will be spare bodyparts for transplant to supplement and increase life expectancy for the more affluent... in the film this is a system that is legal and desirable... each child is modeled on a real person and will supply parts on demand and die a slow death... for me this felt an ugly metaphor for the relationship between rich and poor .. some folks gets choices others are born into making those choices happen ... in the film there are no choices or alternatives what is set down is the human moulded law of life.. the best one can hope for is to be at peace with what one has got....  there feels to be something eastern in this perspective but there is also something of 'we all have our crosses to bear' things somehow imposed on us a life of obligations to others to other's sense of morality like who gets the 'above' right to make these decisions? is this fair.... i despair of the rhetoric that states that everyone can make choices... not everyone knows that they can make choices and not everyone who does things has sat down and thought about the what the wherefore or the consequences... the poor appears to becoming a theme.... today normally i would be off to look for the poor ... well not quite there's quite a lot going on here.... a few meet to pray for a poor area of our locality and it is one bit of church that has been regular for me... we meet in the locality where one lives sent there by GOD .... and well .. a couple of years ago i was wondering what to do next after church when a vip suggested i go and pray for revival i was thoroughly irritated knowing they were off to vegetate and be socialble but once out of sight i thought hey ... so off i set with an all day bus ticket to pray for revival.... i kindov thought first bus ...first stop ... the first bus that i got on was bound for the poor and worst reputation of the locality and oh how i wished for revival to kick start here... you see and this may well be true for many other places.... the middle classes are pretty mobile and move around quite easily so your makeup of community represents folks in flux and folks that ain't goin nowhere ... the biggest achievement or ambition is to move out of the poor area into a more affluent area... so when one is praying for revival for a locality very often it is interlopers praying for interlopers while completely ignoring the continuously ignored locals .... there are exceptions of course... but there is an air of colonialisation ... folks of one culture coming to feed off and adapt the locals to a way of life that suits the needs of the colonials.. if all fails the colonials can always move on and frequently do....



but this is the song i was wanting to find that came into my head on my way it was because of the lyrics there is something desperate about the state of 'love' that has consumed that needs reassurance constantly ... or as much reassurance as it needs... a love that has changed a whole life and one that will never be the same again a happening that is beyond expectation or belief that is thoroughly scarey and unfamiliar and compulsive consuming who is the author of this state of affairs..... do we want this with Jesus is this all to over the top... but some of us we do need reassurance but what about experience or expectations.... hey two of the songs above are pretty deep into a sense of eroticism of the romantic.... and yet the words alone are like the real lyrics of worship the real enquiry the real test of number one.... most of us are content with what we've got... or don't expect much else.... so are we nutters to want more..... i have had a few moments where i have come to the question and not really had an answer... i like the point of no return of Baptism... but how did i get there but for GOD... the lyrics of the first song really touch those themes (whatever was intended by the writers or band) but what next that is really where i am at... and recently by GOD's design i unexpectedly found myself in the room of the first church i went to fllowing my baptism.... i had gone to tell someone from my old church that it had happened.... they weren't there ... the church at the time was in temporary accomodation kindly provided by another church... and there i was back at the begining of expectation... if there is one theme present at the minuteis the one i grumble aobut the others .... what they think GOD should be doing or they 'should' be doing... as christians... it's easy to get bogged down with.... and i certainly feel very self consciouss of GOD from my position of place of reality or consciousness... yes we all are vulnerable and don't want to get it wrong...

another point i came to of stark reality was when i was last in the same room as Heidi Baker she was doing complex altar call with lots of responded to things.... i actually was not sure where i should be and was trying to follow GOD while ... but one call struck home it was about advancing to another place the need to get lower .... i felt called choked and stopped... this was as far as i was at ... and in all senses of reality there was what desire ? timing? i was

gottago

or is it enough to know it's there.... doi we get tested? do we wander off course our own sense of GOD our own sense of self our own efforts .... i meet a lot of folks who are believers onceuponatime church goers and have fallen away... it is a major preoccupation with some churches.... it is a tragedy that folks is fallen away but it's their fault.....   there is the old coal fallen out of the fires metaphor but hey here i am moaning about it and yet the only thing that Jesus teaches is to believe in the one who sent me.... i say this cos churches these days seem to have vision statements they have beliefs spelled out in bullet points and it all seems to be very slick and take it or leave it like tapping for an insurance policy.... or a travel brosure maybe churches should be given star ratings it would be so much easier to know what to expect.... church with no star ratings what would that say... would it help the consumer to have membership t this or that organisation... the trouble is it already exists and the reality is you meet a christian you like they don't reflect the church it would be great if the church was like the christian or you meet a christian who does not look like their church and you wish they did....  it's so confusing!.... so what does believe in the one that sent me mean... to me it's clear that GOD is GOD and that anything else is anything else but how do we tell the difference? are you seriously expecting a tick all the boxes answer... from anyone? but Jesus alone!

Never let me go... it's that when we are having a bad day .... GOD please don't let us get lost, go away do stuff.... it's recognising GOD that is GOD whether we are in the mood or place.. it's recognising we are part of GOD and GOD lives ... but we may not know it in the moment... we know from our human relationships how anxious we are how much we have to lose and we project notions onto GOD but i am tired of the rote of note.... of christian lips boiling out the mantra till it only has the structure of lipservice is GOD still in the house when the service is so far from the servant is so far from the service from ... whose master is it anyways.... at the same time i baulk at the industry of 'the faithful' of the 'elect' of the discipline and ever presence of the few... the folks i is not at all keen to hang out with...  i think there's not a lot of not life but living going on there there is devotion to devotion and no doubt plenty of other stuff... what pisses me off and this shows my immaturity.... whatever they see when they see me ... whatever they is looking for..... do they not know i can see stuff too ... maybe we all needs to spend some time looking a bit more in the mirrors... we is like scorpions in the desert circling eachother but with no intention of love embrace only of who is going to kill who first .... so much for brotherly love... i feel depressed because i see so much i see so much non intention of change it's all wrapped up trussed like a turkey religious freedom freedom for the spirit and gods of religion and otherwise!

i pray for a Release of GOD a NEW FOUND FREEDOM AND BLESSING in the Name of Jesus for all!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love.

[ecuworrier]

haha GOD is so cool... here i am in my seclusion and yet.... GOD brings in church vip and family to do church informally with me.... now they have gone i sit with a relic of the welsh revival ... a postcard that somebody sent from the great happening i have been left staring at it a photo of evan roberts and some other folks it's weird i feel the heat from it the photo has a caption that is discoloured but the photo itself is like white i tell you i feel the heat from it.. it was only yesterday i was moaning about fascinations with events of far off places and far off times... the photo falls as i move to pick it up something else falls off and i look to see the word 'hello' hello of today of now..

what would revival be like i am sure we all have our own ideas and while i complain about the expectations in our own social context i am glad that i am looking at myself ... a few days ago revival ... i am aware of that there are many christians with implants on their hearts that are praying in this locality... oh why so downcast oh my soul!... do i fear their revival? i guess i feel that every revival or move of GOD has it's own features it's own colour if you like and that no two revivals are the same? or am i missing something.... i recently heard about some happenings in a church not too far away.... they were so overwhelmed by the drama of the happenings that they were calling on an american big gun 'to manage it' .... much like the orkney revival called in the big gun of the time who appeared for every revival.... is that what time waits for? a big gun to birth? to supervise?... i tell you GOD i feel let down by that notion... help from elsewhere and they call a friend... rather than ask the audience or ask GOD the author... but i say this ... and i say this.... is not revival about all of us being out of our depth isn't that the point ? a move of GOD a move of something bigger than ourselves...  i confess i have yet to attend one prayer group dedicated... is revival stunned cos i hesitate cos i am not trusting that GOD will do GOD's revival is it me that wants to control GOD?.... cos i don't want to do GOD's Revival?  if revivals have different colours then what does that mean?... a recent reading of the bible came up with .... psalm 82

i groaned when i started to read what GOD had given me...

Psalm 82
A Psalm of Asaph.
1 God stands in the assembly [of the representatives] of God; in the midst of the magistrates or judges He gives judgment [as] among the gods.

2 How long will you [magistrates or judges] judge unjustly and show partiality to the wicked? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

3 Do justice to the weak (poor) and fatherless; maintain the rights of the afflicted and needy.

4 Deliver the poor and needy; rescue them out of the hand of the wicked.

5 [The magistrates and judges] know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in the darkness [of complacent satisfaction]; all the foundations of the earth [the fundamental principles upon which rests the administration of justice] are shaking.

6 I said, You are gods [since you judge on My behalf, as My representatives]; indeed, all of you are children of the Most High.
7 But you shall die as men and fall as one of the princes.

8 Arise, O God, judge the earth! For to You belong all the nations.

but was grinning by the end of it.... oh would that we all could take that on board... our opinions do not matter.... 

John 12 49 This is because I have never spoken on My own authority or of My own accord or as self-appointed, but the Father Who sent Me has Himself given Me orders [concerning] what to say and what to tell.

i tell you it feeels different when we just suspend the importance of our opinion for a moment and let GOD BE GOD!...  with so many opinions and traditions and deferences it is no surprise that we end up in brawls the moment we stop being sons of Our Father and remember who we are.... who we are meant to be.... Jesus never stops remembering Who He is....  and gives us a glimpse... what it takes.... role models? it is hard to tell what growing up exposures of personhood the boy to man Jesus would have gone through or is that it ? Jesus doesn't appear to be saying you are what you eat ... Jesus reflects you are what you give out .... do you have a choice in that? who you are in the outside world.... i believe that Jesus is saying that you do not always have a choice or an apparent choice.. but 'I can take away'  the effects of and the influences that have turned things the way they have gone'...

but i have attended another more informal one and i enjoyed that one and felt GOD for sure... in that one there are no 'cjhurch leaders'... just worship a presence of a few folks ..wanting waiting for... a move of GOD in this place turning everything upside down... bringing GOD's speech into being.. was i just out of practice....  i, what?... listening ... responding? wanting?

'what more do you want me to tell you?' is it that we need to tell be assured by eachother our own status our own persons are we that distrustful of eachother we have to engage with one another talk to eachother but not to ask to wait for an answer to GOD? i can't help wondering if we are stuckj with lovelessness of a blindness to eachother to such an extent that all you gonna get is revival on another planet! just imagine.. a parallel universe with revival fires all over the place .. while we sit numb with the state of unloved except notionally and unloving crying out for some hidden event to happen out there that can then touch us and save us... hold on are we not already saved i mean in reality not notionally not religiously... i hope we didn't forget .. did we want to ? or what or where are we with the what next i do mean deep down in our hearts our souls

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

it seemed to found me rather than was planned.... in part helped by the circumstances of a large bill....  there is nothing more sobering than being taken surprised by a large bill ... not unexpectedly really just one enjoys the non appearance of it.... i straightforwardly resent the expense rationalise how this necessity is a ridiculous expenditure for the actuall use that it gets.... prices have increased and there i am frustrated and phoning to complain.... i will not go with the flow i am unable to and i don't see why i should ... my freedom of choice confines me to.... the person on the line does offer me something that would be cheaper but the overall costs remain and i am stuck with this.... i pay the bill and find someone offering me cheaper alternatives i won't have to change a thing except the arrangement i have.... i'm not sure if i should be saleschatted in this way and i have not asked for it but still there is no hard sell ....  as it happens i have to actually pay elsewhere... and elsewhere i see the leaflets but nobody says anything..... i reflect on how vulnerable i feel how in end effect i am being exploited by my choices and exploited by my inability to make decisions ... i feel quite oppressed by the hardsell no service world of today.... and it makes me think of how vulnerable people may be in less of a situation to rationalise options nevermind if they in end effect are being taken for a ride..... but my bill and my conversation with GOD forces me into austerity week and oddly this acclimatises well to spend at least the first part of this lent reflecting on poverty and the poor... everyday i undertake some aspect of what it means to be poor and reflect on that...

yesterday i didn't take the bus ... often i will buy a bus ticket that will last me the day.. i have found to my dismay that having bought the ticket valid all day sometimes i make hardly any journeys... well yesterday was quite easy as some of my more bus sensible options fell out... but still i walked i was so caught up in the lent thing that at first was contemplating a silent walk that didn't quite happen as i passed one or two christians and waved and said hello but there was something appealing about the otherworldliness of silence....  with many thoughts and many ways that folks are impoverished.... walking takes you past many people it ponders through space i felt a little irritated by that i wasn't on the bus.. but for some unknown reason when underways i could feel some twinges and then i became aware of the laboured gait of those not able to walk freely and without discomfort or pain i was hardly aware of the buses or cars... but an odd recollection came by ... it was me on the bus in the poor area where it was not unusual for someone to get on pay the fare and then get off again a stop or two later.... to my it is utterly ridiculous! the walking would do them good we are not talking about people who apparently have serious health concerns just normal folks going about what they see as the right way to live,,,, nothing about them exudes wealth so the way that we spend what we got becomes a part of poverty... on the other hand the economy requires that we spend money i am reminded of someone's quote: if you give money to the poor they will spend it if you give it tio the rich they will save..... recently i watched some sport in a poor area pub a whole poor family out for the afternoon some watching the sport... no skysports for them at home then! i was moved by the pathos of only a few drinks the kids being required to sit and watch ... some pub game when it was finished

gottago

[Boudi]

glad to see you [posting ecu....I did a reply to the steve chalke piece...but it seems not to have taken!

[ecuworrier]

glad to see you [posting ecu....I did a reply to the steve chalke piece...but it seems not to have taken!

thanks Boudi i saw it

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

continuing the day....

i'm feeling quite buzzing at the minute i'll post a link in a bit

but back to the poor... earlier today i did something i don't usually do but did so as part of my reflection... i went to the library... public space quiet warm it attracts all sorts... i had some copying that i had to do to prepare something by hand to be copied ... seems everyone has to be in the library on a monday afternoon ... and the poor is no exception ... this might be seen as a worthwhile place to be to catch up on stuff read the paper.... but though this both fills the day and adds interest .. i was struck by how public it is everyone knows your business whether it's folks staring over your shoulder at the internet everyone interrupts too crashing into your chair sitting next to you there is little ... in contemporary britain the poorer you are the more folks knows your business and interrupts your development... still the highlight turned out to be someone putting too much money in the photocopier before me one grasps these moments these tiny gifts that means the coins are still in your pocket... not having your own space your own private internet space curtails what you can do .. and i don't mean stuff you shouldn't be doing.... you can't quite relax to get what you need ... there are quite a few regular faces one sees people in poor to middle condition quirky there is almost but not quite a community people really do not speak to eachother the silence smothers the proximity censors interferes with ..

i'm reminded of a conversation i had recently... you can warm to people quite quickly ! i was talking to somebody who had spent some time in the slums in india. they weren't the only one there were other western travellers there too... they spoke about how narrow the alleyways were and how open everything was people's tiny dwellings open for all passers by to see into some colleagues had no compunction about taking photographs right into people's front rooms without asking ... this upset my companion... it upset me too

i'm also reminded of the poor area and all the build for the poor social housing limited space yes there's net curtains doors and walls but the walls are pretty thin... everyone knows eachother's business.. one day i was on a balcony all of a sudden on another balcony people came out and the next minute there was the unmistakable strong smell of skunk no escape from your neighbours ...

a notice board that advertises things going on is sparse there really is not a lot that can be offered to folks with little resources and little personal space to try things out lives shrunk out of their potential....  i say this with some conviction but also note there is a wealthier area nearby but all the dwellings too are pretty small like everyone wants to live there....

ah yes so me ending up in a cafe to further what i was doing...

i finally get round to some cafe church.... someone heads upped:


whatever you think of Bill Johnson and what is going on in Bethel... something outrageous.... GOD wants us to ask for more.......

oh and i did like this wow!



GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

a bit of soulful luxury to cheer me up on this venture....


yesterday continuing ... the evening i did the poor thing... stayed at home ... actually i was wanting to go to a prayer meeting.... but that would have meant a bus ticket unless i set out on a 2anda half hour walk... somehow my ponderings stalled me in the street should i would i.... it is ironic somehow... there is a new craze amongst the housed but begging community of our locality it is to approach folks in the street and ask for money to buy a ticket to get home... there is at least one person who never has enough... it seems to me to be a scam cos i have been asked by the same person several times but even after any sensible bus jpournejys could no longer be made and not a train either.... beyond irritating it is a good point to pray on.. the gospel is beyond the nonsense of our opinions and the gospel provides good things and good resources all good things a new future a new venture.. i like that in the gospel accounts the goodnews is set out even before Jesus arrives it's there for all to see make straight the paths of the Lord... turn to GOD the Kingdom of GOD is nigh the Kingdom of GOD will give you all the help you need...

over the weekend i met someone it was a GOD appointment alright GOD had named a location i had gone to expecting to meet someone i knew only to find i had missed them completely but there at the bar sat someone who turned and engaged me in conversation they thought they had met me i wasn't so sure but as the conversation unravelled i suggested a church they said they had gone to that chruch once some time ago... they said it hadn't helped... they said they had been saved by... they pointed to what they were drinking a nonalcoholic drink .... they had given up drink following that ... i said: you think that GOD had nothing to do with that? sounds like GOD had everything to do with that Praise the Lord... end of conversation but only cos person had mentioned a mental illness and i was feeling... well  i was feeling a bit vulnerable prayers for the person indeed!

so GOD will and does want to and to do help! even in mysterious ways!

so not going to prayer meeting hey i said i could walk... but chose not to it was too difficult peh peh... do nothing... well not quite there was a footie game on that i would normally have watched in the pub.. so yesterday i was gonna do that stay at home and just listen on the radio.... at home i did stuff like cook like shower... all this costs fuel.. and i wondered about the traditions of wood fuel how were folks managing where previously in time this was a relative abundance not being able to cook some places meant not eating like where the food you have like rice has to be processed... i also remembered stuff like the metred shower like only doing a short shower for fear of being deluged under cold water.....

gottago

[ecuworrier]

something from out of space... well it wasn't a bang or a whimper were you worried... somebody i spoke to on the evening of the non event wanted to watch it....  it was a great anticipated non event that well i didn't watch though i know someone who watched some sort of tracking something on the internet...  the russian event was something else ironically on the same day reminds me of the power of GOD the beauty of GOD.... it sounds naff but something of GOD's fireworks display one year watching the meteor shower in autumn on a clear night was scinitillating when GOD does fireworks pay attention ..... somebody..... the ability to predict a phenominal event like that .... 


that could change the earth for ever is amazing..... it reminds me of one of those disaster movies.... an odd feature of which was Morgan freedman as us president... well that bit has come true...

the outside is a big world.... a place to paint and place one's dreams and leave them to hang ' if dreams were horses beggars would ride...'

dreams are for free.... i have them.... i know someone who is full of wishes almost all of them impractical... i fijnd myself losing presence when i am around them.... i guess dreams and imagination are for real in the lives of the have-nots who have time to daydream.. but an asteroid hitting the earth would well.... would it be a leveler it would depend on where it hit earth the rich would they have their bunkers their survival insurances while the rest take theri chances.. this is something i think we see to some extent with folks leaving trouble spots .. what about the folks who remain? in a place of war... do they consciously make that choice... that things will blow over soon this thing from outside.... leaving a zone of danger.....  in the disaster movie the roads are gridlocked some people choose to stay and face the music some people stay with them some people can't move physically some people have priveleged tickets out of danger with roads gridlocked though.... only the first folks can do the move successfully.... what divides folks? yes ability and resources ... serendipity.... in disaster situations folks are organised shepherded herded rich and poor alike out of there... disaster becomes a great leveler.... the rich recover the quickest? not necessarily... it takes not too long to erect a shack if that is what has blown over... so long as the materials are available.... one cn almost do it alone... a lot of people are required to change the light bulb of the palace on the other hand.... where is JEsus?

poverty has been in odd dribs and drabs....

me forsaking the pub to watch tv.... well i was pondering stuff and really not enjoying listening on the radio and GOD let me go and watch the second half i had a half... and you know what i felt a betrayal a betrayal of the poor ... why cos no sooner was i in the door and the haunted frightened eyes of a poor stared their hollow truth at me... no idea who they were they were with folks but the pub i was in i had asked GOD GOD got me to go to this ojne to see.. to contemplate how much i dislike the pub itself but for it shows sport.... the clientele are not necessarily the poorest bnut there is something of a spiritual poverty jjrife here folks are often kindof the working working class relaxing aft6er work or there as retired... there is an air of the poor bourgeois about it... dyed hair think make-up something like out of 1970s corrie conversations i don't want to overhear somehow the sadness the relics of sadness the unaccompolishment an absence of dignity.... the hard of life ungainly covered up with the uniforms of depiction oh Lord where are the uniforms of Grace?

i overhear the conversations about failed spread betting.... what though i ghave noticed is the betting shop in the poor area i have indeed been in that one.... the chain has gone to the usual expense.... but this one remains a sense of decadent underutilised art deco in vain... within not the usual assortment of chancers and folks escaping the cold ... there seems to be unedifying in wealthier places it seems ironic and unlikely ... the sterotype of the poor living in the betting shops and perhaps some do...... 

but my actual undertakings have been... yesterday i accepted a lift where i would normally have caught the bus..... with precisely the dependence of the poor in mind in fact GOD being GOD i was being inundated with lifts... the one i accepted.... turned out to be complete chaos... my solitary travel amidst strangers was

i return home to discover i have not been shopping i am hungry... i have missed the shops ...... my cupboard and fridge oh no empty.. i recall the social worker once related how visiting a client the fridge contained food for the baby and none for the mother.... i once read a paper on how women in some p0art ofafrica would be the last to be fed that is after husband and children yes in that order....????????!!!!!!!!    aaaaargh!!!!! GOD!!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

and so the road of the poor continues... limitations to resources access and exposure... here i am again without sound... and reminded of an event i went to in the poor area.. it was a community event intended to show case what was going on in the area... it was an odd mix due to the history of the area that had created pods of middle class activities represented and some low budget offerings...

...i say middle class activities with a sense of some irony.... two of the three middle class activities were very much low budget in outlay and drew on traditions of the cottage industry and something that might have been accessible in part.... both these were ... i had a sense though that middle class attracts middle class and that that is not though invited to engage .. stands back.... the middle class adooption of the cottage industry was a case in point... no longer were the crafts of essential housekeeping and creativity the preserve of the poor but now of the well heeled .... carefully researched carefully organised display carefully labeled in neat handwritten illegible but to the persistent... the good middle class folks were happy to explain .. so why did so few ask....

the asking of questions ... like what do you ask? ... well what do you want to know?  at what point in the formulation does it all go wrong? at what point in the answer does sentence construction lose the listener... what then .... i didn't really want to know? well if i had i would have stuck it out? where is the cutoff point of no return... is it the sociability of cottage industry that should allow folks to gather together to do and to chat and to share... they are stuck up .... but are they .... they are repulsed but are they? .... who would remain to stare? the middle class folks were really happy not to notice you and well with all that going on who would get involved?....  i came away with a leaflet i was hooked on the excitement of it all though thoroughly unlikely to actually do anything with that ....

i recently sat in a cafe and found myself sitting by two engrossed knitters..... a man and a woman discussing the basics of whether they should have rather stayed at home to cast on before coming out because they could concentrate better... the conversation of technicalities tripped throught the air.... knitting something once every self respecting household might have done? now the preserve of middleclass fanatics i envied them just for that time equals happening ever so slowly but time moves on and nothing becomes something ... well me i get very irritated irritability invades my motor ability and bang inactivity! but i can see that for others it might be grounding and creative and sociable.... what if you cannot read a knitting pattern though ... what if you fear not to be able to understand a technique explained to you by middle class person in that sort of context... what if you are not comfortable with folks socially?..... classes and learning are very much a middle class thing but the sad thing is that they are also available for whoever ... but if your friends can't go? it requires an insatiable curiosity the social space a desire to learn a knowing that you can at least try... i spoke to someone recently who many years ago had attended a  crafts class in order to make new friends.... they found themselves in a very unforgiving clique who weren't in a hurry to make new friends they found themselves ostracized....  humiliated and stopped going and that was pretty much that .... i was shocked... for me well if you wanted to learn something that's what kept you there surely? if you want to make new friends you join another class surely? the rising tiger of inhibition functions on so many levels against the i am alive therefore let's see wow!

cost is a factor though... one of the classes being offered appeared quite otherworldly and it was but that was it's appeal... i know that no uniforms provided none required and no accessories either but the cost modest by resourced standards becomes prohibitive when you have to justify it in terms of personal finance against all other costs or family finance.. you have to know why you want to do it or not to do it so why would you do an initial outlay to find that out?

the poledancing on the other hand caused great interest.... me i was thoroughly shocked... at the thought of that being one of the few activities available to do in poor areas... for obvious conotated reasons... how would one get into that in the first place....   it's like a degraded form of army recruitment .....  something that does well in poor areas simply cos well there ain't too many options open.... and canon fodder is not exactly the way it is posed...  still i was a bit awakened when i saw an exhibition by the regular teacher a bloke who made it look all about movement and strength and body toning balance and development while looking pretty artistic without looking limp.... a woman expert showed similar skill .... it looked quite interesting....  but still with circus skills rather than skills of seduction at the focus.... i wasn't entirely convinced... the juggling looked pretty good as an activity of concentration and meditation

some music groups were great.... one for the very young... i was really pleased for this level of participation ... music is best introduced to the very young and some more sophisticated efforts of a small band were also pretty good... but i reflected ... and the girls well they got to dance... which is a really great physical activity in a class but  is it with flashing cameras and young girls....  the exposure of the poor young women to what options exactly?

since then i wondered into a music shop.... i fantasise about what.... the if only ... money and somewhere to put the baby grand? well there i was browsing and someone was playing something on a keyboard when suddenly there was i looked it wasn't them.... they had gone some classical music was being played by a young person at suitable breakneck speed with startling accuracy and poise... and then another....  are there no prodigies in the poor area?.....  the ingredients to go into that ... it was amazing because a young person was making something technically challenging look startlingly easy therefore it was surely

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

so what was it i didn't do yesterday.... ah yes

[ecuworrier]

backagen...

the lost post of earlier....

yesterday.. the pinched pennies...

i finally go shopping though not before ... sometimes you are forced into something that is beneficial .... i told you i opened my fridge cupboard bare! and in that moment panic resignation as well as ... well i've been at a few places where the cupboard is literally bare ... and that is after a night out... money spent all on the night out beer fags maybe transport .. come back to mine so we do .... booze but no food.. one finds out at some point that person with no food in the house has one or other health condition... maybe that's part of the journey of life... booze and social life come first and in that a forgetfulness of the basics.... although my cupboard was bare and i felt a moment's annoyance .... the lack of money as staple meant i did not go forth in search of something i was hungry but resigned to... then i remembered my freezer and actually found something more nutritious than what i was planning which made me think of cuba and the fertilizer crisis imposed by usa which meant they turned to organic farming... sometimes a crisis can be resolved into something better... well me i could have gone to the takeaway but then i would have eaten a loadofrubbish and spent the bulk of my pennies with not a lot left for the remaining days of the week ... i would have been satieted for a couple of hours and that's that... i had actually been prepared not to eat anything... it felt unnatural but that's what loads of folks do out of inconvenience out of necessity... i was delighted to have something to eat but it didn't really make up for anything i was feeling bad guilty about having something where others had nothing....

so when i finally get shopping there i am in the shop scouring for reduced items (this in itself is not unusual) until i get to .... a number of iterms are reduced and i am hungry and  salivating then GOD decides to get involved.. there's me all poiised to shop items according to reduction and treats... i end up buying some bread that i would not dream of buying i know GOD is testing me on this ... i don't get a reduced treat and i am feeling annoyed!....   but this is the reality of life... i don't need the treat but i sometimes indulge GOD allowed treats... but i do need to eat ... in retrospect is GOD not telling me something about mannah from Heaven that i did not quite understand at the time? i am standing in the shop miserable deliberately ignoring the shopping of everyone else cos that would feel humiliating everyone else buys necessities in forms they like and treats and the poor buys what's not quite good for them and treats ....  education or habit? you don't want to end up like that stuck up .... no we are all in it together..that we don't get to buy food for pleasure .. we buy pleasure .. and survival... earlier in the week i had bought sojme processed food on the hoof ... it was cheap and i would normally ignore it cos it was processed food and look for alternatives... but cos of this project i did buy this puffpastry effort with cheese and onion.... the one thing it was was filling.... it tasted unpalatable but it stopped  a hole... and i did it simply to sample the food for the poor unhealthy and cheep i felt a degree of camaraderie and that was it... it was a strange experience... i was active so thankfully did not need to savour the ucomfortable afterflavours of digestion something about it makes me in no hurry to repeat the experience... somehow the solitude of the bare cupboard almost felt like a salvation in comparison...

it's weird to reflect on food and the poor in this way .... it's not quite like famine affecting whole communities... it seems quite frivolous... malnourishment comes in as many forms as diet is in imballance with bodily need.... we seem helpless to find an integrated view and solution to the various crises forms... not having food is one thing in a community experience of cuisine develpment ... being overwhelmed by choice for the individual caught up in fractured cultural social historical journeys is quite another..... when food is scarce we got to come up with plan B but when food is plentiful we are left with the dilemma of choice .... and how do we make those choices personaly and culturally; and if we get into bad patterns how do we remove ourselves from these or others?.....   the processed food revolution has somehow added to and confused the issue..... we can no longer hold the ingredients in our hand and think hmm let's actually thow that one out and start again.... we want things to feel easy we want some exotic something a bit extra we want to be fed and we are being fed by an invisible hand at a price.... this brings back to the mystery Mannah from Heaven where is GOD in all this is this calling out to GOD ... calling out to the great unknown to entrepreneurs relying on them all?... the urban experience is to think outside of logic outside of good sense outside of actual busy need to develop taste opinions judgement based on flavours what sensations does one need to get through the day? in community based poverty there is a searching for a comminal wisdom 'the right thing to do'... is not necessarily the best solution but it is a convention...

it's hardly felt freedom of choice this visit to the supermarket never mind the peniless state ... i have been feeling overwhelmed and oppressed by choice ... this week i am feeling frazzled with in the face of so many people i have felt lost... if i cannot see me then how can i trust my senses.... when senses are preoccup0ied with everyone else and bombarded with possibilities and advertising? so how do we actaully manage in the urban environment....  ?  shoping in the poor area has been an eye opener.. to be honest one does not know the real state of finances of the folks around one the fact that young men and women and kids look terribly frazzled doesn't mean he isn't on good money... other social aspects and practises come into play AND diet.... families mum and the i lost count at 4 kids someone to organise all the food where does dad or dads come into this? kids is it undernourished or not quite thriving... family outting in supermarket doesn't sound like fun i remember it well being along not to help with the shopping as such but to be there cos you couldn't be left at home... great! other families kids having pandies and adults just not thinking about anything but response to kids as in treats ... some trolleys do look like every day a party... unthriving kids unthriving parents... no wonder the poor can be pretty defensive about the middleclasses nosing about their business... not managing not coping is well humiliating to the vulnerable being inspected by the colonials.....

but it was another hook that had me there thinking... earlier that day i had been summoned for a coffee... i really did not enjoy my companion's choice of meeting place.. a showy expensive chain... i have arrived without having left the house properly i have not had coffee ... my coffee is paid for for which i am grateful.... the highlight is when talking about Jesus Healing and a woman with sticks suddenly appears and sits for a while and goes... you know i wanted to pray for her go up to her and pray... instead a carry on conversation as soon as it verves she's off i feel disappointed something has not happened there that must!... my companion gets another tea.... now this is where normally i wouldj be pleased to buy that drink me i am still ok on the not quite pleasantry of late coffee with a glass of water ..not at home... and you know what ... i shock myself with what i am thinking... i'll say nothing! what am i thinking? i am remembering someone we used to know who had an air of a poor thing and indeed was a poor thing of sorts who was very used to christians buying drinks and meals for them... and christians were very generous in many ways ... so how was this person poor? they were from a working class family of industrial workers able bodied and able minded but they had not turned out as the rest of the family and the adventures of life had ended in culdesacs of hardship that the limited edition mollycoddling of middleclass christians who could afford to throw a bit of money in that direction and so did in a modest but dedicated fashion including the plight of the poor in those middleclass christian activities and going out of their way when the chips got rough... so this person was born again amidst the mollycoddling but there was quite a bit of brokenness that got discussed in separation somewhat from these good mollycoddlers.... and the things that they did kindof went well..... money went on booze ... structures to manage limited finance were non existent.... the person's Spiritual desires were not realised or guided.... they distanced and then they died sadly and unexpectedly....   as they were about to embark on a very different form of christian mollycoddling... this person wanted to be taken seriously as a middle class person even though they had a lot of learning... they loved GOD but they loved to talk in that middleclass context with middleclass language and well something was missing rather a lot of broken handles needed fixing and the middleclasses were content to do the decent thing and include the broken person in their activities occasionally barbs would emerge.... having that ability to socialise though on the level of being and listening and occasionally speaking was mistaken perhaps for something beyond what it was.... after the shock death the word 'pride' was used a lot.... the truth was none of us knew about the potential of the Gospel beyond what we had seen ... there was a real social context to what had been and that crumbled with folks going elsewhere.... one way or another and nobody was left for the high maintenance extraction of life that GOD had begun.... pride was not a helpful descriptor... i felt...  and the word broken is not touching the nub... seems we all had opinions about what was best for them but nobody to put their life where their mouth is ... 'cept Jesus... i have spent a lot of time blaming others and myself in truth we were not equipped though we had all the tools in the bag and a paid for account with the suppliers we weren't looking for the training or the contracts


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

when you say ... something is unacceptable you put your body on the line but that's not the point at which to sit down again but the time to get ready GOD to go ready

[ecuworrier]