2012 lent blog

[ecuworrier]

hi

me aggen

a whole year is swept by... and oh yes well i think i was ready for lent about a month ago at least in so far as i was ready to go wanting it to be now listlessly .... what with all the waiting here i am in the now bemused... and not entirely sure.. wjhat.... again .... somewhat befuddled about what it is i am intending to.... and so on... so you see it must be lent!

it's in the air that lent thing everyone eagerly giving up and taking up stuff but someything of GOD is in the air... aggen i find it completely thrilling!

earlier was chatting with a christian they said something like.. who wants to go up the Holy Mountain? something in my spirit surged 'i do' i was aware of that and shared..... they thought they did too....

but let's get this right a mo.... something in my spirit did surge and i was aware of it... but! words did not flow out of me....  i am pondering this... you see this is completely or so it feels symptomatic of where i am at..... a bubble... this last year has been full of surprises and pretty amazing at times .... BUT! ... i am left feeling i want to let go... i feel like i cant do this.. why church of course... i have asked questions to death and the net result.....:  church is the number 1 'yer what?'- distraction of the Jesus project... and if you don't do church then what is it that you do? that is my big dilemma only it wouldn'y be a dilemma if i was doing what i was supposed to do actually practising what i preach!  so there i am talking to a church bound Spiritual christian about the Holy Mountain ironic huh? i mean it would make sense if i was having that conversation as i was descending ....  or even passing someone coming down?

i like the Holy Mountain it's the place that... well there is a thick presence of GOD

go up the mountain with clean hands and a clean heart

was there ever a certain place a place of rarified air that everyone was drawn to but chose to admire from a 'safe' distance? or the place where Jesus was or the place that GOD beckons you to and you respond....

i had some such experience recently i had a bus ticket an all day thing and i felt GOD wanted me to get a bus to a particular place.... well at the point i was certain .... i delayed faffed around then thought oh it's just me and then thought ok GOD wants me to go to this place ok GOD, went to look for a bus found one off we went pottered in my head about the delay ....        arrived and.... oh man!!! LORD!  perfect completelyamazingand perfectly relevant once conscious... i stood there completely transfixed mouth open  ..in the right place in the right time? it felt so.....GOD is Amazing this was GOD's moment i had thought i was on my way to a christian meeting but then GOD i was really late!!! but while waiting for a bus i saw someone i knew....  a non christian seems i meet a lot of those and this one ice was broken only recently when i say ice glacier is probs more approprizsate had thus far kept a very far distance so that was another surprise... when the bus came GOD wanted me to go home so i did...

it's been a bit like that lately... like now got some time cos ... christian meeting seems well not quite to have happened and yet GOD got me to come!?  ok well there is a process to that.. you see i didn'y want to come then i had an excuse cos it;s lent and.... and er well what? er well... so looked at why i didn'y ewant to come then was late and ... but came in bounding in! cos it was GOD's call,,,,

last week someone challenged me.... they said why if you are doing what GOD wants are you grumpy?,,,,  what a good question! somehow i felt i wasn't given much time for an answer and pointed that out... that i had not finished///  but it was a good question and let's face it  sometimes folks is gonna be smug about that... so the next time i was clearly dragging my heels and GOD got me to go anyway.... and i was thoroughly grumpy .... i actually asked for prayer for that all i seemed to be was angry AND more importantly i asked GOD what i was supposed to learn.....  from what seemed a whole pile of pooh that did nothing except  make me angry!!!! and grumpy ...GOD wanted??

previously... i had oops missed cjhurch cos well i thinks i did wake up but i also must have gone back to sleep then suddenly oops too late....  what now? i did worship..  and something shocking and unexpected and amazing happened i had this vision thing ? image thing it was about the garden of eden you know that thing that people keep referring to as if they owned the place and new exactlay what it is like whereas the point about the story is that we don't we can't remember cos we is human and we can't oewn the place no matter how hard we try i mean half the time one is forced to presume one is listening to the chief gardner there when it's no-one of the sort .... gardner ? did i mention gardner didn'y <Mary M think she saw the gardner at the tombs maybe she did!  but that's the whole point! we is descended from adam! says the christian proudly...  er  i believe that is rather true! the fallen world / or the apparent aspirations of chiurch people as in what they actually act out sure runs pretty carefully along those lines ....   while actually we are direct lineage from GOD GOD's Creation so we should know ... or if we don't know we can ask for help from Jesus... you see that image of Jesus being there at the begining and not actually being the same stuff spiritally as the two who tramp away with hardly a wimper ... like... seen GOD and that sight of the spiritual complex map that's people and their culture like two distinctively different species .....  i prefer Jesus i keep saying that... whenever anyone is trying to tell me something about well wasn't soandso amazing or didn't he do well like it's the generation game or something....  that day i felt well kindov glad that i hadn'y gone to church/// i prefered GOD's lessons... and i've been saying that a lot recently.....   and the hope in the cjhurch has become a more distant reality somehow ///identity crisis time? people keep praying for me on that theme about that seems and yet .. it means something oh yes it does and it is all about identity in Jesus.... oh yes it is but i see it about necessarily being about being further and further apart from the church ... is that a conundrum? to me it's perfectly logical

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,



ok i think i have my lent practice sorted ... i

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

relax GOD is in Control this last year this has been sorely tested and today too.....  i get some news ..... that fills me with fear and apprehension for the future... a time to examine what is going on.... with me like how i react... me i am having a bit of a barney with GOD like how was that supposed to....  i examine my thoughts my view.. collect the facts loosely and sulk well actually i am filled with fear it does feel a bit of deja vue i look at the could haves as if i could pray like that but!!! no now i look at my reactions lets get real here.. the facts are the facts ... and as they stand GOD is in control... so ok.... i look to GOD and find GOD telling me not to worry... ok so natural response... i don't worry...????!!!!! like you can turn off worry like that??? no actually what stops me worrying is the presence of GOD just sensing GOD and the GOD is in Control and full of Blessing i am working on... as i am pojndering this again now GOD reiterates not to worry...


i find it is a time to test the promises of GOD well GOD did surprise me with some stuff recently and suddenly something is kind of fitting in... you see GOD has a whole pallett of Grace and we get preoccupied with the conventions of only seeing the bits we recognise.....  i have been having many conversations on this topic as so many people are affected by changes and christians too .. is it harder for christians with their sense of entitlement to.... well actually they have the same entitlement to Blessing that everyone does... completely unearned though sometimes GOD does give Blessing as if by reward... but the form of Blessing sometimes is well ... and that is the miracle! that GOD fathoms together a whole scope of Blessing that sometimes we just don't ..notice search for as our sense of entitlement hijacks our sense of what Blessing would be or should be... Eternal Blessing Eternal Life full of Blessing! so with this pep talk i know i can face ... well.... GOD's Blessing as yet to be revealed!

i was really challenged a while back .... i could not believe that i was hearing what i was hearing even more so cos it seems that something was being dumped on me that had been dumped on the person dumping... even though that person was sure that them being dumped on in the first instance was a bad and inappropriate way of dealing with stuff so read my similar response to the detail....where i am on the receiving end.... and it is hilarious now looking at it right this moment... everything falling into place.....   i was told that i was banned from worshipping at church it was putting people off their own worship.. in other words some folks had said to someone who added this to that people had complained about me praying for people who were new to the church....  i was flabberghasted .... ok so what were the complaints... no answer..... on pursuit i was getting a 1 in 2 really good feedback and apparently from persons unnamed and reasons unsaid some form of criticism!.......an acrimonious discussion followed where i pointed out that there were only two people who had prayed for me that did not attract criticism of some sort including the person talking to me... a whole lot of stuff was coming up here a whole lot of stuff was said... and me well if there was a problem then surely at every level a Spiritual solution should be sought ???? well the person had prayed before they launched into their polite tirade... er Spiritual solution?  so i was expected to go to church not to worship to to talk to GOD and.... apparently i was supposed to sit down shut up and listen to ... i was supposed to conform to the culture of the church a culture i pointed out that i had no desire to become like one of them! ouch!.... well GOD seems had quite a response.... to my apparent complete frustration.... one Sunday down the line and i woke up late had a real panic about whether to go to church when i really felt tested on this or go to a church locally or go to a church further afield and..... or.... GOD has a rich pallett of options or do something else or ... stay here? woosh i was filled with Holy Spirit stayed home and worshipped then was drawn to go out and found myself going into a local church .. as soon as i entered the insence hit me and GOD said I want to talk to you... i was a little taken aback and walked in looking at an art piece of Jesus with open arms smiling for some reason i found the need to move so i did and sat down still looking at Jesus with open arms when i suddenly noticed that in the new point of view i saw.... an art peice of Jesus on the cross... arms wide open pinned back helpless unable to do what he was built to do!... oh i felt just like that someone started to sing a loud voice Spiritual music but somehow not quite Holy Spirit singing it completely distracted me irritated me and made me think!!!!!... i like GOD's lessons.... the following week late didn't go ended up fasting and praying for some hours at home during which GOD led me to Isaiah 29 the verses where GOD instructs us not to be taught how to worship by man!  the next few weeks well ... to be brief here ... i moaned the folllowing week and GOD to my Amazement said : I don't want you to go to church for 6 weeks.....  what!!???  i went to a conference in London... the following weekend and on the way back GOD said to my Amazement: I want you to go to XXXXX for 6 weeks.... wow! i had an amazing time over the next few weeks with loads of Encouragement.... in what i had been doing...... even the person's well a VERY SPIRITUAL FRIEND in that person's presence started prophesying over me regarding worship!!! (though person did suddenly walk out) AND was given opportunities to pray in other circumstances..  ok so here is the nub......   the person had been dumped on in a different setting.... the problem is about Spirituality.... the problem is about Spiritual ... the problem is about the need to seek search follow Spiritual solutions... the setting that person had been dumped on and reprimanded has recently received a Spiritual make-over.... i think i did too  and was forced to... reach out for GOD search the Heart of the Father!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

church is the place to learn about GOD surely? v church is the place to learn about church with a bit of Spirituality thrown in if you are lucky...

ok GOD has done it again! back to what i was wittering on about then pressed delete...  welcome to the irritation zone!....  someone has sat next to me and it raises my hackles... they do not need to sit there! me i am here doing my blog and listening to music so a solitudinouos space task... surely? and there comes someone who just does not appreciate somebody else's requirements!.....   like they done it deliberately? one hopes not!.... but they did the did...  this happened earlier and i thought it extremely weird!.... i got on a bus and tried to select a space equidistantly distant from other folks taking the next best option sitting behind somebody ... bizarrely the person getting on behind me decides the best place to sit is next to me! i turn to look at a woman in 20/30s looking quite normal but with this weird action.. i mean why would anyone not want a bit of space and why me?  a movement from me attracts the attention of the person in front and there we are in the zone of anxiety and calling out to GOD and seeing stuff and calling out to GOD.... i am saying to GOD i hope they're  getting off soon ... i just do not feel at ease...  so i've asked GOD and there follows an immediate ... person infront turns to person next to me and asks if the bus stops at my stop!  i am feeling hemmed in and thinking ok thus far i've been praying but....  behind us is an empty seat i ask the person next to me if they wouldn't mind letting me out they cordially get up .. and sit in the seat i was about to... leaving me searching out a completely different seat .... i stare out disgruntled but at least i am not hemmed in with a spiritual view that i would have to attend to in more depth i can see....  this year has indeed been about the development of Discernment not just actually Hearing GOD but also seeing stuff that has been very startling and very instructive and very depressing!  hands up anyone who thinks we are talking about non christians...  well sometimes yes but  we are talking about christians too!  should i be surprised perhaps not.... it just feels like one is on a hiding to nothing .... there is me wanting a bit of peace and quiet and stuff to make at least some sense and finding 'the bad guys' are lurking out of every corner....    here is me in that rather desperate time of realisation....  this **** is nuts (that that is! that that is not is not!) at my church while other churches are well they're all of the same cloth-the ones round here anyhows.... it was during my excursions away that i found someone who i know a little but had not seen for a while in the same space. during an interval time i hung out and caught up with them ... well we were sitting at a table where there were one or two others too... one of them was eulogising about a church close by ... (by reputation)and i was less than enthusiastic... mmm yeah well mmm like the worship ...am completely nonplussed by the speaking... person i know for different reasons is not overly enthusiastic either... i am curious where they go and am surprised by their answer but hear a sense of priorities they are meeting ... there we are two very different people far from the madding crowd of our own environments listening to folks distant perceptions of our madding crowd environmnets.... now i have already said round here they go by the same cloth.... my fellow traveller comes out with this: the pastor's wives all look so depressed....  my eyebrows shoot .. i say nothing i am looking for what the others are going to say.... the looks say it all at first recoil then it's almost like we can't say it ... well we shouldn't not if we read the daily mail version of the bible  order order order silence!   we end up on the tag   of well.... the place almost of agreement-but like i say order order! me i am going on about imperfect churches in a dreary well what do you expect voice  i am weary! and the point has to be well where is your focus young person!??? hmmmm?  it's obvious innit?   needless to say the company is all women.....  there is something in the reaction of one of the others though that pains me to remember... it's like something of not the most obvious part of their response a woman in many years of churchlife we have been let down by... well expectations of church stoopid ... women especially and this is where well we shouldn't really be there! not if we seriously believe in Jesus surely... or should we?  is this heresy?

i was recently listening to a sermon (you see i really do only have myself to blame!) where a church that espoused a liberal feel was giving the what's for.. well the expert witness for the prosecution was.... he started quite gay!:  in a household where there are single parents the single parent is the head of the household....  but where there is an adult man he's the one who has the spiritual authority it's biblical if you have a problem with what i say you'll have to talk to .... he was the guest hilariously the boss of the church was not there and so....  well ....  i watch a chosen single woman in midage standing next to another turn to the other and make a face.... is this a farce or what?  are we women seriously by the logic of that treasured view therefore second class citizens well actually sounds like biblically we are   or if we don't think so we are in error like  we should.... pondering some vague notions of tangent earlier on this... methinks...  hmmm now if the ultimate spiritual authority is male then... doesn't that make women unnecessary like the world would be a better place if women just left their babies in the hands of all those self adhering gods and got out of the way altogether....   i mean if women are spiritually inferior cause they's been made so doesn't that mean we are naturally sinful ... and how on earth can we be better mothers than men ? and why would men want to hang out with us ....   ? to er have something to do? to keep us in order? there are lots of themes all entwining here ......     and time space is short right now.... but it touches on some stuff  and it sure extrapolates on some recent gunky stuff .....
and of course sounds like we get the blame for misperforming males..... i suspect more on this anon!


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

lent is not going very well disciplines keep slipping...  i can no longer use the excuse that well i could get in line be up to speed for the eastern easter makes more sense somehow.... still GOD has been busy one way or another! but i am bemused... have now spoken my anxieties to someone and well.. someone else and someone else too.... all christian now how was thaat for you...? in many ways a good thing! one of those sure has their own sense of anxiety and concern... and withdraws in a wrap....  meanwhile.. someone else(nc) who i have met and is all publicity ablaze is chirpy away with their stuff all looking up aparently... it's one thing seeing someone's publicity it's another having met them it's a weird experience feels there is quite a lot of descrepancy... am a little surprised to have seems must have added email to list someplace? do i want to play ball on the publicity drive no! do i want to be invited to some sort of who's who event... i completely cringe at the idea... it's weird how one's tastes can be changed quite suddenly! when one is exposed from a safe distance to rather more than one wanted or suddenly sees the unexpected....
in stark contrast spent the day in deja vue ... i sat and waited and waited it was one of those times would it be where GOD got what GOD wanted and you did not apparently accomplish anything or were you all that GOD hjad and actuallly well GOD was there so it seems.... so i sat and waited staring at the views puzzling over how i seemed to notice things that were somehow different....   and somehow familiar.... like seeing folks well some older some ageless....  i like the way some folks just hit a piste and seem to go on for ever ... i didn't expect to get quite so emotional.... it was friday and there was something about friday that bouys some folks and others well its a fact of life... i hated the end of the week somehow i loved the feel of the bussle of folks doing... what maybe doing stuff they did not really wnat to do... did i like that ? folks looking good in their afterschool uniforms..... looking purposeful just getting by did i prefer that to folks tangibly loosening?   i was treated to the intimacy of places i had never been before even from my past and in this unexpected like walking a pace further inside well there i stood and watched as someone gave someone else a loaf of bread ... was there a second loaf ? someone else was offered the same loaf.. the initial recipient seatrched for a second one in vain ...but i watched as that person did not consider sharing that loaf... it seemed ridiculous the loaf was a big one and it was sealed and sliced all was required a second packaging..  no not part of the story!.... corinthian... there was something of the plenty here plenty not in the physical sense at all... something of freely giving of something... it felt good it felt empowering to those who might be at a vunnerable time... i was also aware there was a kind of protective zone around this .. it was fiercely protective of an ethos of safety....  i felt quite the need to be unnecessarily protective... one of those moments when you forget you've been praying and suddenly somehting happens that alerts your attention...  when i say praying well the best prayeris for the presence of Jesus.. and that;s all i could think of - the lesson of non presumption is one that is taking place in a big way at the minute!- suddenly a woman arrives in the place and a man who is there talks for the first time -up till then he has been making himself known by some noisy repetitive motions- he talks not to the woman but to a female child talking about the dress she is wearing i look up the woman walks confidently through and engages with light touches the child following uncomfortably long hair dressed up like a princess.... my hackles are raised where no body else is bothered... part feminist part protector part/// i remember that i have just prayed....   and it's the first time he has spoken....  by the time i leave the room i have learned a whole lot of stuff... tjhat guy has made himself extremely useful he is treated with respect..... everyone is treated there as equal and it;s amazing it;s a truely beautiful place to be so long as it remains a safe place.... i do wonder what about the unsafe people?....  and ..... it did make me think of christians... this was far more relaxed/////  more open more dignified more respectful.... folks who make it their life;s work to live their values....  i guess tjhat seperates them from us as christians we live by appearances and disguises we try to make out our core belief is a value to live by but all we are told is to believe... and as Jesus said to the samaritan woman we are not quite sure what we believe is it a set of values or a set of beliefs?  what does that belief become.... in reality it really seems to be lots of things!....

  is not a value as such are that challenged that we feel obliged to make up a sort of values though it is the treasure beyond treasures are we scared of it being stolen lost? what? and here amongst people who don't fear tjhat somehow.... the proof is in the pudding...  what is our idea of pudding? lots of things what is our reality?

what shocked me was one or two things.....    i watched as someone retired.... the last time i saw them i was they were leaving a funeral it's not that long ago... seems somehow they has aged.. and i didn't expect that...  the way someone from one day to the next! and then steps away from something they have been structural in... 

oh and the final part on that guy i watched him walk out the door with the loaf under his arm the broken loaf broken for him... i confess when the bread first came to consciousness ... i wanted some too quite suddenly!

yesterday was great GOD made sure i was up for some street stuff actually well... but GOD fixed it .. even went out with a couple of guys was actually ... well GOD fixed it!... GOD was fixing everything.... including ... a couple of women approached one of those guys who was sat alone and me was not gonna leave them to him my alarm bells starts to ring ... i tell you it would be so cool to feel confident to leave them in His Hands could i have well... in that moment i did not! i mean when in real life in real time you hear what comes out of folks hearts... well it has been a bit like that of late me and this guy... you see mog has not got a mention so far... and then when all was done GOD decided it would be a good idea if the guuy asked me for prayer... how could i refuse not only did i not refuse i instantly got over whatever was bugging me and gladly prayed and it was an amazing moment or two something had been accomplished GOD had! in the evening i had a GOD appointment it's something that had been bugging me  and GOD had some more stuff! this time i was humbled for real and left with the not knowing still my GOD appointment had stopped crying .... they'd  stormed off dramatically...  apprentice button...  and then more bones elsewhere to pick... skirmishes skirmishes and somehow a whole destressing... it's like GOD does these things unexpectedly and people open their mouths and speaking honest is well wow like GOD just came in with a tsunami wave and washed the silence out of our eyes....   how does one forgive ? with Love... how does one Trust with Love...   with GOD's Love which is more Powerful than anything!..... if in doubt ask GOD!  how does one receive? ask yourself

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

arrive later than intended...  was i confess even thinking of not coming -cos well i did email to say i would be and then got no confirmation of that person in question had got my email ... it's been a bit of a pattern with them which is disappointing- it occurs on the way that maybe they aren't getting my emails but it turns out they did but have cancelled proceedings sadly! only i answered and i am late but we have a rare time of fellowship together... person has been reading the bible while waiting and then become absorbed in stuff... the verse they want to share is:

John 12 v47:  47If anyone hears My teachings and fails to observe them [does not keep them, but disregards them], it is not I who judges him. For I have not come to judge and to condemn and to pass sentence and to inflict penalty on the world, but to save the world.

i am moved by their justification that Jesus just wants to save the world regardless of what folks is up to in their minds hearts bodies and activities... it is particularly relevant for the street stuff we would have been doing.. to me it underpins what for me it's all about! but how often have i stood with folks who stand and have a half love... i am pleased this person has taken this on... actually i read on the next verse is the one that folks pin their judgement on and me am about to argumentatively follow suit but there is a cloud of darkness hanging over
48Anyone who rejects Me and persistently sets Me at naught, refusing to accept My teachings, has his judge [however]; for the [very] message that I have spoken will itself judge and convict him at the last day.

or to put it more relevantly i can see the illumination of verse 47 but not verse 48 but on verse 49... we talk about how we carry judgement and also how we don't forgive ourselves and all that religious stuff we are about GOD and that is tough in cultural environments that are about a sub-plot ie the church ... it's actually lovely to talk! it is a learning lesson for me... how irritated i feel with being told what i already believe as if i am being told for the very first time when it's the others... it's always the others!...  i feel very aware that if i were to be argumentative then somehow it would be as i see it now me going out on a limb representing what i hear all too often that pisses me off... like that we can own what GOD's judgement is goijng to be in the confidence of what the Bible says? like we have pulled out the Bible and draw ourselves to a verse to tell folks exactly what their problem is and where on the Day of Judgement so often it sounds like man judging man .. and i have every expectation that GOD can indeed use stuff in context productively while everyone else just puts objects in the way.. and am happy to leave whatever happens in the whenever to GOD as a preoccupation and concentrate what i confess to person is a tough call in modern church which is to follow Jesus in the real in real life in living not according to a set of rules which is what the pharisees did and opened themselves to endless criticism like is there a point to the role of teacher of the law? ok then why does Jesus say Matthew 23 they will not be called teachers but they will teach.... they will be under me? isn't it so much easier to send folks on a course to learn the rules thoroughly and share their learning... if that was the beall and endall then surely everyone should go on that course of dos and don'ts and that suffice .... so why does Jesus want to be our teacher if the dos and don't suffice? what is it that GOD can teach that human culture doesn't accomplish? is there something more than this?

well verse 48 got me all knickers in a twist verse 49 flooded out in truth and sanity

49This is because I have never spoken on My own authority or of My own accord or as self-appointed, but the Father Who sent Me has Himself given Me orders [concerning] what to say and what to tell.

we examine this together and its nice to agree on something that we have presumptiousness opinionations and that it is no substitute for the real thing and GOD is real and the whole thing that has got itself mysteriously relegated to option x of the fruit of the spirit game in Paul's writings and been taken to heart....  THE GIFT... the Gift of Discernment.... the hearing of GOD and seeing other stuff..... surely if you are going to play the numbers game then there is only one option to play for the Gift of Hearing from GOD establishing developping prizing your personal one to one with GOD and all that flows from it surely that has to be better than listening to the guy or gal who graduated the rules book course for advice? i mean is it not a precondition for verifying what you is listening to? i mean if you seriously cannot Discern GOD you surely can hardly be able to ascertain what is what from the charismatic person in front of everyone who graduated? is there anything wrong with that? i mean if folks wants to sit on sundays and listen to a powerful speaker then that's got to be like let them get on with it? we too me and person touch on these sorts of themes....  ABOUT NOT JUDGING! the strangle entanglement of church.. my companion by the way is a church person of respect and office...  it's the first time for a long time that we have sat down in a relaxed fashion together i sure has lots to learn!.. and actually feel humbled and amazed..we more recently have not been getting on.

Discernment is the crux! in a church built on traditions and argumentative breakups.. how can we claim to follow jesus and not follow v49 to it's fullest....  person and me discuss our roles who gets the credit? person is surprisingly (well i was surprised!) encouraging of that people should feel drawn to me by the light of the Holy Spirit  for  - it does sound like people coming to me for my expertise- so i confess my dislike of the culture of celebrity ... but now why did i forget to say all i can do is point to GOD the Father? hmmm i do feel uncomfortable with being placed on a pedestal the truth is we should all be living lives ... we could all be living lives of unlimited potential... the truth is GOD draws people to me it happens when we are doing street stuff people who i have known for years have been struck by the peace i have that GOD has done something significant and special in my life  ...see me on a bad day?  i want them to have that ... am i really so scared of losing that? i don't know what to do ... and in truth it's not about me but all it's ALL ABOUT GOD!

i share with person about the line in the song .... the Bible words of knowledge checking in the bible i ask if person has ever had verse that goes against the grain of perceived teaching... person is not sure about that ...  whereas i have and find GOD can use every which way to get message across and does!   cos it's about what does GOD want to get out of stuff ....

i had an interesting happening yesterday... as i wandered on the streets in the evening i was very aware of a chaotic drunken out of control kind of atmosphere which was uncomfortable to walk in.. later i went to catch some live music ... the atmosphere was sure a bit weird so i kindov prayed a bit... listened to music and went outside for a fag there was a nearby venue also doing music and i wandered out there they appeared to have an outside area for smoking which is where i wanted to sit but found my way barred by a bunch of apparently young folk who said the area was closed i went back onto the street and stood trying to listen .. when i noticed a small coin on the  ground .. i went over to pick it up no sooner was i bent over when i find myself kicked up the backside i stand up turn around and find myself looking at a young dykey looking woman who was laughing i looked at her really with a questioning look like why!? and she suddenly turned and ran back past her friends inside...   i had a chat with GOD about her her friends who really melted into the background during the incident.... one wonders why? ... i certainly wasn't hurt though i guess my dignity was assaulted..... i had been polite to them... i felt injured inside on the one hand ... but like well GOD is in control... so what was all that about... like i needed a kick up the backside? but how when where? now what would Jesus have done... me i calmly finished my fag and returned to the venue i'd come from ... i was preoccupied with what was all that about... suddenly i needed to go home oh no where was ... i was searching my pockets and not finding.... a lull in the interest of the music... you know i return home find the missing object  and am bemused....  was i on the right track wrong preoccupation? that well what i could have told her what Jesus would have done... i was so concerned with the why i forgot to include GOD like ok GOD what now?
she was very young looked about 14 early 20s ? there was something of despair there such outrageous though apparently playfully mischievous behaviour.. like x marks the spot.. attention seeking ... it's true i had not actually spoken to her not before not after... attention from GOD? well you got it sunshine! 

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

have been having very lovely fellowship with my church ....  i saw a grown man cry having coffee with me... someone told me not just me but those present but had told somebody else that i was the person that made going to church real... i felt really surprised shocked cos it seemed ridiculous that who me in many ways the exact opposite of the person who has been a Spiritual rock a very real christian...  and slightly embarrassed who me?  and there were tears in theri eyes and me i was well .. i am humbled! ... i was telling someone at the time that it was absolutely fine to be a 'bad' christian....ie bad as in the eyes of the surfing self elect and all their acolites i was trying to explain it was actually a Blessing cos it was about being real.... all those victorian good manners when all you want to do is scream and shout and swear! but hesitate for what it will do for your image... some of the best nervous breakdowns start some place like that.... christians giving themselves a bad name... it's an interesting dilemma.. whose camp are you in? and how tough it can seem when you can't see Jesus for what other christians are getting up to in public ,,,,the non christian is offended you are offended... so in that moment you actually have more in common with them than your own church? and then... suddenly oops there you are critisising your own church ....  and everyone else and so on... happen to me? it was one of those rare days when everyone was crosser than me about the stuff i am trying not to focus on when usually everyone thinks it's me that's got the problem!... in truth it is both all our problems including those who thinks they is in the right or ain't gonna change till someone in a grey suit persuades them...  (fat chance Jesus has then?) as well as none of our business... GOD has got us by the short and curlies One to one and that's all we have to get excited about and tell everyone about... so if that's not working never mind anyone else who is apparently carrying the same claims as you ... if anything just ... well when christians ... even address me and i want to disassociate with them almost spontaneously... no we is not of the same stuff and look at you are you serious you want me to be like you? cos there's surely no way you wants to be like me? i mean look at your investment! so how is it we ends up belonging to eachother more than we belongs to Jesus? i should try saying that perhaps... there's so many control freaks about...  me i don't expect folks to think like me .. all i want is that folks think like Jesus ultimately and that they think for themselves till GOD gets inside their heads and breaks down the gossip and chinese whispers nature of their so called christian headgear... and all the fear factor holding everything in place... what good is that to anyone?... 

this afternoon i found myself challenged and completely vindicated... i know some folks getting married.... and just happen to find an order of service thing .... vows before GOD read Numbers 30 ! nd ask yourself who is your father male or female....   then seems those present at the wedding are supposed to make some vows of their own... to uphold the marriage.... what!!!!????? why would i do that? if my relationship of one to One is with GOD then surely it's a little odd to be making cultural promises like that...!!  what on earth does one let onesself in for... it seems a bit like the confirmation vows one makes to repel all evil or a godparent's thing it's almost like no-one expects you to do any of that just say it so we can get through to the winetasting afterwards... there's no way i can take that with any level of integrity.. all this thick and thin stuff... if one believes the Numbers 30 stuff and by the way who is your Father? then what is the thick and thin of taking on this cultural undertaking?... it's up to them surely and their one to Ones what happens next?but me i like that GOD is in control so i really do not see the point of having to worry about another person beyond how GOD worries about them charitas like.... a certain distance has occured between me and one of the about to me wedlocked person... seems they already got locked up away from the grace and sociality that was once enjoyable broadminded involved with many different people .... where did it all go wrong ? they got swallowed up... i tell a christian who surprises me by agreeing ...

meanwhile back at the ranch during the year have been reacquainted with two of the people who i first met when they were single and now married with two small kids.... one of them wanted to be a preacher i do recall and was gifted in many ways.. now life is all about survival in the world and of course the importance of church in that... would either of them change theri minds if they had the time back? who knows.... but i do recall seeing one of them shortly after their wedding looking in some degree of shock!... GOD does one to ones so why do we have to play those simpering pantos about folks being couples... or listen to folks not do stuff or do stuff cos they is married... someone who is single recently started a longdistance relationship...  and me well want to distance myself from what is not my ambition does not look remotely evidential of the GOSPEL luckily we have now had a frank discourse on the matter... it's not about what's right or wrong with them.... loook i say to them if the best thing you have ever felt is not given to you in that One to one place you ain't met GOD...  and i explain that relationships i seem to remember means that you got someone else in your headspace competing for what or who is you... time energy and everything else... and so i yet again tell the story of JHeidi Baker's marriage and i feel i can't really relate fully to anyone who isn't interested in whether GOD has a better plan that GOD might have a pretty Awesome alternative lined up ...  the worldly stuff just does not make for any remote sense of good anything!...

here's another anomaly... does this happen your way... couple get married invite the whole church to the wedding but not to the reception... make sure enough wine is for the feast of special guests? or is Jesus secretly invited? where Jesus goes i follow...  ever gatecrashed a wedding looking for Jesus?  clearly all that Jesus stuff is well are weddings for Jesus or without? 

i've ended up with the water into wine when it was the Gift of multiplication i had to rescue a conversation on well i well and truely gatecrashed that moment....  'it was symbolic like the feeding of the 5 000.....  nothing like that happens these days...'  whoosh i was there!  ...ok let's ask it this way... have you heard no ... have you experienced yourself the Gift of multiplication? my lovely lovely non christian freinds that was a bit too much to dally for....


GOD is GOOD


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

knackering day... still, got some housework done! the imminent arrival of someone to do something complete with estimated time of arrival needing to have room to do the whatevers me needing to have a relative momentum of evidence of housework under control.... set the alarm actually throw some stuff out! now there's a novelty... see it's been quite an unusual day! so unusual that ... now why does one not do more of it? that housework i mean... gives such asense of accomplishment and all those annoying sights and occasional smells vanish! imminent arrival of someone did not quite happen on time but i somehow felt Blessed as i discovered some grime thje likes of which frankly took me by surprise ... it's been an odd winter this one feels like an assault of grime in its many manifestations and even after the usual occasional onslaught of cleaning like not that long ago! here it is back again! with its uncomfortable truths... i don't have time or inclination to keep up with this... and for every small change in household or habits seems to bring about a multitude of unforeseen consequences... i am struggling for instance.... i now have to use matches or a lighter and recycled matches to light my hob... some enthusiastic cleaning has left me with no electric lighter... you have no idea how irritating this is.. plumes of sulphur everywhere or the smell of burnt wood leaving stuff you can hardly escape breathing in that you wouldn't normally!

 i actually find myself preoccupied...  so preoccupied that:... lent practice is well sidewinding on and off... i have 3 things of the day and manage 1-2 of 3 sometimes not even getting to any of them.. no excuses....  my life feels so stretched out... i can do A but not B at location theta i can do B but not C or A at location ypsillon and so on... the world is so to some extent and i is so to the other half...  acquisition of technology suitable for home application may indeed on the surface put everytjhing on that one surface... but there is something about ... no it's not about the convenience that makes positive sense ... no it's thujat bizarre expectation that i will go along with all this because its there and everyone's antennae are out for  that positive sense and so everyone gets sensible... which makes no sense not to really.....   well yes i is deeply suspicious of the modern era of what is easier.... 

here is the dilemma am just watching something from the pre-techno era ... everything nearly everything i follow comes from an earlier era where folks used eyes and ears and imagination and spirit and truth  and whether they wanted to or not strive but they did something or nothing a free choice... in some ways we now live in an era of well we can hardly say it can't be done  cos there's no-one to show me how.... they them of those time s gone by had gramophones as the limited source of the world at a view ... when i was young i didn't quite appreciate it as i am envious of those old enough to remember.... telling of their adventures to get a grip of what someone was playing to learn at distance.  but it's that thing about dunno the rhyuthm of Creation is it hijacked on all our meddling or are our meddlings part of the plan.....   is one a different species? can't simply identify as different species cos of Jesus...when actually all my lamenting is cos i ain't trusting enough in that resource..

International women's day well rememberd! nearly missedit! i was alerted of it's presence by a male christian/ a comment in passing ... they are i have to say not disrespectful.... and have some good attributes on the matter... but if you were to lay the women's revolution in their lap to lead (well come on guys of your brothers and sisters who do you think is actually gonna be given the credibility to  lead the revolution?) they probs would think it's already happened ... or it can manage completely well without him /////// seems a guy from my church went to the Interantional womens day of prayer ... it was held right where i was just up the road to but managed not to discover til after it was to late!  still GOD is GOD all right man brought back the service sheet!... why do i feel so weary with the Women's international day of prayer?... well 2 reasons really....1 cos it's so painful how poignant all these prayers and words and thoughts from women from some pretty painful countries 2...  where is Jesus?  well if i don't turn up how can i possibley know if Jesus turned up for Martha, Mary Magdalene or any other women..... but anyhow .... this year Habbakuk i get it confused with Haggai

well i feel i have a GOD story today.... 
it concerns an ailment that i have been praying about.... i insist on saying that GOD is my doctor ... and believe this is have been ailing and praying for 3 days and guess what!.... it hgappens after i have done worship ailment has like mostly unafflicted!  i am a little Amazed a little humbled by Grace!

gottagonow

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljU1ACHIV2E&feature=related

[ecuworrier]

... have you come across NAME? i am asked and kind of reminded of that maybe i have stopped for fewer chats of late for street homeless..... NAME is unusual so would presumably have remembered....  i was asked a couple of days ago... and the conversation fittered out right there.....

today rock up suitably late to help out doing street stuff.... have only just arrived when two people are stopped talking to one of the others, interestingly my first impressions of them are not that they are street folk but just a couple of ordinary folks .... but they are stopped and i am drawn to the conversation... one of them wants prayer the other mentions they will pray too.... unusual... now i see the street cred....and then ... one of them is called NAME! wha!? GOD IS IN THE HOUSE...  the other person is attending church it seems and it shows street homeless and church attending believing and it shows!.... wow!

afterwards am wandering along i am meditating on somethying someone said about why GOD allows so much suffering!.... i am praying for world peace... ahead of me is some trinket stall and a bizarre thing happens... you see there i am praying for GOD's peace on the world and as i approach the trinket stall where there are folks animating with the stall holder there is something of a vision of greed just these ordinary folks and somehow that energy and focus of attention is not included! i am shocked!   is it that in GOD's notion of peace i feel GOD's peace for the world includes these matters includes Creation too?


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

today... wobbly wobbly day... adventure of worries continues .. hate feeling this way feeling sick without feeling nauseaous spacey extra attention on the roads required having to walk the walk... i hate this stress that removes concentration i know i should be busy a stake in something productive? instead everything is appearing and disappearing i feel wobbly i hate it... i am not living this life i am not living any life... an apparitiion of function....

in contrast to yesterday... wow! still smarting over indecision and still querying what of GOD? i pick up a thought for today thing randomly and find a slightly odd reference to David ... not odd in the context of writing just odd for me to feel yes! i need this!... David fouled up that Bathsheba thang and GOD willingly drew him back! my head is thinking er yes well umm something and well David had some consequences for his er indiscretions....  not listening to GOD? he just went ahead and oh no one bad call led to another and before you know it dead man dead baby and now well got the baby... in an odd sort of way it reminds me of the tories... and the libdems.. the way they glory hunt for their holy grail ... in that peculiar way of people don't exist unless they are one of us continuing our lifestyles with a few of them being slaves and a half fully expendible as objects salivating at the prospect they can hide behind a few chosen constituent's remarks....it's third world dictatorship at it's most grotesque ... the way democracy has caused wars in many countries in Africa the them and us mentality of tribalism of them and us....  it's not unlike the mentality of the BNP and it's truely grotesque.... however back to me me me me....   i worry about the rmembering that David didn't have it so good in several ways.. like i said the one bad call leads to another been there dunnit and am feeling a bit of memory creeping into everyday..... i forget that GOD had to clean me up like it truely didn't matter... that's Grace for you ... trouble is we do remember and so does everyone else!.. so how Grace is GOD that GOD says not to worry....  and we do...  obey the command!

ah yesterday... i was up really early and obeyed the command i did! i was reluctant to and still i went trying to find the place of ballance of hum ah! and enthusiasm....  and ....  church was completely weird ....  nearly everyone who had been to church was well... hmmm wasted! i amused myself by my suspicion of who had had sex even though i can draw no conclusions other than there were some really peculiar facets on display and did all this look holy? did this look holier than anything? well disappointedly actually no! i say disappointedly because well i had made it to church and unusually i was early reminding myself why it is far more agreeable to be late as one avoids the melee of plastic greetings... something had happened with the set up and there was actually a pod shaped space just for me! so i took to it and ignored most of my inhibitions to sing worship now why was worship so unusually flat? hmmm....   when the sermon came about i went up the road to some outdoor outdoor gathering and had breakfast... there was nowhere to sit so i sat on the floor looking out at moving people and praying loosely... enjoying this view more than the still and organised backs of the heads of my church laughing at all the right places and nodding occasionally i was certainly avoiding the hoarse drone of the speaker....  it was good to be out here... i noted the distant strAINS of kids singing.. (our church perhaps?) ...a person came and vomitted something up just a few feet away.... lovely well they got prayed for and didn't do it again!....  a peculiarly dressed person marched through the people and caught my attention... i finished my breakfast and idled back...  went to the loo sung a bit there and oh no i could tell the Holy Spirit the Ministry part had just begun....  in i crept and stood just in time for a hook line and sinker altar call are you all in? ... there was me saying quietly to GOd i wasn't quite ready... but hey you know what i decided to give GOD the choice and when i did found myself unintentionally marching from back to front... the first to move a small number followed and got prayer.... did some breakthrough Ministry with one or two.... i say breakthrough simply cos... i had never ventured out with them but felt.... ice was broken Hallelujah!!!!!!!!! 
there is one ongoing issue that is not quite getting through i think i mentioned before someone i won't be prayed for by someone well respected by the church....    someone i have learned not to trust.... i have had such bizarre experiences like.. going to church and they kindov take over in a ghastly and peculiar biblical religiosity  (pastor away) and experienced a physical dis-ease as i approach to the extent that i feel under physical threat of my life... extreme huh? this is how it feels and i haven't even got to the church yet....  i have also found peculiar side effects of having previously been prayed for by them.... dunno what it is they is praying cos they don't actually say... but i have given it to GOD and GOD has put it right! you see the Gospel promise is to set free not create new layers of oppression... i mentioned some of this to someone high in the church who said: don't tell anyone! which went down really well with me.... the one thing i was sure of was that they weren't gonna do nuffink cos well ... they is they in the church and i is me...  i have long avoided anything they do teaching on with 'good cause' on my part still they is well revered in the church... oh there is something important to add... they is chronically not well .....    so while i is doing the surviving 'onslaught of the unspoken' with GOD putting stuff right ... well they don't think too highly of me though i am told otherwise... i should by rights be praying for them and hesitate to... so when GOD says 'are you willing?' i am saying yes but procrastinating shuffling about praying at distance as i has been for some time... so am aware of going round in circles... they attracting my attention..

after church mog says coffee? mog is looking radiant and for some reason is one wedding member who is not wasted and is looking radiantly GOD is in the House... GOD made sure mog and me make friends and it is turning out beautiful! mog has to do something first and so do i and this time it is me who is really late but sun is shining and mog is at a table outside... i get an update on mog's efforts to find work in a recession... mog thought he had a job which had been long waits and hoops in coming and hilariously or not folks in the church have been quite grumptious with him when he got a job and then started moaning...  and in fact had done a few days of it hearing every time he shouldn't be attending.... which sounds really weird! so he is in limbo but really cool about it ... GOD has been Faithful helping him to meet bills etc... we share about this theme of full time christian thing... we are both quite excited about the notion ....   GOD is Glorious... mog is full anecdotes about words he's been Given....  to give on... and is quite excited... i feel quite priveleged to be hearing about his efforts and time with GOD...  oh no a woman is sitting on the pavement and not getting up.. i go over to investigate there is no serious concern and i invite them to join us ....  they are waiting and have heavy baggage... turns out person is unchurched christian wanting to be in church but efforts thus far unsuccessful they are warmed by our friendliness and invite to a church of not too many big scandals thjey haven't come across....  a bit later on someone asks me for a light instead of taking my lighter seems they want me to light as well as they go i say something about Jesus wants to light their life... blow us down when a couple of minutes later they return and sit down and declare they are a christian and there follows a long chat with some Ministry and again that dilemma about church... seems they is talking most enamouredly about one church in particular and i point to a guy who has meanwhile come and removed mog for a private chat.... as someone who goes to the church.... 'i know that guy' the person exclaims so they go and talk to them...  inside the cafe i discover someone who previously came to our church and left cos we don't preach the Gospel.... mog and me approach to say hi mog leaves after brief encounter and me i get told about the gospel of don'ts according to Paul... i explain that my prefered reading is the Gospels themselves and the Old Testament...  i am told that the epistles are as something like as much part of the bible the word of GOD as the rest (something like that) and i say i don't really agree... explaining that my journey is somewhat different ... end of conversation.... i return to mog... the other person who i had found engrossed and peaceful in reading (yet another) christian manual according to one of many christian writers on... forgiveness... the word had a peculiar lack of feeling on the cover -my impression) with earplugs that they eventually removed.... seems to have made a hurried exit... oh dear! the thing about the Gospel is this it's all about GOD... GOD can do all the don'ts GOD wants to set us free to do the 'do's'  that's the Gospel GOD sorting out all the don'ts so we can do the do's ...

we have been at the cafe for ages now it is time for ... oh no GOD? ok ... off i set to a prayer meeting i haven't been to for a while ... it's a small one today.. but once we finally get started a GOOD one!... seems the Holy Spirit is busy tripping stuff up and i am amazed and moved and... just love being around GOD's presence...

GOD's lovers and helpers were wonderful yesterday..

today seem to have got through this bit!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,