lent blog 2013

[ecuworrier]

aaargh ... to continue my fume... will have to add the story later.... 

so ok i t centres around particulation of society so let me add a bit... i have acquired a new 'enemy' .... i am completely overwhelmned by an inyerface type successful entrepreneur ... well successful enough to be able to muscle in on my department with many self teachings with many ambitions with many attributes with a big inyerface mouth... there was me breathing easy cos one had moved on ... and there is me still standing and ambling on the spot going nowhere slowly ..well ... the missing bit explains something of this my small life framework that in common with the poor how we rationalise our limited resources... the new person perhaps comes from similar beginings.... i find myself sitting next to them they are annoyed cos i am sitt5ing in their seat interrupting their night out and hey you know what i am not moving anywhere we are all in it together innit? well not really... i feel vulnerable to the voracious appetite of some to consume you to eat you alive take the shirt off your back and give little in return... hey i am exaggerating and this is completely my stuff! ... but everything they are saying and they does try and engage me in conversation in the end i completely clam up  and listen with disdain this is not what i want to be hearing i am in survival mode this person is searching out things to eat to eat me alive... it's not true that they are not generous they have just arranged to pay for somebody to have a turorial Bless them for that... but the more mysterious figure that i present .... it is a time at the minute of reckoning ... the weekend has felt a rude awakening and i struggle to efface the rules of combat only seeing that i have been outmanouvered outthought and i feel completely helpless... it's like that chess game you know it's your move but you haven't been planning what you are doing with conviction so you move and whoopsy the game is lost sop you play again and the same thing happens.... i feel targeted cos i feel vulnerable do i feel some envy perhaps of not that it is easy no but that they persist and through their effo4rts cojnquest me i am hiding behind a rock looking on ... i feel depressed today ...everything is crap i8 am going nowhere... and not quite fully engaged with GOD that is the point... i mean it's all very well for GOD to be smiling on but hey this is paradise actually it's deja vue and it's a bigger 'demon' this time while i am chasing my tail ... and being stamped on.... i get to the point that for all their attributes i don't like them ok so i don't want to learn that way... i have already abdeicated from one opportunity though i really enjoyed the alternative... you see i am getting left behind and everyone else is getting those opportunitities.... i want to cry i feel a fool but my tears are dry! this is all so deja vue for me personally too and this is too a paradise at least this time i have GOD!  and... when we don't do things with conviction we...

yes i wa spondering about this earlier ... when was it that in community people started having status and value for certain things they did or undertook? and then got paid ? i ponder this against the whole church thing the roles of annointing and that thing about annointing for roles where did #Jesus do that?... i mean in Acts Luke puts it that way about Stephen's appointment to give alms to the widows.... we talk about the receiving of 'gifts' but the Holy spirit has everything and the Gospel surely is about releasing us all into a sonship of all things as and when required..

oh and finally remember that flute ? i mentioned it above well and then forgot it and then pretty much as it was then... the flute came up again ... it had been brought to play in church for GOD! great! but it didn't get played the person wanted to play Jesus of my desire.... but... well they did play it then outside the church.... and reported that it didn't feel right to havbe played it before me ...  they wanted to play it to GOD... so do i i need a bit of that now!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

argg... it's been a while .... and a very sad return with news of somebody passing... it's not fair... when folks stride out into a role that has far reaching touch if the plug is pulled suddenly some life glue has vanished.... and a lot of people are left with a sense of disaster... what has happened .. it's not fair... it's not fair to not know for example how one is ..

it seems trivial but yesterday some conversations all about bereivement.... it had just been announced that a very generous hosting was about to end quite suddenly we were affected and in a private moment with someone quite tearful i ventured that things end for better Blessings... i sounded quite confident had i not been paying attention?

as .... someone introduces someone as cousin and friend friend for always... surely that should have been cousin for always ... well some cousins were only met every 3 years at funerals where one asked how they were and then well ... one didn't know one's cousins at all really .....

could one not know one's cousins as cousins... some families have an awful lot of cousins ... i was amazed at someone saying they had 30 cousins that they had grown up with in the same neighbourhood... what all with birthdays and birthday presents and parties and things? that seemed an awful lot add in friends and... i baulked a little as i kindov felt this was like what the poor families were a bit like... not everyone but ... well kids failed relationships more kids more failed relationships and so on... way of life or happening of life? and before you know it you have 30 cousins to buy birthday presents and christmas presents for .... how does that work for the poor? do they stop having so many parties or presents.... i mean... what sort of presents could one be resourceful with that can get folks out of the poverty trap... i mean when one has little to spend one has to spend something don't you and does it all get lost someplace? gifts should be meaningful lifechanging surely?... and in truth this can happen on a small frame... but hey we being given stuff to we get no choice.... you have what you have been given and nothing more and nothing less... it's what you've been given ... oh how i resented that some folks seemed to be able to be smug all the time... and how curious i was about some folks who had apparently nothing!?... i kindof love something weird happened to me at some point and totally without planning .... the resentment of the rich on the basis of hey why not me turned to you know what why would i want stuff where i get to swank past others.. and there ain't a thing they can do about it! somehow it doesn't matter how hard the swankers work at it ... what sort of reward was that?  some people love the idea of rich christians... recently someone told of how they had visited a rich christian and found them very humble and that had changed their view of being rich and christian... it did not fall well with me at all... the thing is what do rich christians actually do?
back at conversations what makes you happy money doesn't make you happy... not having enough of what you really needs makes you ill or makes you pretty fragile ... but is it about money? something sticks in my mind of recent storytelling exposure... if you are rich you can afford to have ideals if you are poor you play to different ball game rules... it is from a rich place that one can do the sharing.... well we had 'social changes' following the second world war... hardly a rich time ... but a time for investment in principles that had ongoing effects....  that now... well it's the rich kids run the street gangs and who do the street kids look out for? .....that there is something terribly disturbing about this... it's about survival.... but we can make a choice about looking out for folks beyond ourselves and some do and Roger in his way and in his scope was good at this


gottago

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

ooh loads of catching up to do!

start with here amidst a swirl of distraction ... yesterday what comes to mind..... out of my eye i catch a glimpse of a young woman and what i assume is a push chair my view is not good ... as i pass the church i notice her sitting on a bench outside .. and while i am completely caught up in the sustained expression on her face of this feels all too much .. i suddenly notice that it is not a pushchair but a wheel chair the young woman (maybe late twenties) is with a much older woman.... it is Holy Day the church is having an afternoon service they don't go in but sit on the bench outside the young woman in strain.... this is what Holy Day is for catching up with... relatives perhaps.... there too poor for what? they don't appear poverty stricken but there is something poor about their actions their demeanour ....to spend some time in the cold communicating with eachother difficult communications ... there is something startling about the expression of strain on the younger woman.... this is not what she woudl choose? and yet it is what she does... it is easier to speculate than to go up to them and say Jesus Loves You and leave Jesus to do the rest....

earlier that afternoon i had listened to some radio... it was good to hear a former bishop? talk of experience of grief so graphically of course the part that he moulds into is that of ..... where Jesus on the Cross says oh GOD oh GOD why have you forsaken me..... that moulding of the pathos of real life.. where the loss of a loved one renders one incapable of being one personally or socially.. even to the extent that the bank doesn't recognise one's signature... unable to want to be with people when they are there unable to cope with being alone when one is alone he talked of the loss of his wife....  how tough it is to be a 'cheerleader' when others are going through stuff how glib but how physically consuming grief is.... i don't understand why the psalm 22 gets so little attention here... before that programme... i sat through

R.S. Thomas verse play 'the minister' adding to my collection of  programmes about religious communities ... i did enjoy the language and the images of struggle of the everyday of the man appointed by GOD role of pastor in a community ... i loved the conclusions of the writer of the confusion religion has with foundations of GOD exhibited in Creation... i keep thinking about this passage in the Bible about Solomon who's first activity on receiving that promise of Wisdom from GOD is to learn all about animals and plants... nobody else is described in that way ...though perhaps Jesus spending time alone in the desert and his refering to plants and animals uin the way that He does... no the urban man Paul doesn't so neither shall we!.... but i have already seen the film Ordet see below... still it is a theme about complexity of what happens everytime we get some folks being experts .... RS Thomas's pastor is supposed to talk the stuff that GOD talks again and again till folks is ready to hear the truth....   so it is interesting to see the unfurling of man bedded in man's attentions and eroded in man's efforts and the insistent expression of rough nature knocking on doors bursting through windows relentless presence on the hills and valleys of Wales that that too may be saying something fundamental that it is here before us and carries on without us or regardless of us... something like that... it makes me think of ffald-y-brennan and a poem i once hear from the eisteddfford full of the rasping sounds of the welsh language gorgeous compelling all about a salmon in a stream and i suspect much more ... it reminds me of that moment of lostness in the wind and horizontal rain there standing with no visibility surrounded by frightened sheep and 3endless hussocks of tough grass and endless spread of water with uncertain footing ... something of the Holy Spirit took me to and back again that journey of figment of learning to trust to be guided... it is only recently in a conversation we were exploring something i hadn't trhought of like that though i could have... it was about trust .... trusting the 'group' trusting others..... trustin self... how i had to acknowledge that i trusted neither.... trusting GOD well it is where you make contact is it not? and stay connected... the place you no longer set up your flag pole and say this is an island this is my nation... does this sound risky? to take down the flag? well in real life well.... but to let in GOD ... my feeling is that in letting GOD in automatically this lowers the boundaries, loci of contact with others... and GOD is everywhere.... we are not always ready for that and i am not gonna make the excuses i hear others say that annoy me.... this is an adventure and one that everytime i go into .. yes i freak out but it is an adventure... so being lost on what was a marsh and relying on GOD was marvellous! the moment i trusted in the 'what had gone before' by man and beast i was sent flying! GOD is there in the exit GOD is there in the safe place... the safe place is not safe because it is what we recognise as such by our own recognition... it is where GOD is

gonna take a break again

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

have had some troubles getting on ... so tried to catch up :


ok here i am again unable to get where i want to in more ways than one ... with loads to catch up on....
 
let's start with what's on my mind.... i have been bunking everything but i am not alone.... on weds i sat in a cafe GOD got me to do so and i am next to a dear lady who chats to me i ask her if she is going to church she clearly does this is an exciting week for christians... she only goes to the sunday service these days... for the GOOD NEWS! i kind of like that... like what is the point of the rest of it?.... well the Holy week leaves like a smoke drifting around that settles in the atmosphere this is very different from other jhholidays yesterday evening everywhere was sooo peaceful..... i bunked housegroup oh and the vigil and last supper and
 
and today too... i miss the walk of witness and the morning and afternoon services... i am pondering this it's true i woke up late but there i am in the afternoon and i can see folks going into a nearby church and me i is i don't want to... i am so enjoying my solitude.... 
 
earlier in the week oh was it oh yes it was ... weds i was at a bus stop standing there and i saw a church leader coming my way who i hadn'tseen fo r a while... we chatted i explained that i had not been in church much for a while i was waiting for a bus and was already late and i was scratching the surface and i  could see the  concern on his face and my talking about ffaldybrenin was not helping and there was the bus i haqd to catch.... i had to catch it... you see all this was lost on the dear man .... when i arrived at my destination GOD's timing was as always perfect.... i was at an out of the way location.... arriving to see the one person leaving for his car... there had been a change of venue and had i arrived later i would have been stranded with absolutely no information where or why!
 
i have a feeling he might have been God bothering for the next day....  well let me first tell you about the evening... i got stuck i felt a bit at the mercy of others but maybe worst of all myself ... hey thi is part of the course....  i was feeling very self conscious about there had been tensions... in fact tensions galore...between me and more than one other person.... and i felt conscious this was not a good place... so GOD sorted stuff... so at least with one there were communications which was great!...  and the other... began singing for them a favourite song which was very much a Gospel song they got another glass of wine.... the body of Cjhrist no the blood of Christ they raised the glass ...AMEN hallelujah from me!.... my pockets were emptied a bible that condemns us they said that was pretty religious to have a bible ... so help me Lord .. and something about showing a bit of Heaven? a favourite song .... smile from me! i talk about the Holy Spirit what is that... the presence of GOD .. so hug with them and then....not that GOD crap... smile from me GOD BLESS you for the second time....
 
i am tryihnt to tell the story about a song that haunyted me through years 'by my side' from Godspell... which i didn't know what it was called or where it was from only that it haunted me the feeble memory of snatches of the words here and there and a bit of tune not enough to actually sing the song even.... interestingly there was a song that i could sing in its entirety and oddly i remember doing that many years ago... i was in a house alone feeling very transitory when i just couldn't stop myself heartfelt sing 'day by day'  wow! you see you look back on this and remember and that how odd that the only songs kept staying with you in odd moments of distress that somehow kept track somewheree were GOD songs... i couldn't call myself a christian as such i believed somehow in a god out there but ... and yes it was a bit weird and scarey ..... today i said to someone pretty mych the only conversation i have had and that with a  christian.... about kindof reflecting on my relationship with Jesus... you see i was going through one door they were going hte other way and i had just had this moment a really special one... there was me not being in church watching folks hurrying cos they were late and not wanting to miss.... and it was like i could remember me being that like it was really important to be there on tiume to poise and pose to go literally through the motions cos it was important ... man was i hungry and out of sorts? and clutching ... clinging to my ... hey you know we don't have to prove to anyone anything .... and here was i now watching stuff and actually picking stuff from folks walking past so i was praying about that... and there not being in church and pretty much avoiding christians and christianity... 'come with me'... i looked up and smiled the sun was making a rare appearance... i smiled refreshed  because you know what i felt that i knew what that meant... from when i first saw that in a charismatic setting years ago... i felt glad at ease relieved there was i alone without the trappings of this and that person... this and that setting and it was like i was preparing for that moment... and along with doing ythis or that or not doing this... i just understood that something had shifted and i was .... everyone has a journey and the day previous had been an odd one... i said that someone had been God bothering... i kept bumping into folks and having these precious conversations... being invited by someone to come to my own church... GOD has been busy though making sure i am reminded of the imagery and significances.... i have sat doing stuff... and listened to thye drone of voices... two vips having a prayer meeting...and just not wanting to join them.... but paying attention to the moments of the fall of the Holy Spirit... i mention that to one of them... they are kindof nonplussed well it is me that's saying that they say they noticed too... what i wanted to say thoubgh was yeah but what about the places the Holy Spirit was well.... we all have this and it is thoroughly annoying you know you can shout as loud as you like and hey the Holy Spirit falls but why? cos of what we say... ie our what theology our humanness? but if you are listening wh8ich bit of all that is the Holy man... in truth Holy is Holy and man is man and where Holy comes into man Praise the Lord! ... i had an odd experience though one of theose non churchijg sundays... i checked out tjhe video collection.. and there was this one ... 1955 danish about a family struggling under a religious fanatic something like that i mean just up your street.. i was in 2 minds but hey let's give it a go... oh it has a title 'Ordet' black and white with subtitles and a very odd film indeed... my sermon perhaps.. and man oh man was it! fantastic ! for a kaleidoscope of theologies all under one canister clashing away provoking thought it seems a shame to give it away .... by saying too much .... but you know what it had me shaking away and smack in my eyes ... after what felt like a slow and rather tedious start... i watched it all cos well i had nothing to better to do with a sunday?.... it's like GOD has been looking out for me and ... i have been looking out for GOD!... it;s been a week where this man and GOD thing are so boringly seperate.. and i have been challenged... the thing is... hey me is going to go now  see yah later still catching up..

[ecuworrier]

[Boudi]

I love the image of the eggbox....and I agree...we have a quick scan at the top of the box...yes, they look fine, look usual, look fine....but underneath they are bleeding into the box, open to decay, and in some cases, beyond hope.....but at first glance look fine.
Glad you could nurse yours back to health though!!!!!


Happy Easter!

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

so an insubstantial lent this year .... on then to the real thing...

ok so i am studiously avoiding convention to add some of my own?

well hopefully: there have been one or two odd things and moments that have captivated me.... so i seriously brave the grunge alley of multiple internet cafes for this... well.. something has to be said...

i have had an eventful year since last year with unexpected levels of difficulty both in church and out... and  so am scraped fingernail distance from church with as i have been observing rather a lot of irritation.... and i appear to be getting used to this!

so what am i getting from the non appearance of me in church well i am pretty relaxed i feel Jesus Love and escape the rhetorical statements and spiritualities of those who don't see the point of consulting GOD other than to deliver their own at times really unhealthy gospels... the things they believe in and amply put theri faith and trust in.... having contact at a bare minimal with vips that greet you warmly (... with a kiss as it were) and then settle back into their darkness of judgements.. you see i am not telling them a great deal and some of them are pretty miffed .. it's all my fault you see ... i am the one being secretive... they don't tell me too much either but of course that is another matter all together... well of course it is!... well if you put church or other gods ... before GOD that could be a good point... the who's who of trustworthiness....    and it is the way of heirarchies that patriarchal papa and his various wives don't consult the minion but if the minion speaks not who is to trust the minion.... especially the minion that doesn't trust the patriarchy and respective wives and adherents.... this minion laughs helpless despair and rage privately at what this minion sees and baulks too cos this is not exactly the Gospel of Christ surely that the minion experiences? ... and as minion i am not exactly taken seriously whatever i say!? does it have to be so... does it matter
?  ?  a lot of this stuff is based on the graze of reputation sooo.... one or two folks get elevated that would otherwise be of troo minion status otherwise.... time and again i hear stuff that doesn't sound very GOD to me taking effect as important and being acted on.....  the minion can never be taken that seriously!..... but the not Gospel ....  and basically because it is not the Gospel what is a poor minion to do to trust to do?... this minion was quite touched with a recent conversation with someone ... i asked them how they were ... their response showed they were ok but not wonderful ....  somehow i kindov felt at least in that moment rather better than they were but they asked me how i was and actually sounded concerned.... now if i was going to church am thinking that i might not be of such concern.... well this is what i see time and again... the folks who actually are not ok .... but the fact they turned up means that is good enough .... and actually if tjhey do not turn up then they will either be cause for concern or not depending on ... the closeness to the various inner circles of patriarchy and his various wives and adherents.... so i get an honest question by my absence!? or the person not one hundred percent has ears to listen from a more human place......

it is when we no longer have the opportunity to make good that we are forced to make good.... i am mindful of someone well actuyally as i ponder mindful of several folks ..... at the time they did not answer the question : how are you to satisfactory candour or information... one might reflect that if you do not have the information you can't pray.... wrong! if it has come to your notice that something is not quite 100% regardless of whether you have info or opportunity to pray this is what you can do.... instead of getting the sulks ... you can take the story to GOD and in that secret place you can press in to GOD .. you know you might get a later opportunity for handsonprayer or if you don't just folllow on with what GOD Gives you.....

 a while back i was at a conference and felt to go forward to ask for prayer you know that impartation sort of thing... the person i asked (cos well that's what was kindof panning out) looked at me and said to me that GOD
Gives the portion measure for the circumstance... you know the way they looked at me i felt patronised but you know what it's GOD i have to deal with ... why so grumpy? me that is?..... is this truely a reason to curtail my activities deflated cos i don't have the hype up encouragement of some of the words i have heard others... is the problem wioth the words.... no whatever the person felt or thought as theylooked at me and  sp-oke GOD's pallet is huge and it is awesome... why on earth would i be even thinking about what others think of me it's wholey irrelevant! what matters is what i am pressing in on GOD for!... well that particular timeframe the same theme kept coming up and that was i me personally has to get it on with GOD there are no short cuts to this... and it has been a consistent theme.... so when a vip now months ago said words of encouragement for me to be like Jesus... and me well i was all for dismissing this they stopped me in my tracks and declared they were prophetic i was still kindof sulking but hey here i am telling of this journey ..... you see that verse i quoted earlier means something... John 12 v49 the listening and responding to GOD... that is Jesus... Jesus is the Lord that Saves fearlessly and completely without conditions (though sometimes a bit of good advice won't go amiss!)... but that listening to GOD is the meat of it... not our invention blueprint someone else's failsafe blueprint or interpretation or anything else it is what GOD Does In the Moment!  the same vip more recently enquired what i was up to... you see if i am not under vip roofs ie church then i must be up to no good! well it felt a bit like that... vip would dispute this but actually vip would then get back to ground zero and i would see this you see we don't need to have these conversations the fact i am the only one understanding or  recognise what is going on or at least that sometghing is going on under the surface means that vip can give the continued impression that i am the bad lad not to be trusted whereas me i is not trusting in what i see nor am i prepared to play those games... but vip asked me a question.... as i went on about solocafe church they asked me a question that's been bugging me it was this ... do i pray for people at solo cafe church?.... hmmm the answer is not no in that yup i pray for those
GOD draws to my attention... but i have not even considered going up to someone... let me spell out some precedent.... somebody went through a phase of getting words for people... which thrilled them i asked if they gave those words... they said no... i suggested that they gave those words.... so they did! me meanwhile gets stuff to pray about soooo.... you see where i am./... mindful of this earlier i sat in a cafe and just prayed ... it was the sort of solocafechurch without bibles or input... just mindful.... ok so did GOD present an opportunity... well a poor person approached me asking for 4p....   i looked at them and said no .. GOD BLESS! and that was pretty much it... did i feel accomplished ?  no .. me i was having a private momen t of irritation about the asking for 4p... they looked cold and poor and they sounded like thye were rather far from home.... so what has changed.... have i got more comfortable at playing the pharisee.. what would the vip do... not be so silly as to sit outside having a fag so oopsy to me

quote of the day: a socialist said the nearest they came to the GOD interest thing was listening to the vaious justifications of inclusive human rights... someone said that it was to do with Jesus' outrageous generosity..... and i likle that too!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

... i know several ... let me illustrate .... oh eventually!

such is the way though of those is it feudalist systems that the self sufficiency of the minion would really be... the minion is terribly useful within the scope of the minion's activities