... the er ... lent blog 2011(cont'd)

[ecuworrier]

i will get there eventually tidying up .....

yesterday groan... another day goes ..... the change in weather? the world at war? the UK stuff?  i am not keen to go to a prayer meeting but do go....   well i did ask GOD and GOD seemed keen.... it was quite eventful i walk into a room where all the folks have been away on this private encounter thing... i can see the Holy Spirit on them ... me i just went to church and felt depressed... i am all in battle armour mode in case some folks is there well it is no show.... i feel pretty alienated and yet it is me who is being treated with kid gloves to be part of the group... a pattern? there is some sense of frustration as well as blame... i haven't sat down it is true 'i'm here aren't i?' it's not as if anything has started yet ... i have good reason not to sit down yet the general chat of this group is usually pretty well not my kind of thing at all!....  i do notice the difference though.... someone asks me how i am ..... how i resent this question in this setting!....   i say: soso.. screwing up my nose... someone says: come and tell us all ..... i answer: you wouldn't want to know.... someone goes into an anecdote about what someone said about AA meetings.... AA meetings is a forrun object to all present....  but somehow that is the whole point really.... at AA meetings there is a parity of helplessness and a honesty group there has to be high levels of integrity and inclusion too though ..... we are not equal  i think it's quite funny really....  i know them quite well and well enough to make comparisons with myself and the way i conduct myself the way i think about strangers and all that... there is little injustice to be spared here....  but i am the outsider i don't share their values the way they focus on Jesus the way they respond to Jesus .......   at the end of the meeting i confess i have been thinking about.... well i have briefly ... where i live there are indeed limited options and we are stuck with eachother... i have been thinking should i leave this place all together and go for a time... to.....  silly me as i suggest 'intern' then retract.... adding that the church organisation in question sees me as 'detestable' but it would be nice to hang out there.....   it is a far away place and news has it that the person i would like to 'hang out with'.... obviously not in a formal role is apparently scheduled to visit a manageably close area at some point .....  the word detestable apparently said the way i did has an effect for someone to say we love you.... but that is the problem.....   the them and us of the nub...the response has me saying...: well there is love and there is love .... angry i am ... and prayer time turns again.... a curious facet of the meeting is mog turns up completely upset.... mog went to a chuirch and was as was his way delivered GOD's parcels of LOVE and Feeding and a church elder came along and forbad him from doing so in his chuirch.... if i was not so fed up i would have well what hey they all... me though nearly end in a scrap about whether church leaders ie Spiritual church leaders should know the difference.. ie what is GOD and what is not!..... are they allowed to make mistakes? .... well i say it is unacceptable to be a church leader and not know the difference...

hey gottago


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

there's me an GOD is all over me yesterday... all day... and all day i is grumpy.... i wanted to do that! can't do someone else is doin.... not only is someone else doin ... but i has to join in ... and do you thinks me is supposed to like that? and just fit in like that ... i do with all emotion suspended i do everything that's asked of me but hey me is moody all right.... but it's not that.... come the end of the day and i is frantically thinkin well everything so far..... and i still gotta do some choosin me i has left stuff in limbo and no arguments me is right out there not thinkin about anythin... but pressured to think of somethin ... to do... 'you've had  blahblah time to come up with somethin...' now i cannot argue with that in fact somehow the fact that i has not for all the effort of research and tryin this and tryin that to get to that place ... and all that... and all dat think and motion and stuff and all that there is to show for it is .... well i haven't really got anything .....  it's hard to remember that GOD is in Control when it is actually you in the frontline of the question and there you stands with nothing to show for all that effort and industry and well tbh the last week has been spent sleeping and me too is given me a hard time.... i am embarrassed with myself!... afterwards this sleepy sister sits on a bench and tries to have this conversation with GOD.... what can one say!? 

well GOD has been busy throughout the day and seriously the flack has to  be that me i has been sleepin where i shouldsa bin graftin.... i wakes up in the mornin and says to myself hey THIS is the reason why you shoulda bin doin what... me i has lost the plot completely and i feel for a moment quite hysterical if it wasn't for that all i wants to do is go back to bed and .... sleep... i mean does it matter....  well like i keeps on sayin GOD had me busy yesterday and showed me up.... let's see now ...

i walk down a road i don't need to and as i do so i has a sneaky suspicion and that is not wrong.... someone is walking a dog that is very unsteady and looks quite poorly ... so prayers for poorly dog ;
unemotional but co-operative and pretty much effective hey that's a miracle.... i had a chat with Jesus well actually it was the person that played Jesus... should have been a woman methinks!... just cos i refer to a person!.... i quite like that thought for easter a bearded woman at the back of the church all beat up on... waiting to take headline stage at the front ....  we are interrupted by an old oppo of mine Hallelujah person who i'm delighted to see still boldly for the Lord... they asks Jesus person if they is a christian hey me i hasn't asked myself in so many ways and actually they gets a response.....  an admission of guilt.... well i had been wondering how one could play Jesus and not be affected... when actually being a christian was all too much! too many questions i found out that seems wasn't the church it was the overcoming of Spirituality... on the great theme of another charismatic bites the dust .....  it really is tough this story reminds me of another story of the being overwhelmed by the organisation the spirit of the organisation and though able to function well in the organisation(church) is unable to function with a familiar degree of adequacy in the outside world... so one has to go and it is the church.... well church sure can have spirit of its own and sometimes this really can be problematic to discern the difference.... ;  then a wad of poorliness i gets to ... i say to one i will pray for you ... i is out with this person and they say yes please pray....  i feel quite overcome!...

ah yes back to that there bench .... you see i am giving up my ideas to GOD thinking of the complexity as well as the complete chaos of determining a course that will on time deliver the product of GOD's WORK that is with me actually paying attention and being a part of that you see GOD's Work is already done in heaven....

well i feel a little overcome when GOD delivers the first bit...  trouble is for all that askin... we better start believin!

[ecuworrier]

this is nice.... everyone's abandoned ship (at least for the moment) and here i am tooot seule with a KISS from GOD..

my pissedoffedness continuing boldly where no man shall go!... i am certainly running through some stuff though....  my sense of alienation continues people being friendly christian and not christian does nothing to shift a sense of isolation in fact folks being friendly where normally i would welcome the chat me i is well just do not want to be bothered....   conversations are short and business like and folks seems surprised... i feel self conscious about this ... but also the pissedoffedness is just one continious sense of anger and irritation.... 

earlier today :  where's soandso ? answer:  the've just popped out to meet someoneelse....  meagen: that's cool
soandso in my eyes is doing something useful...

someoneelse is a charismatic of exceptional .. and a really nice person to boot...  very friendly but i recently discovered how homophobic they are...  the conversation at that point ran like this: the person was moaning about they had done some off the cuff evangelism going into pubs it sounds like initially they had at least been ok with that  but something changed suddenly and they moaned that: a two headed lesbian would be received more willingly than a christian....  (with such emotion on the two headed lesbian bit)....(my reaction... then they said:) i confess prejudice...; i replied: sounds like a confession..

even though i didn't quite find them humble and self conscious i took the words to come from someplace the words coming out measured and who knows what but somehow spontaneous those words came out......at the time  the word prejudice felt to be ..not a meaning of GOD but of man... and i was secretly pleased to have things that way! this is a person who has knowingly prayed for lesbians before now.... not every self effacing christian would do that!  in a spontaneous faith of GOD LOVES THE WORLD!! so the person who is comfortable on the whole with that prejudice is happy to pray in the street ... but is not comfortable to sit inside his place his peace with say a lesbian couple.....  a place like church?   later soandso and someoneelse return... i am immersed in worship i shout out greetings and continue ... and for the very first time i do not join them and chat....  in my head is well i catch some of that all boys talk about theology that leaves me hitting my head on the table... but me i is well milking this feeling of alien#ation for all it's worth!...

ok backtrack a bit
for those of us with prejudice (who has not something or other?) we often get away with the duplicitous nature of bearing prejudice by hanging out with people with the same prejudice ... me i find it utterly distasteful to hear christians comparing their prejudices and leaving thtm in place... me i cannot understand why it is not the same for everyone .. it certanly is when we hear christians behave in ways we do not expect of Jesus... in public?  why is it different in private? why are we so tribal about the protection of our indiscretions? defending often along the lines of ....we are all human .... as if that explains what exactly... well this is what it seems to for me.... it seems to be saying that we the humans are just like you lot out there all humans too and therefore there is an underlying truth and this seperates the lambs from the rats.... the humanness that is seen is that a place we can feel easy to join ? to join in with ? that's church so basically those folks already being stationed in the ivory white city set the tone for folks to feel welcome or really want to sit with those folks....   who seem to say ...so if you don't like our humanness well tough you is born of the devil or something along those lines in extreme cases... 

the problem is simply this why are they so comfortable with that? why are we so  tolerant of that that is unclean ... in other words the prejudice itself or whatever else our uncleanness might be manifest as....  and by unclean i really do mean spiritually rather than what each of or any of us has as our own thoughts of uncleanliness like URGGHHH you eat offal!?  or brussel sprouts

when actually they is waitin for the second coming.... or at the very least someone new to come along and put them to shame? well no they has plenty of new christians that seem to do that pretty good at least get them to utter those words :  llok at X they put us to shame! they say .... but me i don't see too much change happening though a bit of time along and it's not long before that hey guess what....   X has changed! X looks like one of the christians now ... and me i sees this and i think well.... despair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  so what is the second coming gonna do that the first one forgot to do?  or never intended to do?  do we need to have a second coming in order to make sense of the first coming ?  or is this really it?  nice to see you again christianity......   


my sense of alienation continues though as i say to new depths.....  i am sure that my pastor is playing games with me and it is all about who is right ...hell no it's all about uncleanliness and shower just don't cut through the ice....  the pastor is clued up to that i ignore his sermons well that's cos i listen to half a one and hey that's great listen to another one and hey that's devilfish talkin someplace.....  with great stuff mixed in ....urggh that leaves me wantin to take a shower and it can be on any marnner of topics... mind you  the topics are all that .. stuff i've heard all that before and though pastors may not be tired of those sermons they compare notes enough.... i is well fed up of them they is meaningless.... full of doctrine and they talk about Annointing and talk about i is your leader and they can talk about all the prep and prayer they does before hand all they likes but in end effect it's all bullshit and spiritual pride and manhood and manliness and even such intriguing issues like well teacher when was the last time you had sex or what was it you were doin last weds or when was it....  not that the latter points come into it but it is hard to swallow this Annointing stuff one minute and full blooded manly pride the next in whatever form that takes....  but i do confess me i has got to is it my pride has got the better of me?  everything seems pointless right now?  even what GOD does and i should by rights and on the basis of the foregone be exceptionally interested and excited but me all i react to is how meaningless everything is....

the hangin out with the Spiritual types when all the Spiritual types is pretty much the same muchness as i said before them spiritual types at least round these parts are of the same cloth they all has the same prejudices....  they is all the same folks that you as an outsider wants to sit with or not according to their humanness... you should want to sit with them according to your thirst for the Love of GOD but why is it that you sit with them and all you sees is their humanness ?  AND what is more the traditions of humanness that carry on side by side with the gospel....  does it matter?  i have a feelin that take back time to the B.C. days that not too amny folks on the whole wanted to be jewish converts... in other words folks what doesn't already belong by rights by birth into the 'right ' families... and Jesus says something about the travelling far and wide to make converts to folks that turns out just like yourselves hey! now why does Jesus warn against these things are they really heeded ?

i said that my pastor was playin games with  me and i feel convinced of this......  based on what they who do hnot hear from GOD very well rely on other'Spiritual types too holily and has Annointing so they see a very clear image of what it would take for me to ... well what exactly.....  be one of those folks wot looks like... something i see already and stay away from in the background... me i seems to has stopped goin to evening services in other churches at the minute so weiry i is not just of not listening to predictable sermons about nothing in particular with little to show but plenty of vanity of manhood of the speaker... or well to be honest the folks that has the right credentials to sit through these is seriously getting on my nerves i is weary of seeing fear in theri eyes if one wants to atalk about GOD rather than what someone with full exhibition of manhood had to say....  they are afraid  but fillin the coffers to make all this endeavour possible just as it says on the tin...: this is church the leader is a man...what is it about men that makes folks afraid mena and women alike?

the good thing is that i am at this time frame and not even looking to GOD where i did previously... i am thinking oh i so do not want to be like you... and if GOD only sees the kinds of people that you admire well whatever hell is like i take that option gladly,,,,,,  if the only alternative is hanging out with the unclean clean lookin (it's amazing what a bit of self belief and personal prep can do in the morning! )spruced up after the abomination of their acts of violence and synergy all over the place......(and that's just in the mind !)  i am so weiry of churhc that today io am thinking well i donb't go to housegroup i don't really want to go to church any more and if i am honest i am seriously doubting what others have spotted as completely sane that hanging aroudn chuirch is completely insane and hanging around all these broken folks is making me feel sick and alienated,,,, and there are actuallyt exaclty ZERO altlternatives...


well the church is growin and folks has cleaned up their act and cleaned up thier all sorts of stuff and consequently they is now the bees knees they has repented apparently and in all their ffing niches of one sort or another they has found elixir... you think i'm jokin well actually no! what the church leader believes is right for his/her own life is what we has all over the show... the ones feelin weary is the ones what is single.....  surprise surprise... what they is feelin weiry cos they is single?.... i think living up to mrs jones has something to do with it afterall when one sees a parade of those bubbly moments.... kindov hides the rest don't you think?and this in my book is fornication ... someone wants to talk on james and sexuality or something.... and guess what homosexuality will come up and in case anyone was thinking in any sort of neutral terms well they has got another thing coming you see where hell is concerned there is no alternative... hom is gonna be there bbig time so it is worthbeing reminded of one way or another don't you think.... should i go or was i pushed.... well after Monday's decibel hearing of fornication is the in thing Gospel enquiry er prayer night.... GOD said to me as i was going up some stairs 'this is my battle not yours' and i just look Him in the eye as best as i can and say.... well You'd better make more effort then handn't You!!!.... more effort at the minute seems to be all about them folks i don't watnt to sit in heaven with airing out precisely the reasons why that should be so!... so what if there is Revival....  here in these unholy war parts and it is a possibility there is aat least a Move of GOD ... and plenty of prayer for that too.... shall i let you in  on somethin there is also a clear view of what is good and bad and there is me thinkin how little folks #view of folks and so on....   is it possible to miss revival cos well one was there and thought it should be inconsequential you know what i has a view of revival right there in my mind it is certainly not inconsequential ... but you know what a bit of me wants to just watch it from afar... do you think i has been hangin round too much with church types is all the stuff... i am weiry cos everythi9ng that's said has to be analysed and i has so many converstaions with GOD GOD never does nuffink you know that but as i has said before many a time we cannot always see what it is that GOd wants how GOD goes about stuff and all that....  and i is not convinced that we is terribly flexi9ble to be trying to see and that counts me in like everyone else somehow don't you think which is a pretty boring thing to has in common with folks and be the sole representative featrure of what it is that brings us all in on a Sunday morning ....

youknow what at the minute all i can see is these knuckleheads prancing around like they ifeels something special and it is all about them....  and all i can see is how much i dislike them for that and  and just about every vbalue they espouse.... is there an issue of Spiritual abuse... well that is the question they forgive themselves and others like'em... and that's good enough for them so why should i complain?  they say you should forgive them! which is i see as i write now an admission of intention of guilt somewhere... innit... hey you know what that has cheered me up!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,




f GOD has a prejudice it is to LOVE and BE LOVED IN RETURN....

[ecuworrier]

mellow beauty today..... well seems the prayer squad is out in GOD Measure... how are you feeling today asks mog brigjhtly .... why are you asking me that? i asks knowing the answer by that mog asked... mog mog's self is not looking so bright but then.... there is nothing like a bit of prayer to sort out the loose change....

yesterday was interesting...

i had another prayer warrior rooting for me... and they had for them.... i shared about forgiveness .... you see? i had to explain it again you have no idea how much cheer that gave me... we ended up in a really interesting discussion ... which at first i thought oh no i shouldn't have said that! it was all about ostracism... forgiveness then all the way to oh that favorite bludgeoned instrument the one of freewill.... that the chuirch so liberally uses to despise ...

oh here's a bit more on Forgiveness ... i explained that i wasn't quite there with the detail or finality... in John somewhere... Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit that in the Holy Spirit if you forgive someone they are forgiven if you don't they are not... something like that... i was a bit intrigued by this like heey are we talking freewill options here?... you see there are some stories that upset my count of Jesus Forgives so what happened there then!? like Judas' demise ... 'I have lost none that you have given me but the one who is doomed to die... something like that!.... and the death of one of the couple in Acts who sold their possessions but kept the money back for themselves and one of them drops dead right there....  ok so Peter i think is there.... are we talking GOD's Activity or Spiritual Options? so   is this Spiritual Abuse thing more powerful and not to be underestimated... or is it just me not being quite in the zone on understanding... that GOD well GOD is GOD folks say... i think my heart feels really uncomfortable with the arbitrariness of stuff like who can be all gleaming loved up by GOD and who can feel utterly permanently condemned... like is this of necessity a GOD thing... which brings neatly to well... free will of course...  the person i was speaking with i have heard use such doctrinal statements as we are all sinful or we are all evil even... like that is our essential nature... well we all hear stuff like that! even though the logic of the Bible appears to start with goodness!... so where does freewill go wrong then?

 or does GOD go wrong i mean if we are intended to be helpful how is it we end up being logged as monsters ... or well GOD is in control ok so one way and another we is helpful to GOD but how is it that we ends up being such a mess and creating havoc and GOd just lets us get on with that ... it all seems a bit arbitrary and GOD can come across as a bit of a bully and a prankster even in our mode of understanding!.... well the freewill argument in church is used to say we are all in complete control and responsibility of our actions ... and therefore it is up to us to repent.... i disagree with this i see folks as at times being to continue that terminology: out of control! and that being out of control limits our ability to fully apprehend ourselves!  i was quite grateful that we appeared to come out of that one still friends and i think i gave my friend something to think aobut... while i know i have a whole lot more thinkin to do on the other front.... gottago now

 i have only recently noticed this which on investiagation seems completely daft... given all the ingredients have been there for a while at night at least.... if you sit in a particularly location and stare out into space there is a white crucifix in view... like i say i have (mysteriously) only recently noticed it  and only yesterday investigated ... it scientifically .... yes it is a reflection but the object that is reflected does not of itself give a crucifix shape at least not in that undeniable form ... but it is the distortion given by a reflective surface that distorts an image into shape.........at a particular point of view...   was talking about this with someone who was moaning about seeing crucifixes everywhere whereas me i love to see them it's like Jesus is nudging me to concentrate on Him when it is me what is wandering off into darkness  and i have been warming to this image.. it's almost like hey never mind the fag i go outsidce just to stare at the crucifix...  that vantage point for point of view  all important like you need to know where to stand to get the best view of JESUS


it's been a really interesting day all around

i even did that all rare thing and read some evangelical magazine confirming why that is a rarity... i read two pieces.... one about men and the church that there aren't enough men in the church cos there are too many women ..... the article was logical enough to point out that though men were in teh 3-1 majority in positions of frontline leadership women attende 60% of the time well it was a far fetch to me to see that the problem was the women... though the kinds of women who like a strong man at the front can indeed be a problem in my eyes... so that was curious a pretty pathetic effort at analysis i thought!... on the other hand i read the former head of london theological college's view of Rob Bell's apparently controversial tome 'Love wins' ..... apparently well io haven't read the book and it's entirely poss that i would fail to get the gist of anything and probs disagree with everything  but i had a little irritation on this mystery status the literary Giving the Bible gets refered to by the critic..... seems his main problems with Bell is his referencing of the Bible... look me i am not going to stick up for some author especially i haven't read! but goodness..... only refering to half a bible!?  what about the referencing of GOD ? i thought is he fully referncing GOD somehow

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

the ad 'Reihnhardt Bonnke's miracle prayer... makes me wonder slightly if i am seeing things i mean who pays for ads like that? and well sadly i don't get it... then i look back anddd ... it's gone....  there's no-one to say to excuse me can you just have a look what does that say?

ah yes there were a coupla things from yesterday still....

one was...  what!!!?????? there it is ! i have in deed been searching high and low and even asked if anyone had emptied the shared hoover... well they had but the last time i saw it had been well the day approx last time i had hoovered which was.... well before the last emptying of the hoover....  look anyway... i don't bother those dates don't match and ..... this was weeks ago.....  well me i had a good old hoover yesterday with the same machine as i had used that day when i had finished i was retiduying some stuff and there it was!....

i was given a book voucher some time ago and the nice thing about book vouchers is you get to choose your own present but me maybe the whole voucher culture thing never came my way when it would have been very useful to have that inside knowledge! about how is the best way to choose a present!... i have to admit i am crap consequently i have had this highly treasured bookvoucher for some time ... what me? buy books ? it's the thought that counts! now that sort of present i can cope with! the giver genuinely wanted to and hey i don't have to deal with whether i like the actuality of the present .....

this bookvoucher has fallen in two parts as i felt it was a pretty special present really and i didn't want it to go to waste with wrong choices and all that! but that said....   the two parts where one should be are it seems quite mobile and it was one of these that went missing... and now was found again!

since it went missing .... i have felt challenged and tested.... you see the person who gave it to me in the first place and i have well not exactly fallen out but there is a monumnetal distance even for me an agressive stance...  i mean you don't do such patriarchal theology at me and get away with that!.... but what above all else has changed has been that they really have changed quite a bit and the full of well the usual imperfection person that person was i warmed to and the new ghost version i really do not.... all i can say is that to me it looks like a whole lot is wrong and me all i is doin is lookin on and sayin that to me it looks like a whole lot is wrong ... and actually them by their choices ? oor is it? well those are the choices that they has made!  see as you can see i am full of sympathy... but really i grieve for the person they were... however the distance is a mutual event i feel and necessity filled with hostility... i mean you cannot have such patriarchal control philosophy and not be be necessarily aggressive and hostile... so me is wary and them well....

so  the loss of the voucher was really testing my sense of justice .....  the gift given but unredeemed.. the important thing to the giver was the gift... what one did with it after that.....  well needless to say thay i still do not know what to do with it now it is found again... but it is hard to honour the giver fully at a time the giver now is a full stranger of the sort that wouldn't give the likes of me a gift .... hey so bge it!

the other bit of yesterday threw me..... there was a time of a short time of prayer there were three of us and we all prayed ..... afterwards......  i was wondering along... you see don know about you but otherpeoples' prayers at times can feel like a bit of a book list... or just a list of something or other!..... and i think we cna get have those moments .....well .... there is also the raising your voice... well that's what you do when you want to be heard isn't it seems logical.... well there is also that raised voice (hey i am including myself in here) that is no-one is listening to me hey i feel isolated and etetc etc..... well the raising of voice in pulblic prayer meetings is pretty interestiung!.... and when i hearsd that sense of raisevoice like no-on e is listening but we wish they would please? help? you are real arent' you ? and i was out walking later on and pondering this raised voice stuff.... and that inglish thing to shout the louder the same things that weren't understood at least not in context earlier..... and i ws sayin in my mind.... wwh if you find you are shouting.... then just take a breath... ii was meaning the central aspect to all this is that communion with the Father and as i said that guess what i was filled with the Holuy spirit i cam over all funny kept walking but came over all funny wow!


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

ah peace and quiet...

the last coupla days have been really interesting..... yesterday and today some reacquaintance with the past

1) yesterday..... i am on my way to watch some footie when i bump into someone i have not spoken to for years! a few sentenses gives a synopsis of what's happened in between.... then it's my turn ... the only thing that's ???? well the only thing i can think of is new church  and all that GOD has done with it....   me well i find myself peered at... i have kindof spoken in a kindof play down way cos.... i am speaking to someone who is highly intelligent and is a detailed thinker and someone one feels one can learn from ..one can certainly discuss both religion and Spirituality and spirituality they have that sort of amazing mind and powers of concentration it's like they are always working but always achieving something for their efforts... i mean how many folks can jsay that!?  the trouble is.... well if there is a trouble i find myself feeling a bit in acorner and saying to GOD help!? and mutter on about religion and science and world view thinking in science being applied to the legalisatuion of the text of the Bible sort of thing ... while assuming an understanding of GOD ... 'GOD cannot be understood' is the reply i mean it's obvious the tone of voice... like why am i even entertaining such a notion when i am not it's the others i'm trying to say... while me i just want to observe GOD as GOD DOES....

all those years ago i was introduced to the concept of some mysticism courtesy of the writings of a mystic.... well i did have a loojk at a couple of pages and decided then and there it was not for me.....  but now yestereday i find myself suggested to that i might now be ready to read this material... me i find myself with no such enthusiasm all i have said is how fed up i am with religion... (surely as i was then?)... and really i just stopped on my way to watch some footie and now i is feelin a little misunderstood... 

it's weird to have that sort encounter... GOD's Timing is always perfect... and me all i can say is that i do feel at home with even with where i am at....  i do wonder though....

2) today... courtesy of an invite from someone i know who is taking part in an exhibition of art with friends at a sort of houseparty thing.....  i go along cos i've been invited ... i discover how little i know of my inviter when i find myself amidst an amazing gentle and healing atmosphere in a very new age setting everything everyone here has one or other take on spirituality... and although some of it has a very familiar feel and on the whole is positive and peaceful in 'persuasion?' me i thinks help! Jesus!... +- the person who invited me is not there .... i am a little glad of that! but very conscious of the sensitive vibe and that me.... i am so glad that there are some other tourists there bustling through the artwork...  it is really a beautiful setting and beautiful artwork and very thoughtfully put together by the most apparently nice folks ....  and i am a little tense as i am confronted by motifs of stuff belonging to time gone by as well as an unfamiliarity of this time.... it's the second time recently that i have been hanging around art and not a christian in sight... i am finally given the opportunity to talk about Jesus when i start chatting with someone i mention the person who is not there which leads me to a question that GOD has arranged that i can talk about nothing but my Faith practice.... it feels a little odd but i sail into it.... here i am standing in the midst of beauty and various assault on mind and senses....  of aesthetic.... actually let's be honest this is shangri la of sorts.... and here is a fresh from church christian .....feeling embarrassed almost.... we don't do heaven in church let's be honest ... is it cos we is too busy waitin to see how GOD does it in the afterlife? well i feel challenged  and yet while i am certainly in a wonderful and muystical place and one that assaults the senses with reminders of the past there i stand and observe and then realise you know what i am gonna trust GOD.....    what it reminds me is all this environmnet that opens the senses takes me to a place of thinking that.... the time i most had open senses was having a breakdown  and living in an environment that had an aspect of rough diamond version of what i see here... and let's be honest christians do bland very well!.../ though some ....  they is partial to a bit of alcohol or insence or candles for effect... well it's biblical isn't it.....

anyhow here i is coming out as a christian slightly uncertainly but amqzingly the more i gets into a short and somewhat sanitized version of my story i finds myself with this....   you see i remember when i was a bit more interested in what.....   well certainly there were manuy aesthetic and sensual qualities to behold... what i used to find that i share was you would go out from this gorgeous sense of place... and come back completely rattled desperate to avoid anything that would yes i did use the word 'infect'  this pure space so like you'd be desperate not to encounter strangers on the street etc not touch or even look in theri eyes for fear of... and inevitably you had failed and you would come back all irritable......   nowadays i wants to pray for people i previously would avoid.....  Jesus has done something to my heart...

it is part of my testimony that reading the Gospels ups the anti in terms of what one expects from church or christians generally... i am excited by this the Gospel stories... i am excited by Jesus wants to Bless my enemies that Jesus can Heal the 5000 or the ceremonially uinclean lepper or feed the 5 000 or raise folks from the dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i conclude i am in the best place  i feel that what well i finish with a flourish i say: look the GOSPEL speaks for itself... but Jesus means the Lord that Saves so if you EVER>>>> need to ... you can call out His Name... at this point the room is entirely empty but for the one person who has been graciously listening to a slightly rough diamond person explain the journey from shangrila ... i am aware iof my slghtly political bent small p... and Jesus certainly does the bizz Jesus cares about everyone not just the people i care about.;.. i like that...

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

it's lovely here what with a bit of Coltrane and stuff...

today has been **** hot bizzy and am well bogged down with the... oh nos of life...  tomorrow preoccupation is gonna be time squeeze and me is i ready to be time squeezed... spect i'll be up late again!

yesterday again visit to hey church was cool ! well GOD is Cool!.... the talk topic is cool and pretty much avoided Paul but then maybe...  i just knew when to walk out in time.....  this Forgiveness thing is cool they is in the wrong hey cool ! i think we all need a bit of a pep talk... from time to time...  to get it on with GOD! ... it seems so long ago and it just feels an age ago.... ah yes me is surely feelin distant though cos i waltzes in avoids folks i don't want to sit with don't sing bits of song i don't want to find a nice private space and even ... well there i am singin worship in the corridoors... what's that all about reminds me that of a few days previous there i sat.... i was looking for something pentecostal like where to go this year like .... like when actually was pentecost since last year was seems evryone was there...  from america and far and wide everyone wanted a special pentecostal visitor!

   i listened to this since no-onw was doin much as yet....   and i feel somethin of a fondness for anyone who is prepared to sit it out in the corridors of a religioius institution while they is bein whipped for the pleasure must be someone GOD is doin somethin to...  i mean who in theri right minds would go to bible college in contemporary inngland!....  where they is not wanted!...  so me there in the corridor and i goyttago!

i sure was enjoying the corridor experience ... the band started worship and i from outside the main room could just about make out the worship words.... i really was enjoying this.... i could see the service leader stand up and say some words and i just could not here what was said the band continued to play and i just asked GOD i guess i found myself instead of stepping closer to hear what was being said to step further away and towards the exit....  i felt a little bemused and then.... i was outside what was ... i'd felt myself somehow led there and i looked around ... in view there was one group of people getting into a car and close by the door was someone faffing with a mobile phone thing.... that person caught my eye and asked for directions to go in ... i said come with me... we shook hands exchanging introductions... i led them inside to the main room letting them in before me....  they stood for a second or two and turned round.. what is this? a church... it's not what they were looking for.. oh!? .. i explained what had happened and muttered a few words appropriate to what had just happened and off they went!..... me i felt sure that GOD was indeed in control and what had just happened was exactly what was meant to...

 mog and me goes for coffee again... the same woman who appeared last time we woz there is here again but sits at another table at first i did not recognise her....  it's only as she passes by me clearly not walking freely that i recognise her.....  i'll tell you what though sitting there talking GOD stuff with mog and watching the world go by folks with mobility issues are strugglin everywhere and each limp and wheelchair catches my attention... all those struggles of life AND...GOD wants to....  save

some funky music:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tLWLNhBWfY&feature=related

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

another weird GOD created interfered with event!  what can i say?... here was i in the midst of .... and logged on for forever only apparently not!... with one feel swoop GOD interferes in everything and suddenly dumps my post not only that... well here i am deja vue... back to the begining of the tape.... Heidi Baker in an event in inngland last year... what's remarkable about this and everything at least for me is that this tape stands out as one i have had on and even listened to and earlier there was i and a prophetic message all typed out and well this message Remain in me ....and other thingsRemain in MY LOVE and all that the story appeared completely unfamiliar somehow and yet i have had it on before and everytime there is some sort of interference happens and the whol ething vanishes and i am left with a sense of i want to pick this up later!...  and this message oh how i need to hear this right now!....

Remain in me  in MY LOVE

i am so overwhelmed by well everything about a life worth living ... a life of extreme Truth Fire Love openness miracles a totally unreligious outcome... i love this thing about folks who know they make mistakes and the sharing of their journey includes the lesson of LOVE of Learning about that LOVE... i am envious of that LOVE that expression those stories that Grace, Fire! that learning to TRUST in the FIRE of THAT LOVE! a journey that's for ,ife not just for christmas the trusting in that Faith that Forgiveness that Healing that Mystery made tangible through encounter and the Hearing and the Seeing and the Walking... here is me today feeling thoroughly fed up! and so indignity and indulgent in frustration and a few  minutes of .... how is that... ok how is it that we need that reminding that we need that reminder that moving on that a bit of tape or digital can captivate capture something that we can go back to... is this moving on or backwards and forwards my version of liturgical drama a liturgical cycle where we have ... i'm scared i feel almost an idiot to sit here and watch this... i mean these words to leaders and who am i? misfit too misfit too much trouble to be a leader ... then the begining of the tape begins with Heidi come and Bless us and then also give her a big welcome... are we not these strange cultural deprivation of celebrity?  me would i like this come and speak to these people and there i peer out into the darkness from the spotlight and say... i hate your guts you wanna know that.... and everything you stands for! and hear the gasps ... they didn't invite me to say that now did they?... come and Bless ! this is what she is this is what she DOES but with all the comfortableness to glide amongst her popularity she is also able to say words we just do not want to hear right now... i din't come for this!.. who feels let down? what if what she said was exactly not what we want to hear and you know what it comes up later on as a story tjhat she tells about when she got that wrong! she did not listen!....  who is it we worship?  how can we if it doesn't come to us just so? why is it that soandso went to this church or that event and that was the moment? who was pentecost for for the people who tell the story or the folks touched by Fire... i tell you what though this is the second time today i'm listening to this and i am bolting earlier i was wondering where that had gone ... in the interrim i have made a single phonecall and that to a charismatic church to ask about an itinerary...

i love the simplicity of her message... listening to comments about poverty and our reaction about people injustice poverty hungry the poor wanderer and shelter clothe the naked... it makes sense within the simplicity of a non western setting... how does it apply to a western setting many ask this but the reality is well should it? is it relevant? there are many questions and we in the church well is it any wonder we are only interested in going from church to home and back again and pray well we are short of things to pray for Align With ME what? we've done all that already haven't we we said our prayers did our deeds and then even said sorry for where we well we kindov fell short.. that's enough isn't it GOD well what else would You want?  TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN... that that's given freely given that passed on magnifies ... we wait for that we count the cost and we sit and watch others and that is enough surely!? ythis false accounting or bookkeeping? this is the west for crying out loud!  the land of borrowing into tomorrow without accounting for how to make good without having to account for the papearance of fools will will give over pride and goods and species and slaves or the absence of folks prepared to make a stand... who buy the rights to land from under your feet...  that sort of accounting...

it takes a special sort of pride perhaps to preach to the converted and convert.. to battle it out with the well where was GOD when penicillin or whatever...

the self aware look i know that by my own efforts i can affect my life just fine ...does Heaven on earth have anything over personal shangrilas?  or by my own efforts all i seem to manage is a mess... i sat on the bus earlier and already these i thought there were tow oh no there were three were in my face at the bus stop.. i am showered by old bus tickets and an apparent eagerness to converse.... and unnecessarily wielded bags and things i feel my space encoached upon and no sooner do i take my seat i have a feeling that... the trouble is i is not sure if i takes celebrity status for being recognised for street stuff or not!.... it takes me by surprise....  to think that it puts me on duty of sorts visible as a christian i'd better not grump too much!!!!     the three are determined to sit pretty much in my lap... where i get after i accepted there is not only no escape GOD has some sort of plan .... what are these three in some ways they are all the same... i am thinking people with learning difficulties ? but able? i am left not entirely sure of how they relate to eachother it appears to be two or is it three generations mother and two daughters? gran and two daughters.... the daughters are? teenage  15 14? twenties? the older woman 40/50/60? i am certainly left pondering i ask GOD for some clue but am left without....  one thing that appears to be certain is the one who appears to be the youngest of the two is pregnant... i stare at the woman who may be grandma about to be grandma? i just have this completely sick pit in my stomach about this group the expressions on their faces the secret smug smilings pf tje twp ypunger something about sex and sexual exploitation sex that was forced? who knows i have an impression of sexual abuse / sexual mispropriety they are too young ... i have a feeling that mam/nan is not entirely with it there is a pathetic acceptance and i am furious the pathetic collusion or the pathetic i wasn't there ...despair .. i do find myself praying for one of them and GOD's characteristic mark of GOD is doing something happens before me eyes.... i feel sick there is just something generational ... the older woman is good looking and she oddly looks like she should come from another culture other than the one that she finds herself in but that may purely be genetics ....   generations of women sickeningly exploited /and exploiting? and generations of men sickeningly well whatever.... this is love the words of that song 'nail pierced hands a wounded side this is love.... is this relevant to them... it was months ago when i heard these words i was shocked by them but i cannot avoid that i heard them walking along the street after housegroup/// i want you to work amongst the poor///  somehow that did not fill me with joy but filled me with a heavy sense of resignation all the things i is not equipped to do but then what am i equipped for?

prophetic message if there are prophetic people here this is a prophetic message if there are not prophetic people here this is a prophetic message... back again on time... remain in me John 15 reamin in me and ..... i will do what you ask... the emphasis is on Alignment with GOD... Heidi Bakers's anecdote is a long one all the components of faith and decision making in adverse circumstances what does one believe in what does one hold to how does one make sure that GOD gets what Jesus wants? earlier i lost a whole post and could not get the information that i wanted.... i asked GOD and GOD sorted everything about the information the decision i have to make is a b c in terms of plans but me hey i don't understand and for the first time all day since i was in the bus i want to cry


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

listnin to my current favorite youtube clip of some jazz... amazing!!!!!!!

it's kindov soothin...

i'm depressed i know this i feel completely overwhelmed.....  and as for listnin to GOD... feels an act of faith i'm not ready for....

the continuity of depression is kindov understandable well it makes sense to me  physiologically and psychologically logical.... i feel sick  and am all scrunched up....   i am living in a christian culture that has no answers and the last place to look for answers is within christian culture... feel good factors are part of the inbuilt sector but they are culturally conditional  depend on all sorts of things that leave me cold and wanting to wretch.... this is hardly THE WAY THE LIFE...  it is perhaps no surprise christianity while helpful to some in a bad way to oh so many even new christians is an anathema....  the expectancy of GOD comes oh so second to human frailty feel good factors....   i feel i'm on a long list of those who despair and within their settings and of these there are many until illness sets in or madness or leaving the churdh or someone finds something out....  the christian life is a dour one and one set within confines set apart from what is going on outside with little more than derisory attention it would be self serving if the so called sacrifices weren't so colourful leaving shades of grey...

 the continuity of this lent season is a bizarre one of otherworldness my spirit far from wanting to be a part of .... wasting away silent.....  as i sit here if this had been this time in the cycle last year i imagine i would have been someplace else... earlier today i could have been.... i woke up early enough but me hey i felt well.... had i felt differently.... well i did not.... i struggled with the idea the motivation even though GOD had gone some way to sorting stuff... i tell you i set some conditions GOd did not meet these i did not go!.....  what went wrong! i had more than one reason to go... it was this....  did i hear the message ... was it cos i was whittiering on about Heidi Baker getting things wrong.... you know i feel to tired to care i really feel .... let's tie this all together.. there are two points one was.... last year i strode out and was wowfactored i listened to stories GOD did some stuff and the christian life was... well i was robbed i felt cheated!! and that is it really .... i meqan i return to tjhe chruch and no-one seems to want to know.... there is more..... and this is just evidence of things not being so taken seriously... the lowest point of the year was when my pastor goes off on conferences comes back .... i see the tapes ...and then comes his sermon!....  i was screaming with rage! we were all being robbed!!!!.... how comes they can all go to the same conference i see them come back and then pop! blam! then comes his sermon!... pastoral leadership what is the meaning of the words!? how can anyone come back with that!!! i was furious!!! it's like the way the truth the life was for someone else... they print the message but they mean someone else......  scandal....

  here am i in the church and i feel in some ways this is 'as far as i can go' ... to quote the words of someone who appears to have drifted off... in a whirlpool of anger.... well what is a church supposed to do?....  and that is the trouble... ok somethying that i have learned is that churches can leave one with a bloom or a gloom of untruth the deceptive spirit stuff so any church can do spritual abuse but whose responsiobility ios any of this i mean we sure has enough folks what pass through and then want to has a row about some point or not your not preaching the gospel... if you ever had the experience of feeling to go up to the sermon maker... i recall one where i was left.... shocked at his reaction ... he was grateful!!!! but there he was tired and still telling it like it is and he does not believe his own message... and the place to reach him is well some place else !!!   

so there is me thristy to be refreshed and GOD sets stuff up cos GOD is like that but me i hey ... i buckle ... let's face it if GOd had been adamant GOD meet my demands they was simple enough... now where IS that book i know it's irrelevant and that is just the point i don't seem to have let go....

ok the thing that has happened is that i'm not taking that crap from no-one i oh so seriously do not see the point any more i know i do not see the point anymore... the thing is that GOD well GOD GOD GOD GOD ..ARE YOU LISTENING!!!!! i can't seem to hear you ... i tell you what pissed me off without me feelin anything... the moment i got into the swing of motion to go i felt my spirit soar!!!!!!! the moment i then set conditions i was back in control.... let me get some stuff clear here... like i say this lent time is about .....   the conditions we set .... the stuff that truely is in the way....  i can say i'm scared with full confidence that there ain't anyone in my church that will respond Spiritually cos their interests and their focus of attention is just so elsewhere!....  i am tired of being tired out....

i say i ma thirsty to be refreshed but hey i been there befoer so now i just say hey i been there  before and until i it is i make that breakthrough while i am sullen sulky thirteen year old like i had it in my head earlier them folks wot is lonely isolated stuck but they don't step forward and no-one comes to them they looks self sufficient right.... well isn't we just like that with GOD?  i mean if GOD was interested then GOD would be making more effort hey? and if we was interested we would be making more effort....  so if i was really interested i would be rushin round......  i think i felt quite crushed by that enthusiasm that someone like Heidi Baker has for Jesus it's somehow genuine even though there are many facets of her  personality etc that lend itself to that ....   i can sighor complain? 

... i am angry and i can't get quite get to feelin angry ... that numb rage i said to someone ....   i can't quite get to meeting GOD in person cos i'm not the sort of person ... i would be on the fringes .....  and Jesus would look round and notice keep looking round to notice the person intensely staring but out there on the fringe reviled by the disciples.... but would Jesus break breath in His journey? ..... so you see i am complaining even though the prophetic message of yesterday is all about you too... you are included ... so if i can say that to you why can't i hear the words to me?

the truth is i don't know how they translate... last year GOD stopped me thirsty parched to tell me that.... He wanted me to be led by Him.... 

so why do i need to go and listen again... i think that i was pretty upset by that when we are around faith we can believe we can hear... when left to our own devices back at base then... back at base camp zero! this is not .. what well what it is is confusing when church leaders say that conferences always feel different then is that truthfully all that GOD wants from those environments? when i was told i should spend a fortnight at Florida remember Todd Bentley it is that that will change your life... and i did not go... a part of me wants to have it both ways i guess i want to be there at least in an environment that will change my life and i want to have it 24-7... well i tell you some stories by Heidi Baker will make your hair curl and it is all about the manifestation of FAITH....   a walk that is sustained by obedience... Heidi says in the same talk if you walk obediently you won't get tired... well something is keeping her going ... hey is this all telling you something even if i ain't ready to listen yet?... the difference between a and b.....and yet Jesus is trying to tell you something even if it's me that's not listening... are you getting the picture... Jesus is trying to have a relationship with you ....not the messenger.... the messenger has his own worries for the day

so all the grumbles are all irrelevant actually...

and still i am here and this is all i have to give Be used by You GOD... do you ever sing purify my heart refiner's fire does it mean more than just the motions of your wired up jaw wired up by the motions of chjurch.... wired up to the Glory to GOD to be ignited to be a current of Glory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXR65YfWehI&feature=related


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,
have i heard ....

[ecuworrier]

hmm must find out when penticost is....  oh no there are how many?

now last time i was here i recall that evening walking past a church with some poster outside it...  reading the words "GOD needs YOU" kindov did something .....   and there it is again... meanwhile some rummaging reveals an old leaflet  there's a picture of Jesus "i need your help" are the words on it .... it is ruffling me ... and no i didn't go to church on sunday... it's the return of the religious few day ... the bizarre private members cl.ub of biblical living in control ....

and GOD is in control cos GOD's just pinched my paragraph or so!

i feel like carried away ... i feel a little Jonaesque... like looking over my shoulder in the boat and everyone saying what is it she's looking for? and then everyone feeling unsettled ... and me got my shades on and hurry along avoiding eye contact... hurrying along where exactly?

what GOD has been doing is very gracious GOD has answered prayers and GOD IS GOOD GOD IS GREAT!

that's all for now


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

http://www.revivalfires.org.uk/downloads/sermons/LoveLooksLikeSomethingHeidiBaker.mp3

just listening to this from .... being a groupie by ???....  me a groupie??? i thought i might have been there.... that makes me any less a groupie?  this groupie notion makes me think though.... earlier was listenin to something else and the threads just kept  ....   well there we were back at square one!... i don't know why i am so well... i guess it's about the stories like the multiplication of chocolate at a church some place i mean.... the Healings the miracles the unlikely events the unlikely but true... does this change anything ? what if it doesn't what if ... what ifs the place we like to stay in the fiction of whatifs....  someone speaking of bonding to Jesus completely ... it's almost impossigle to imageine that someone would of their own nature voluntariy have a passion so irresistable for Jesus that it becomes a driving force of adventure... now why would anyone in theri right mind do that... ? or is it that it takes a right heart a right mind a right understanding.... is this the life of the laissez faire don't care of the adventure the reckless judgement cos listening seems that' spretty much got to be the kindof thing! that's going on....  for someone to be apparently blind to risk?  i mean the levels of stress the levels of danger our risk averse christianity our risk averse culture apart from the freeloading yob elements ... that we see these events or stories...or listen or can't keep away of what... that listen again? or where is the thing missing!  GOD shows up oh and the person was there in the first place!.. as i listen i see the cultural space i don't feel any connection with the place where the folks listen to a story and laugh at the places that Heidi Baker is very adroit at finding those connections the place where laughs and i sit in silence i fell exhausted ... it's not so much about Heidi Baker actually i haven't a clue there is something that draws me some place that i can't go just yet or so it feels it's the only place i feel i can go spiritually right now which is pathetic or prophetic but hey i have discovered that pentecost 2011 is June 12th

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

earlier today was surfing youtube worship music... i was taken by this one....

the road here was filled with edgy mostly good natured but still edgy the street pour out poor yes complete with cans sitting more prominently than usual waiting to be .... spoken to?

me i continue my journey of nothingness... it reminds me of a time before i was found by Jesus... i was a ghost i tried to explain to someone who didn't quite appreciate....

 me well had to wrestle to the ground a situation....  i am not being fair to the last time we had this conversation still .... it was a simple straightforward enough question... was i going to....? something that was meant to be one of those church bonding exercises in the lavish praise and love of the Father.... why would i not...  we had previously spoken about seriously though why would i not i was certainly invited to and was assured of my importance to be part of the family... we had one of those last year .... and in the end i had not gone... i had felt though i was meant to .. and someone turned out to have been there i wasn't expecting and theri appearance would normally have been a no brainer for me not going and i was completely right in that regard cos it was awesome and i missed out!....  the GOD and me thing though somehow tells me that GOD getting me to go or not do something was not dependent on having all the available information to make that decision.... that's not the point of obedience hearing and responding is point blank range! that's the lesson i am learning and i am recalling the words or sentiment of the song above why i seem to be here in this discourse of sorts.... 'You know my way....' there is nothing that GOD DOES NOT KNOW so much every plant seed every rivet is accounted for and GOD not only does GOD know Heal and mend but GOD has handpicked and planned the way for each one of us and that is precisely why religiosity and human plans  for the  Kingdom are doomed to give poor returns we who do the ritualised swimming of verse just don't get it! cos we prejudge and we turn away as many as we think deserves our efforts and keep away so many more who are offended ... we think righteous actions are a consequence of righteousness but righteousness without the whims of a Living Loving GOD are empty picture frames with sharp edges to harm and hurt those we is meant to save.... it is antithetic to the Kingdom us trying to preguess prejudge the way of holiness no all we do is give up our walk to walk besides You ..and You tear the veil.. there is something about this version of this song that really affected me and took me by surprise i felt included again signed in with GOD... did it though make me feel any more bonded to the church folk i then met one by one? no not at all... each one of them invited to lunch by the church leader to explore theri role in the church....  not an invite i feel ever likely to receive do i care though.. isn't that precisely why i had already thought about it... i mean going on this trip? and actually from GOD's view point haven't a clue ... i mean what would i do all day? have to hide.. not to be there... not want to be there not want to be part of a culture that i can see does play it's part but i am completely seperate from and do not want any part of ... i have been studiously keeping myself outside of what i see as the perversity of it's nature the ungodness that sits full square with the appearance of GOD with GOD's LOVE unbounded... or if i was there i can do the GOD stuff that GOD gives me personally to do cos everyone else is .... well and so it goes on... i feel loveless godless... bored with repetition where GOD has only just Begun!  yes i feel loveless for a  culture that presumes forgives itself it's follies and indiscretions but by and by maintains itself by the same rules as anyone else....  who sets rules to live by that necessarily exclude this person or that person.... still it has a place i cannot deny this... it's just a place i don't want to go right now ok?  but i do feel like a ghost of sorts i don't want to talk to this person or that person really i can't be asked... there was a time when i felt wounded now i really can not be asked... not taking it personally makes it very impersonal so you see there is a bind here.... and that is this ... not taking it personally puts the other folks in a completely different foil now if it was purely impersonal on theri part then there is no relationship seen from theri side ... but to feel it personal that i am now impersonal makes the original seclusion the original ostracisation and discrimination personal....  and me i cannot be asked either way...  does this sound like me i am trying to b e personal ... no me i is trying to survive work out the mechanics of how GOD is gonna rescue me in my midst without church to go messing with GOD's head it's practically impossible within a church which is why chuirch is so so messed up... the people who feel ok and are even able to raitonalise and spiritualise these positions are the one who get to lead from the front read books and write them so folks who read books can learn ...me and the likes of me has only got GOD to grumble to... but the mes and the mes likes of me are of many colours and convictions and maybe eventually together all the grumbles will gets heard all at once

that is not however a precondition for revival  or maybe it will be revival means living again so we got to be in that state of born free imagine this ... revival happens well everytime it happens guess what there is some folks there and some folks who popped out were perhaps away for a bit....  we is all so busy in our culture these days...

no it is this we wis talkin about endtimes yesterday... Jesus said only GOD the Father knew the appointed hour....  for all the situations  we preoccupy ourselves dwelling on and have done for the past 2000+ years...

we had a giggle about maybe the rapture actually did happen on Saturday after all...  no i was talkin about that all those who loved GOD loved ....  and then i suggested that was probs about three people in the world...  i like GOD is in Power GOD is in the WORLD ALIVE AND WELL.... i am disappointed in all you lot though and i realise it is left to me to walk my faith as far as i can go with it....  was it meant to be like this though this hard this lonely though i now am feeling some solace in the solitude at least it hasn't got too much of you lot after all all i has to do is pray for you guys so i can almost do that without ever having met any of you and perhaps it works better that way....  someone to pray for me .. who would bother if they met me?  so maybe it is better this way... everyone gets to save face...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMrAafe7Mns&feature=related

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

it was weird yesterdzy and that now has me in tears..... yesterday was listening to something on the internet..... and out of the blue there was contemporary mention of something oh yes i knew what was going on there i had done some pretty spontaneous and some pretty big prayers and public they were dunno if anyone was listening but...and then ..... GOD gives me some feedback i can hardly believe it and that i don't know why that wants to make me cry ... i guess i is human afterall   i just wasn't sure about what had.. well you know...

[ecuworrier]

mmmm.... last night attempted to post at a late night cafe ...and was not happy with the pop ups so left it....

but GOD was really gracious!!!!....  been spending some time with mog who was last week under the weather....  actualy the same things i say to mog applies to me...  it's the basics of the weathervane only points the direction the wind blows ... but GOD is at every corner of sight.... and where is GOD NOW?

yesterday streetstuff was interesting ... the weather was well lots of it blowy we was hanging onto stuff for dear life and it was like stepping back into winter ..... and of the three of us two looked like they had done just that .... well me had come in a different drift alltogether and just allowed every opportunity to well one moment wow...how does Jesus see these people ? with LOVE wow! and there was something about the quality of the sight of Jesus eagerly looking out on these people that was utterly compelling utterly confounding utterly breathtaking drawing folks in to that safety....  it was so outside religious it was outrageously so... i am moved by this .. i feel this LOVE...



today felt really amazingly better for saying to someone that church was a farce and the whole thing about believing in church as opposed to believing in Jesus a whole lot of .... nonsense really... i feel truely liberated though i dragged myself into church and avoided talking to those i didn't want to ... it certainly was interesting GOD doesn't mean us to talk to no-one .... and even those we thought we was avoiding!....

a nice upending .... mog and me goes for coffee... i wants to go to the same place we wents to first time so we does... and the person we met previously comes and joins us ....  and we chat and i pray ... person felt Blessed by that original encounter!.... i feel the Presence of GOD the hunger of hungriness.... "All who are thirsty..... all who are weak.... come to the fountain dip your heart in the streams of life etc"

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

oops juggling pennies and minutes....  it does not take much of an outlay for something hopefully useful .... for the rest of everything to become cliff edge stuff!.... i confess right now i is a bit .... having to deal with something specific... one of those Papa knows best when you know you have been well and truely Blessed and now all of a sudden .... change appears....  as you should know by now i do not get on with change .. and change sometimes seems unthinkable!...  i feel disappointed but there is nothing i can do ... am not really coping with it tbh what it does illustrate is that some people in our lives are indeed important and are important for more reason than that they are good friends when you chat it's that GOD thing.... GOD seems to have been systematically dismantling parts of my fellowship one way and another while i feel a little unable quite to see what GOD is doing instead....  it's all good stuff like i keeps telling others and somehow i take a i try to take comfort bit by bit at least when actually help i can't quite hear!  look i don't know but i'm at that stage of trying to grieve and not to think about it .....  it feels weird and i feel alarmed cos me i is not entirely sujre what i is listening to..... or avoiding hearing hey ho!

yesterday attempted to go to a chuich that should have been open twice... on the second visit i had missed church and stood outside with someone who was waiting for a lift... i had met them previously and we had not gone on .....  it was curious to see them again aftyer all this time ... needless to say we had not got on.... a person with learning difficulties who had tried some sort of fellowship welcoming physical contact that caused me to growl ferociously....   it was weird.... here we were the door was shut cos they had not had milk for tea and they just decided to leave early .... so much for that... anyhows i went to one pub to listen to some music.... saw the musicians outside and thought hey i need to go elsewhre then saw a christian .... caught up briefly.... went home end of church daypah

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,