... the er ... lent blog 2011(cont'd)

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

a few minutes... this is the resounding theme of apportioning of time.... but tbh not to GOD... who has been busy putting me in touch with one or two folks i haven't seen for a while.....   catching up.... hey!

one of those is a christian i haven't seen for a year.... previously they always were full of the Holy Spirit.... someone with a unredoubtable (?) passion for GOD .. a passionate person who has been dealt a pretty challenging basket of life... one that would be too much for many of us...!!!! and of course the church has been next to no help whatsoever!  the one thing that is different from last year is that i wonder ... what has happened to GOD... i pick up something ... it doesn't surprise me  that things fall flat for me?... what they have done is and i add my question mark here? cos i don't honestly know... the future is looking up but where is GOD? ... they has traded in GOD? for a support.... i recall that previously this human form that offered a whole lot of stuff that GOD was useless at.... you know the thing....  the church had i was a little surprised to hear rather a lot to say about it.... which of course where the church has nothing obviously helpful to add in place is a fat lot of good!....  the person looked well worn out.....  all too much....  what can one say.... how often do we think or feel that and move on?

GOD was good yesterday in mysteriousl ways.....   i took part in something.... my contribution wz weird and i was well .... and afterwards i approached one person to ask about something and they shocked me by being the one of few to have liked my contribution... a bit of me was thinking 'you must be joking!' but somehow and mysteriously they had....   liked it... the seeds are sown????!!!!  is what GOD had mysteriously seemed to say to me beforehand no afterward... and me i was bemused perplexed...  but GOD is GOD and me is me and GOD will use any sort of situation to GOOD USE even if we knows nothing about what is going on! it bemused me

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

bored and depressed....

the dark enclosure of solitude.. well solitude takes on the mantel of a dark enclosure is completely enhanced by the unexpected events of ... me i thought i would at least get on a moan today ... maybe later but for sure not now!... here i sit in the unexpected of persistent darkness.. it is true i am kindov looking at that and being reminded that GOD is not exactly exultant... my sleep patterns are well i am falling into a sleep pattern of ... well at least i wake up early ... but it is doing me no good whatsoever to rest and fall asleep and wake up and its morning... i can't blame anyone for this not even GOD who lets me slumber so...  it's been like this all year and it's doing my head in!  sometimes we just don't want to help GOD out!...   incandescent with rage and quiet assured in passive aggression... sure i pray to GOD but i sure as hell ain't ready to listen to anything... things beyond control even of GOD? no and that's the thing... sometimes GOD moves in ways that we just ain't ready for and that's the whole point... so we's will cry out to GOD ... from that perplexment... why? why can't we even say why? cos why is not the question asked somehow it's not relevant it's not the why the why is rejected even though why may just be what is ordered or needed!... or just said...  i've been looking at some music .. and it all keeps taking me back to that place...  it's a place i tacetly accept....  i cna't do anything about it... and yes Lord i is feeling scared and can't communicate....   i have been going through some of the angry emotions the emotions that just well i just let them go then ....   when they was roused... and now apparently they was stored so now i has them in a scenario they don't fit and is informing my decisions my responses and i is myself not communicating from that very place... i has nothing to say the path has been set and there was nothing i could say or do... but recall why it is that it is so.....  a recent situation set in stone in the past acting on emotions i did not have reason for cos the facts weren't what i thought they was and even if they were...... well actually if i had had the facts i would of... well i did not so i was not reading the facts as is and presuming to know so that not resolved i did not do what i would have if i had known... it's all very complex!... so why should i be behaving in this completely silly way....  it's me that's lost my way and i is somehow cowering on a boat in choppy waters... if ever there was a time to cry out to GOD it would be a sensible place right now ... but cowering and feeling monumentally hard done by even though i completely understand the logic of things... well i did this morning... and was relieved for that... it is true people's lives is different and single actions can have a multiplicity of consequences generate different courses of action and so on....  it's just disappointing what could i have done? i could have prayed harder i guess but for what GOD's WILL but is GOD not doing His Will?  i is not sure... and that's the problem... though surely GOD would do really GOOD and really NICE and all that and that surely is what has been happening?  i is not sure that's all... and the not sure is all the problem... cos GOD will do what GOD will do .. i mean like i say different lives has different courses and GOD knows exactly what GOD is doing and Blessing is in the midst so where i sees a sense of Blessing why should i complain? ... now how can i share that as a reason for......   'have i done something wrong?' says the other person ... i can't answer that... do you mean now or ever... i say nothing and shrug my shoulders....   'are you ok?' i shrug again... tjhen say 'i'm good' with no feeling or enthusiasm ... i both want this conversation and i don't ... i have nothing to say ... the other person says 'you're not are you' i shrug again and stare out into the knowingness the emptiness of GOD's Love...?  my attention purveys my surrounds faintly aware of the humans in this landscape...  ie i am here and you the other person is well gone but is there too...  i will have to cope.... i have nothing to say all i can do is stare out thinking about dynamics over time ...... i ask Jesus for help.... oh a question comes into mind.... so i ask it there is a half hearted response .. which sounds like good news and then i put it all into context and i feel well ....the nothingness of envy? the nothingness of nothingness the place of my head the place of my heart the fact that for all my observations of the lives of christians my own is not reaching that place... the Heart of Christ for this situation .. for my own situation....  it is a liberation from assault of sorts for this person to be leaving moving on ... and that falls crushingly awkwardly.. in truth it was not their plan A but plan As is not what any of us have the resources to capitalise.. that is GOD's country and so person went with plan B which well what is GOD's Cjhoice.... i feel sad about it.... person is well Blessed so Hallelujah!

and me well i will have to find new resources to cope... Jesus!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

oh yesterday... almost nonchallant.... in the end didn't have time for a personal chat here....  before off i went.... before that the day had been weird but also quite nice... but let's start with today.... emergency streetsuff they really are short handed and so i am up early cos i slept you guessed it soundly but badly with all lights blazing so i wake up early....   we aren't as it turns out so badly off numbers wise but everyone is in a state of ...  overtiredness or just weird stuff... mog is well gone with the fairies as far as i can tell.... human solutions to GOD's great plans... i listen but just do not want to know.. it's the mechanism of well GOD does this and the man knows best... i can see how with the leadership of the church such as it is very man centric and the man's ideas ideally the best ... that mog sees the spending of time in this way as well... seems everyone wants escaping... mog had discovered on the pavement a ticket one of those week valid tickets... he feels very Blessed which is fair enough... it is left to me to be occurred to that someone has bought and lost their ticket and that might be... i am so tired of this....

then......   i do remember that vision of Jesus looking out on the people the Fire of Love... completely non selective ... it a LIVING FIRE A LOVING LOVE... i have a few moments like that... they glimpse and vanish and i go back to sighing and feeling heavy weary with

i have an awful moment where i really am struggling well we all are after a fashion....  oh GOD!.. there's me thinking about how... we are presenting this view we are ourselves the Loved one's of GOd me i just don't feel loved to overflowing i feel a dreadful fraud well not fraud just that those things about feeling loved are just not shared with ourselves half the time the irrefutable proof that LOVE abounds! cos we is the living proof... what do i have to give... well actually that clearly is not the point though that is exactly what i get prayer for... cos i asked... well the point is about what GOD is doing ... GOD wants me to be there ... and that somehow cheers me sufficiently....  oh how vulnerable we can be minte to minute or at least i can be.. and how untrusting i am of the folks that are certain...  it's all mindset stuff isn't it... or could it be sometimes GOD... still the time is well spent at the end i give my grumble about church well heeled ....  it is a feeling of trap but what i found helped was the thought to pray for the Transformation of the church....  the total Transformation is what is needed... i nearly fell over with this ... i kept remembering Heidi Baker something she had said? i talk about though ...i've got to this point like the church well deep sigh theology of sermons theology of worship music... is under deep scruteny/... theology of relationships and all that.. and my theology is based on GOD IS GOD and we can hear what GOD says of GOD's self and i am a bit well stuck not ready to listen... and this year GOd has been dismantling the folks in my church ...
(i hear the words it's not my mission as i write and now i wonder what is?)

and we agree that it is disconcerting....

i'm remembering that someone was listening to this and it is for the sake of their rescue.. GOD doesn't need walls to rescue.. in any case for the sake of what does GOD DO ?... i mean GOD doesn't need a reputation based on human values ... GOD IS.. GOD HAPPENS!  and when GOD asks or whatever or we ask... is it that when we understand we must ask more? i honestly do not know....   but a theme is emerging ... yesterday:

i saw an article in a christian mag....  about Zac's place in swansea so i had to check out the website.... a place set up not to appease disgruntled chujrchgoers wanting to be centre of attention in their new milieau... oh no a church set up around folks who would not go to church and what i know about churches who could blemae them... gottago

[ecuworrier]

here i am.... with big irritable resigned sigh!... at the internet cafe i'd rather not be.... though there are much worse ones.... everything is stunningly slow... am listening to music that is in part aggravating my sense of disconnection the resignation...  sonny rollins playlist,,,,  will there be the one that i want on that?

well how are things going really?.... the imminent move of GOD with one of my relied upon and actually quite reliable fellowship about to ... well whatever happens next... leaving what feels like a tricky situation behind....  i just passed the trickyness was thankful of my shades that i didn't have to show acknowledgement  ... well that's the spiel isn't it whereas in reality we the people of Christ the King do not have to acknowledge the goodly folks around us...  what is it about that face off of expressionlessness .... just thinking about it it is the symptom we are to pray about.... rather than feel personally affronted that the Joys of the Lord expressed in one person is well absent ... without leave? no well the church gives plenty of permission to do that sort of thing.... christian from small church better acknowledge even at arms length ... the number of folks who are in perpetual struggle that i know who i see about round and about.....   what is authentic christianity to do with the church? well valid question.... but actually authentic chr istianity is just about what we ourselves do ... which is a bit limiting .....  if we are looking for something really group orientated... do we really like the taosists and many other religions look and wait for our guides and gurus to turn up.... or be heard about so we know where we need to go...

so i was kindov intrigued yesterday to try and get a feel of Zac's place on line.... such language of inclusivity as the tribal gatherings .... claiming a space for those of like identity... blood brothers... a meeting where those who feel they don't want to go to something called church but want to chat abo9ut GOD thje bible have their walk of faith and healing and rescue actualised ....  i was pondering these themes earlier after feeling so crap about the street stuff.....  folks want to be cleansed have that new start ... all thje crime and punishment stuff that humans dish out just doesn't cut it ... i was thinking that ... what if they the people who quite sensibly are sidestepping a chuirch that is thinking head on head down.... what if well all that has to happen is and all that capture prayer evangelism.... that why do they turn thier heads aside... worry about the things they are out of control with ... and we the great clean but unwashed standing before them straddling the great heights of: the problem is ....youuuu!!!!! when the problem is weeeee!!!!   or come on get real the problem is meeee.....  cos and simply this where is my attention laboured?....  the church makes me feel weary... it's kindov interesting as i'm writin on this....  thinking hey you know how weary the pastor of the chruch i go to ios ? well that's the weariness i feel.......  is it all mine? hmm what if it's something i picked up being in close proximity to..... spiritual weariness... all the effort going into.... weariness....

any difference to Zac's place... well i didn't warm to the guy who is centrepiece...everything i was hearing or reading abo9ut was kindov being about his view of project his analysis... please don't think that i thought this worthless no on the contrary it has itsd place for sure! but i have to admit me i was personally wanting to  find that miracle cure .. a place that .....   a place fit for the Gospel... but the reality of course is GOD only has me and you to work with and what with our theology and theosophy of indigence well we is well and trooly what GOD has to work wiht....   and GOD still loves us... but can we see that?  the day was curious i had asked if i could help with something then was told what i could do didn't understand tried to find out and got told that it was easier for said person to do stuff themselves than deal with my not understanding.... hmmm the theme continues... at the same time .....   well i me heard about a gig which meant i had to travel so off i set... found myself in the same place i got last last time i was there and indeed!... that's what happened... but it was curious it was one of those places that is bigger than you think it is while being smaller than you think it is and somehow after the area io live in completely beautiful! the smell of the air everything it's quite bizarre... you goi through the atob motions of travel and then suddnely quite suddently the world changes it's like one of those children's books....   alice throught the looking glass....  anyways the gig was great and there i was about to return home in good time when... my eye caught some merchandise....   someone i had not heard of .... alternative music and the word Grace floated......  Christian at large alert!... cool ! surprise.... Jesus!?

what am i doing ? that is the big question ok this weariness is it a feature of in the wrong place in the wrong time of is it just a question of GOD... earlier someone gave me an image i loved but there was a problem and that problem... i was too weary to deal with GOD WHO IS WONDERFUL and so good at these things... i'm experiencing an awful lot of deja vue at the moment..  back to those places .... i don't understand.... i don't understand what is happening i don't understand why things are this way or that......   i just feel weary wan hopeless and fed up the sighs do they do anything but signal desire not to be in this heartache place of nothing to look forward to? nothing to look back to?  oh LORD? and so it insists it goes on...

circles of the heart's desires to have answers to anything! things .. i think i know what i have to do on the small side of things

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

hmmm..... been tryin to get to this since Sunday now can you believe it!....

so let's try this in bits ok.... saturday night i heard this anecdote.....  i was having a much needed fellowsjhiop chat with my sadly departing fellowhip friend who is intending to stay in touch....  it was quite human...

they've had some shifts of fellowship of their own.... one being a pastor and wife who .....  well i like this story:

 hmmmm we were talking about judgement

a distant community seem to have been headhunting this pastor... it does happen! ....  so he and his wife prayed about that .... at first there was absolutely no response... then after a while ....  GOD said 'not yet' ... those words suggested that change was imminent at some point..... ok then comes the time where the time is right.... ok soooo....

 the new pastor arrives... dunno where they got that one from.....   so someone goes along to check out the new pastor...: they describe how they wanted to leave but they were sat wedged between two women ...

the new pastor proceeds to slag off the recently departed pastor.....  and makes the dramatic statement: this church is not growing because there is sin in this church!'....  it surely is pretty dramatic given what little i know of this church being a pretty bogstandard biblical way of life church .... with the usual fear clean appearance complete with lack of smiles .... anyhow... this statement gets reported to the departed pastor.....  who turns white.... and then said 'he (the new pastor) will reap what he sows'..... 

do you know for some reason i didn't quite like that response.... (nothing had been mentioned of the slagging off of the departing pastor btw....)

as i was saying we were talking about judgement...  seems we is all a bit vulnerable to that!

how difficult is it to spot sin?  how do we know if we find it 

i am quite interested in the subject of stains and uncomfortable truths waiting for a bit of wash a few soap suds and all that....


haha did i put that view of the stains as the main focal point?.... when it is the after effect .... we should all be looking at looking for? of soap that is
GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

continuing ....  i kindov feel well clutching back at straws though at the time.... went to church in reasonable time....   the theme of forgiveness... hey i actually felt drawn in to listen to a bit of the sermon having already walked out in boredom at the preamble....  i have now found an ideal spot so long as it is only me who has found it... the message of forgiveness came up ....  the thing in the way??? the single obstacle to our relationship???  hey all you can do is investigate this.... half the time it certainly is true we is miles distant from being forgiven ...it came up from an anecdote from a churchleader who had someone phone them up and ... (seems like the speaker did have to physically find stuff from far away... and on the paths of far away journeys hey i is not complaining!)... but hey i wasn't complaining with this one... it felt relevant for me the kindov theme of recent times....  ok the churchleader on the phone was insistent that the person on the phone needed to forgive there was nothing else that the chruchleader had to say (apparently this had been said before?)  and slammed down the phone...FULLSTOP!! don't try this at home unless you are led by the Spirit methinks!... anyhow ..

forgiveness is very important we forgive those who do not deserve forgiveness.... (as previously above) and we forgive without judgement.... that sounds cool to me! ... something was bothering me though... seems some things have changed not necessarily for the worse but.....

a most peculiar moment........  happened at the end of church i had slipped outside.... and when i returned there was a Ministry call and some kind of call for Annointing or whatever... i had missed what it was .... only a couple of folks had their hands raised.. me i felt my hand go up.... the speaker looked from one side of the room to the other where i was ... i saw the reaction as my lone hand was visible and he looked away to the others again... what was it they had asked


well.... it was about leadership.....   i was certainly more than a bit astonished

gottago
i do feel challenged......   i was all set that evening to make my way to a church i'd have to travel to ... i was feeling that there was something that GOD needed to do out of this smokeandmirrors arena of my church.....    where i was feeling a foreigner and did not want to be a part of and was truely struggling about where GOD was and the big question how was i to be with GOD....   as it happened ideally i should have set out earlier

[ecuworrier]

 do feel challenged......   i was all set that evening to make my way to a church i'd have to travel to ... i was feeling that there was something that GOD needed to do out of this smokeandmirrors arena of my church.....    where i was feeling a foreigner and did not want to be a part of and was truely struggling about where GOD was and the big question how was i to be with GOD....   as it happened ideally i should have set out earlier

oh dear!!!!!!  this is the third attempt this evening to continue the story!

i am feeling very fed up with IT cafes right now though it is GOD what's in charge.....   but still this time round i have struggled to enjoy the experience as much as in previous years...

ok where was i ... ah yes being late for a service that i was travelling to....  ok ... travel was more complex than anticipated meaning i was rahter late .....    but as i sat on public transport with indeterminate journey still to make... and glanced at someone's watch though i felt flustered.... the time i had set out was perfect for: bumping into someone again.... GOD APPOINTMENT OR WHAT! it felt too mcuh to be a coincidence! it was the first time i had seen them since last GOD APPOINTMENT and invite to church so all i could do was reiterate the point... the journey was uneventful but for time pressure and endless reroutings....

so i arrived but fluster turned to excitement and i was grinning from ear to ear as i approavched the building .. i could heaR THE NOISE INSIDE!!!! and rushed in... i have been to tyhis place before.. and stood at the door a little confused cos this door opened to the front of the gathering where a mighty hullabaloo of singing dancing and screams and wails and who knows what else! i just stood there grinning.... the words being sung were abvout rain and it was raining that day for sure! the pastor of the church turned around and caught my eye... there3 was me smiling and he turned around and was smiling caught my eye and quickly looked to the front he was not that pleased to see me it seemed.... sigh theme of t6he day!....

i migrated to my rightfulo place at the back of the room and was amaxzed it was more packed than previously andeveryone was somehow touched by GOD....   i felt thirsty to be amazed! ......   got tea and joined in .... shortly afterwards....  they broke for communion but communion was as they said the Holy Spirit had intended and in fact emphasised a double portion of message!....  they had apparently done this before... and i am intrigued by this especially as i have recently myself hasd conversations on tyhe topic of the Healing within Communion....   there was little ceremony other than that they wanted to do communion so that only those who were physically poorly were to do communion everyone else to stand aside....  i liked this and was wondering whether i could do this by proxy we can always think of someone who needs Healing then i thought of some phyusical stuff of my own that needs GOD dealing  with  so i joined the queue which was substantial actually i think the majority of folks in the place went up ..... this is not surprise really and i was glad that folks were offereing themselves.... apparently last time they did this a number of folks were all laid out on the floor...  certainly this time some folks fell over and a few folks stayed down.... in the queue someone came to pray for me... tjhen communion i felt swomerthing..... for sure and though i felt a little disappointed that i did not fall over ..maybe really i didn't want to.... but i wanted to stay at the front and sat with some folks that were looking on.... end of communion i didn't want to move though everyone else had left ... i asked GOD and felt GOD wanted me to move .. i walked past the person who had prayed thjey put theri hand on my shoulder  which surprised me a little.....    went to the back ..... they were doing the collection tyhey have a unique way of doing this but they asked that we all give ourselves to GOD about what GOD whnated... i was no different.... and felt so sure of what GOD wanted so quickly that i was actually the first to give....   without hesitation.... and quick back to the back....   i did reflect on this though ......   i know money can be quite an issue and for all the talks on tithing and all the things that we undertake... when the **** hits the fan we can well when we start to be suspicious of what we are giving towards then we do ask questions of conscience of ourselves.....   being a visitor i had no hestitation to do what GOD wanted... i don't get to see behind the scenes here.....

i had not missed the talk i had come to have my ear bent to as it happened.....    time is running out here soooo  let's start with the point that i went out for a fag ... am gonna come back to the rest..... i did want a fag it is true... well i could have managed if the white middleclass male hadn't pondered on too much or what was it about... i went outside and expected to see someone or something....   outside... i stood and looked nothing.... but i heard birdsong blackbirds call and response it really touched deep in my psyche and i was thinking hey it's only the boy blackbirds that..... but i think GOD was trying to say something else....

gottago now

[ecuworrier]

ok today or back to Sunday....  i want to get today out of first... tjhere... back to normal in church.... and what happens... well there is quite a lot of stuff going on that is preoccupying folks... it's nice to see folks who's been away but ....  after lunch am asked how i am.... pretty close to a no comment! is my reply... what .... well the conversation takes some interesting turns....

1) now it has been said that there have been complaints about some of the prayers i have said... well there's no surprise from me there!.... i say loadsa prayers ... i am not told who that is cos of confidentiality.... er right thinks i.... the topic is about .... someone who was a guest of someone important in the church ... i felt GOD move me to pray for them .. i hadn't seen them before and at that point i just stood close by why cos they were preoccupied and i did not want to disturb them.... so i just raised my hand towards them .... just allowing the Holy Spirit to do whatever... my mind was completely blank and confident that GOD KNOWS BEST... there was someone else close by who i felt needed prayer so without moving i put my other hand over them.... they felt the Holy spirit and at some point thanked me.... by this time i have got told off by an important person in the church.... i give it to GOD and hold my ground... by this time or some time the first person has opened their eyes  and i nudge in gently with conversation... me sitting next to them draws one person from the church to their other side who kind of waltzes in out of touch out of time.... the first person is new to many things... i discover and it's their first time in church.... the added person goes unable to have a conversation and then another added person arrives similarly struggles to chat.... i just go with the Holy Spirit... gently and leave.... ok the bit that i missed was..... that when i had my hands over/towards  the two my attention was distracted so i missed that the first person had opened eyes and was looking up at the outstretched hand....   and this was observed by the person who was now telling me off with tjhe benefit of the older incidents.....  hmmm i wasn't happy  for some reason.... ok so what had the person actually said anything had the important person talked to the person .....  NO...   i was not happy cos here i was being told to put some boundaries.... and i was tyhinking hey i may not get everything spot on but i am led by GOD that is my aim that's who i ask who i should pray for.....  so for me there is a VERY IMPORTANT BIT MISSING HERE!.... 

i'll just finish this bit off....  i get told that if i was performing miracles then it wouldn't matter everyone would be queing up to pray....

there was something disquieting about this....  i was being put down .. it was ok to see me as an inferior person.... for me to be seen as an inferior person....  hmmmm

2) an important person tells me that they create an illusion of safety to give peopole the impression it is safe to go to theri church to meet GOD... i am shocked by this admission.... i have to say though that this is exactly what has been said of that church by folks fielding some casualties.....  i am shocked that smoke and mirrors is ok.... MORE i am shocked that GOD is seen as an unsafe option.... meaning what exactly...? well i am clear about one thing GOD is the safest place on earth... 

what staggers me is that important people in that church cannot seem to understand these things.... we have been comparing notes about GOD throwing fellowship and sense of safety and community into turmoil.... but me you know what i trust that GOD KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT GOD IS DOING ... GOD wants to be number one in your life says i with a BIG BOLT OF HOLY SPIRIT...

i am feeling a little alien in a culture of illusion and not giving GOD's LOVE RESPONSE to situations that are complex.....  OH LORD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

gottago GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

ok working backwards again..

another conversation with person from yesterday... very different feel....  so a detente i guess....

curious day though... one of many private whisperings... does one feel left out? well actually one feels ... there was a moment ... i was sitting there and thinking to myself....   hey....  i feeel like....  recently someone was telling about a someone who had severe disabilities... and how i guess there was both a focus on what that individual could do as well as a complete capitulation of any sort of response to enable them to achieve their full potential.... i thought about how it seemed that the folks nearest all able were happy if that individual was doing distracting behaviour... i guess i felt that is how the folks around me viewed me so there was i guess a sort of justification in attitude.. you see if you see folks for what you personally see never mind about what GOD sees and never mind what the reality of their intention is or the reality of their human potential then well you place the onus on them to do the miracles the surprises... however and i thought about that ... what was happening and i witnessed it from someone else yesterday... they were excitedly telling what GOD had done in some small group and i could feel the Holy Spirit flooding off of them the important persons sat completely nonplussed!... so you see were i am getting with....  well on the one hand anyways.... i do sense that all is not well with the important persons... though i am not privvy... someone has sent me an email re street stuff... and my encounters with the training came all flooding back.... oh how far does one have to reach outside of ....

last night i was having conversations with GOD i was actually picking up some words encouraging and feeling hey you know what this is conversation it was exciting breathtaking felt safe warm beautiful and well everything... the reading GOD gave me was one of those pissed off with folks....  and i felt GOD was in control..... and like GOD KNOWS well everything... i had amazing experience of like going back to last year like being in the place at least back in the Spirit.. and just wondering about the thristy wilderness of the year.. the struggles the sense of confusion.. just to feel alive once more just well brings all that stuff out of view....  my former fellowship person is on cloud nine no longer to be in the situation that brought us together....   it makes me feel a little peculiar it has to be said... it makes me challenge well what constitutes GOD's Blessing? the small but important things of life the freedom to feel in control of those?  it makes me think.... 'BE GREEDY' i laugh as i pass someone reading something that has this title....  i do suspect that and i am not alone in this ... that perspectives of Blessing we give to GOD are a bit small minded and small hearted at times and a bit of out of context.... i reiterate earlier that Jesus Ministry is situation perfect... and i believe that that means we do not always know what GOD is up to next expecially when we seek to understand... or to presume in advance what we expect GOD to do... that is not what #Jesus' Ministry seems to offer at least not from what i read... it does however presuppose an active hour by hour minute by minute engagement... and from the human bit of Born Again we don't half move arund and mutter and clutch to ourselves what we understand... jwe just aint trained for this kind of life... whereas the church does substantial training for organised force...  and we can't expect ourselves or others to get it.... earlier we talked about the unexpected/scarey nature of being in a Holy Spirit situation for the first time.... i said it was a legitimate question to ask .. now is this really GOD... or somethingelse... and who on earth do we ask... the folks in the culture is always gonna say it is GOD and the folks outside the culture is always gonna be a bit mixed....   i've read enough books (not many but enough to elucidate this point) that you then research on the internet and find folks with their criticisms....  theri anxieties theri fears their objections their rationalisations that what individuals or churches set up to declare to say is one thing they can offer lengthy bible based and argued from perspectives that it is not ... the4y can offer alternative explanations..... and you know what .. you can see where they is coming from and also to some extent where the others are c oming from... it goes round in circles ... and you know what it feels the last to get a lookin is GOD .... the one place where the scope the Power the Love the Truth resides with.... and it is in the one to one of GOD and ourselves that we see tht we have the place to see..... we still have to decide for ourselves if what we see or experience is real.... it is interesting that Paul in his Corinthians letter talks about the jews  want to see miracles as proof.... and that is with even with a multitude of miracles still folks sceptic....   ah yes i am coming back to Sunday evening now thankfully!  it is this thing about Moses the guy who GOD sent into the wilderness for 40 years while GOD prepared the ground...  the guy talkin was really into this phenomenon of GOD and miracles and then there was Jesus doin some even more spectacular stuff?.... there was something about the law i mena in a legalistic framework that gets oh so sidelined unless you fancy yourself as a bit of a legal ealge that is ... i mean anyone could have given a talk on laws of GOD and there is Jesus almost raging for boredom... well? doin miracles... you'd expect the son of GOD to b e a mighty fine lawyer listening to the sermons set... tjhe meaning the understanding like some amazing specualation about well of course... siome mediaval discovery!  now that sounds cool! if you've ever listened to someone who really has the hots for this sort of thing.....       but GOD well GOD DOES MIRACLES TOO.... an aftereffect dependent on someone being despondent about all those boring legalisms?.....    NO folks taking matters into theri own hands... well in a religious sense saying hey you know what! i don't think much of that!  john the baptist i mean how weird is that ... you grow up in this really nice family and a pious one at that and then what does the only son do and the one they have been waiting and never thought they would see... he goes and runs off into the wilderness and runs around in loincloth and sandals lets his hair grow and upsets everybody!... being moved by the Spirit is a prerequistie to something of GOD happening... being up for it is quite another feature..... so when heirarchies be dammned on Sunday evening come and let me give you your ministry when finally you get a church that's gonna actually say that to you no questions asked... you came a long way to get to hear that and want to snap that arm off...   listen what is it that GOD is giving you?....  so i get a role   a word affirmed by some Ministry the folks GOD sends down around to Minister... i tell you i had a personal prayer warrior that night ... i could not believe it!.... someone prayed three times for me.... what someone seeing something?..... i too had a fixation with someone.... and in the end ....  ok have to deliver whatever it is.... ok so here goes... we is chatting about where i have travelled from ... the person knows the place and was there yesterday ...! says it's pretty Spiritually impoverished ... well that's the words i put to that view.. i say well i blame the churches from all being fixated with the same ovbsessions that's all keeping everyone else out in a persistently big way.....  what about me... well i said and i left on this..... alone? the person agreed it was better tyo do things in groups... i tells that GOD said when i askled that He had no-one to give me for the role of brethren it was some time ago ... it reminded me.... etcetc gottago


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,   


 i see that Todd Bentley is back in some form and will be in the UK later this year.....

[ecuworrier]

momentum of change momentum of Grace... and the angry bit at the bottom of the pit....  would you complain?

it's them it's them it's them it's all the other one!

well that's how's i have been complaining about..

i feel unsettled ... i don't see that i am uncommitted but by my thoughts and howling i am... i want to be uncommitted to the church but committed to GOD's LOVE and it is not working.... GOD is committed beyond the church yes! but that doesn't mean that GOD is uncommitted to His church... why is it then that i find the person who walks past the christian at times more pallatable honest than the christian his/herself that is a possiblility and as i think these words i know it is not true ... you see i shoudl have more in common with the christian but instead i find that i am siding with the angry / non interested/ i am very fine just as i am etc person and everything else the person might be... a spiteful position to be in dishonest only in so far as it is about not listening to GOD denying GOD's solutions to mindset control ... all the stuff the platitudes and words of ... well worry anxiety belief  of certainty uncertainty.. all the words of 'help now what am i supposed to do?' the query of every christianwho just does well know they have reached that point of foreverness but just haven't a clue how to proceed so they put their faith in church... the body, the institution of GOD...  the reality of a life of faith... based pretty much on what has gone before well actually.. i mean .. before we took those steps we sat looking on and there was a holiness about the place and the christian was pretty much invisible but to occasionally present themselves as .... proudly they were christians... associated with.. a faith walk....  mysterious full of complexity some things breathtaking and some things pretty flat really.... with just about every other prejudice that we could think of to have and more beside.... still we were intrigued and wanted to know more....  actually what we wanted was the water itself......   christians were people we could talk to who were proud about their faith,,, but who actually well.....  apart from the occasional stances... that they set themselves....   well what who was Jesus?    a man to chat to occasionally ocassionally sympathetic in places others wouldn't go occasionally the last person to be sympathetic where you might expect them?   but who is Jesus... do we not feel as bewildered by all this as we feel glad to be? surely this cannot be alone about a feeling of assurance we will get to Heaven......  Love the Lord your GOD .... and the other is like it love your neighbour as yourself!  we get the last bit both right and wrong all the time... but what about the first bit.. why is the standard for loveing GOD restricted to the limits we set...? is it or is it well why is it that some folks get handpicked for journeys and others well have to struggle like they are not meant to be there in the first place?  is that true though... the reality of view and perception and the reality of being the real being of GOD is well.... in different places... so why do we then rely on the view we get from those around us as the standard to live by or the reaction to those around us sufficient standard to live or not to live by... it's all irrelevant.... and that's where my sticking place is.....  it's all irrelevant but it is my all consuming attention.. well not totally consuming.... but that's where my efforts seem to be lodged!  i was reminded earlier of the snake in the church lecture Heidi Baker gave last year... that i heard...  it was really interesting ....  cos at the time i heard this with some folks i knew and i was feelin that this is exactly what was supposed to happen... tjhey they they needed to hear this!...  oh yes they did!... and i felt a little deflated personally ... we don't get this! why does GOD put so many obstacles in our paths... ? they are the people in the church who are such hard work and we despair of we despise them revile them and feel depressed and please don't let me sit next to them... but they are a Ministry opportunity but to Heaven's match GOD wants to love them like GOD wants to love you... and half the time neither of them are actually paying the blindest bit of attention to where GOD wants to get to... it's all their fault it always is and we simply cannot live theri lives for them and they cannot live our lives for us ... stalemate..of my vision is better than yours.. but what of GOD's VISION....  mindset control... a mind given to Christ a heart made in Heaven A new life that is for living.. can we do better than what has gone before ... we should do.. if the words of the Bible are to be believed at least as far as we can look to GOD TO DO! TO ASK TO DO!

what about you what about you ... what about me what about me when GOD is saying with exasperation? no, infinite time GOD HAS ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD patience... ME ME ME

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

[ecuworrier]

... earlier .... sitting reading the paper earlier kindov gladly wandering into the Bible NIV (yes i know this is not what GOD ordered.... and this is all the point really of an earlier moment.... i'm wandering along... i feel GOD does not want me to stop... so bemused i continue you know what i did not know i was going to stop... you can stop here... ok so i stop...... bemused ....  well one of the things that occurs to me is that me my head does not seriously it does not want me to stay stopped but the rest of my body is stopped....  is this of any impojrtance... well yes it feels that's exactly what it is!  i have been with my head doinjg stuff of it's own accord... i reflect on stuff like hey who was it who now does not go to housegroup ... hey my head sez and so on..... i....   have....    been....     doing....     rather a lot of that of late... as in of weeks months....   hmmm yes i feels spojken to.... something about once that realisation has happened .....  mm ok.... i goes through the day in a different feel altogether like that of ... dunno peace like something makes sense... suddenly like all the reasons of disatisfaction?... well something like that....  i has been complaining about the stuff that's bothered me and it isn't quite the correct focus....  i have to say i almost deaspair at the point at which i in effect jhave stormed out of housegroup... or pissed off with church or all that.... where is my relationship with GOD in this where is GOD leading in this...  pondering this over reading the Bible beautiful positive stuff in the psalms GOD manages to Guide me through a sequence....  the odd and amazing thing and i do notice this i actually feel that i am like from a foreign land i am a visitor here.... a stranger... there is something both weird and wonderful about this wonderful cos .. well i reflect on this a bit later on.... it reminds me of... when i was Baptised actually

which is pretty cool....  it feels weird cos this is unexpected....

i will say this though... thoughj it would be cool if folks is prayin for me ... i mean here on the ground that's cool but hey if all they has in mind is obedience a misfit meek generation... read the Rosanne Barr peice on fame.... if it's about GOD as Sovereign....  wgere does this go from here

i've still got a chunk of backlog to do... and tomorrow what is it going to bring  dunno


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

GLORY

[ecuworrier]

[ecuworrier]

hhmmk well!....   the birdsong outside the church far away....   well when i returned into the building i had that urge to ... i found a way in that was a room and it opened onto the main room where everyone and the speaker was....  and to my amazement and delight the room was empty not only that but there was a chair there from which if you sat in it there was a really good view of the speaker and mininmal view of the rest of the folks there! bliss!  ok one or two folks did come through and even linger but this was bliss.......    so i sat as if in another world not part of those i was not sure i could be part of never mind about what they thought after all churches are built on a foundation of growing people like us ie people who can swallow being a part of all this regardless of conscience or consciousness....  there was however another door to this room .... and as the sun sank its gaze from the world and the outside looked well black!... and amazing moment shook my attention away.....   the door was not closed and looking out from the light of civillisation into the apparent darkness of real life....  that bird again (not necessarily the identical individual beast i had already heard two) it's songfire caught in a nook of the outside world blazing into my world i could do nothing but turn my head and look and see with my ears something louder more meaningful distracting and somehow i was glad for this!.... it lasted all of less than a minute loud and resonant....  i looked long enough to know that this interruption ... outside earlier the moment of listening worship ... was i led or was i pushed or what......??? it was not the first birdsong but the other.... and then the other? or the first?....    it meant something somehow ... you know when folks speak in tongues and it goes right through you and you just know ... something your spirit moves is moved and you know something is for real in that...  that's the sermon that speaks to me to me for real like it really means me it has me personally in mind... but the one thing it links with .... is well .... ok

so .... yesterday... i was wrestling with ... should i go back to that church or go to a music gig in a church i had heard about oonly the day before....   at an event that a charismatic christian from the another church was at ....  ie from a church that like my own my default setting would be 'persona non grata'... unless i changed my story of course to fit .... the default setting of the church itself....

i wander in almost deliberately late have i missed everything?.... well not quite some heavy weather ensures i am not in a hurry to move off and i am there till the end being entertained with a number of people doing theri stuff and it was very interesting.... it was very interesting to be in a church with pictures on the wall statues everywhere .. to be in a church that i had never been to before listening to music....  asking Jesus...: who says 'i like this music'......   there's a very different feel to this church it's very familiar and foreignly so in many ways.....   i like that not only are the doors flung open but yes eeveryone can just wander in and out and it is pleasing to everyone so... ok there are no dramatic off putting incidents.....   i find a sheet order of the day for pentecost sunday and i feel a real Blush a Buzz of reading through the orders of service  even reading the hymns hey they actually address GOD allbeit Thee!

only a few minutes here now... so here goes listeing to Jeuss Culture 'oh How He Loves us'

now.... finding what felt like sanctuary at a foreign church ....   no it wasn't just the weather that was keeping me there.... reading the notice boards... i discover some forthcoming event advertised it reminds me of.....  someone who used to come here to this church.... long time ago... and stories about homosexuality and how it panned out in this setting... and how they felt about that all... not being of a homophobic disposition themselves....   at the time i had not thought or felt inspired to come here... and here i was many years later standing here.... and feeling a sort of sanctuary though if i am honest there is no way that i feel i can draw any conclusions... the stories of gay christians over the years has been a tragicomic affair at times...  gays living the lifestyle christian and home life or leisure life....  there would be many who might have suggested a church such as this ..... but for yesterday i felt like GOD was giving me sanctuary... it gave me a sense of peace and thinking about that i feel quite emotional......   there is something about how a church should feel should be... full of all sorts of people not one despised .. at least superficially evidenced... anyhow they do shut the doors..... and off i go .......   detour a pub playing some live music just to well... have a beer?.....   i have no idea what time it is... i have had two 'words' appearing reappearing : 'Follow me' and 'I want you to commit to me'......  i keep coming back to the same place which is last year.... earlier last week i had some fellowship which turned into a full 5 hours of company worship and prayer it was lovely AND it was challenging.....  at one point i was chatting about Heidi Baker anecdoting the way everything seemed to point to her when....  what was GOD pointing to?....  reminder was....  for that time GOD laid me down .... there were two bits i remember of this and a third which all comes back to the first......   

i try to follow Jesus self conscious that i am doing a totally crap job other than to moan mightily... i pass a church and am drawn in by the music....   i've been here before but not for a while.... inside i get a huge hug welvcome from someone i have had about two converssations with!!... i'm a little bemused... inside i spot more fellowship i discover i am about to lose!....  and .....
gottagoagin a discussion

[ecuworrier]

spent an hour yesterday doing a post what felt like a pretty good finale to this year.... only silly me... logged for an hour and press post... gone!.. i laughed cos... GOD had said: it's not what you're expecting.... as i turned the corner to approach the IT cafe i wasn't quite sure what GOD meant but as i was writing the person next to be was huffing puffing and blowing quite a lot... i'm sure that GOD wins in this situation so far from being bemused i felt quite happy and serene as i made my way homewards...  it had been as evenings go pretty cool.. 

earlier i had been to a prayer meeting with some misgivings i arrived late and walked into the corridor expecting to hear worship but it was silent......   i went to the loo and as i joined the group we struck up worship which was kindov awesome the Holy Spirit was there and my hands went numb ... the prayer meeting was really cool too.... someone wanted a small lamp turned on ... unfortunately it didn't have a bulb... i scrabbled around for candles then was told by someone else not to bother... it had seemed important i shrugged....  i will be Your Light 'tell them?... i shared that Jesus had said that Jesus woudl be their light... but it was only afterwards that i felt to remember i hadn't delivered the words verbatim..... another learning of the exact science.... Jesus is GOOD oh so GOOD!  didn't even mind tensions and stuff... though managed to get through to another falling out with an important person.... oh if they would only talk to Jesus first rather than rely on human solutions to conversation! i finished with a mighty prayer to GOD ... we had had the single people needing partners.... don't get me wrong here... why should i object iof that's on the heart of the understnading of the matter for others... i just think that folks can hold onto being disappointed with GOD for the lack of instant solutions on the one hand... ignoring the places that needs some attention or Healing... so my mighty prayer was for those who and i decided to pray for those i didn't care who they were those who wanted Jesus as the single important relationship the Way the Truth and the Life... that GOD develop them... one important person shouted out AMEN the others well who knows...

it was a moment of many there were others that feeled like they were taking the establishment by storm that GOD RULES... that folks matters in the complexity of theri lives...  you are not alone!

Jesus Rules yesterday i wrote of the pentecost sunday .... the peculiarities of that evening where i ended up in a church being welcomed by GOD finding that i was not the only if you like refugee or even folks i know who haven't been here before... it was beauty to behold... the intricacies of hope the intriciacies of despair from churches where the feeding mountain had been denied no i was not alone.. it was tragic.... at the same time as i was glad to be there a church celebrating pentecost... yes i was wondering about that the whole thing of the celebration of an event ... 2000 years ago.... what was thirsted for expected for by a whole community of chuirch going christians ..... what was i expecting needing.... the worship was cool the Holy Spirit was there... i was watching the faces of the worship team and the church speaker from afar.... what was this all about?... earlier that day i had spotted the words they were waiting (as Jesus had told them).... did they know what to expect... was it only that when the splitting of the tongues of fire the sound of rushing winds ... the babbling the talking in tongues.... the drunkenness... i had myself felt momentarily drunk three times on Sunday.... in chjurch all three churches? maybe... the place of waiting does it matter?  the waiting that matters... how we wait.... you know that waiting feeling by the bus stop you go and wonder through the shop windows stare at the passers by keep to your thoughts fiddle with mobile phones.... anxiety look up at the stars the sky huff and puff and so on... or if you are waiting for someone to call at home .... relax watch telly ? do housework , what do you do... do you keep busy Jesus is coming do you outstretch with your arms do you wait .. one day GOD will come... do you hold GIOD ransom... GOD can't come cos of... this or that... guilt something someone else said something nobodya wants to thikj about... how many years does it take while others are..... looking elsewhere.... do you carry on with life do you just switch on to that look up and wait let everyone anyone noone know that you is waiting get prayed for?... do you ask do you ask for others do you ask for yourself ?.... i began this part of the blog with a narcissistic posture.... and here i am.... on Sunday evening i prayed for someone who believes who has a condition they have been prayed for many times ... GOD said help that person to receive... i did not know w3hat to do.... GOD said of one situation  i want you to Heal them another situation: i wanted you to JHeal them as the moment had passed... help LORD fill the gap! i love this and am i any further than from being frightened... gradually that fear is insignificant....

i guess today would be a pretty good day to end things.. it's been the endpoint of another activity... where GOD again is full of surprises... i have been well taken aback ... the laast coupla months or so have been pretty fedupedness i struggled the whole time and it well was a disaster! and here.....  the feedbackj... it was nice we were doing a group feedback.... when it came to my turn it all well....  came out all unexpected... seems we all has a learning.... stuff i had undertaken  that had felt a battlefield was suddenly praised for the way that i had taken stuff on.... it was said that i needed to undertake other things too....   but remarkable was i was getting told what i needed to hear that my ethos for the stuff was understood.. what i did not expect to happen or be said... and it was acceptable so!.... it was a relaly odd day for the peculiarity of being amidst folks who were in pain or had suffered quite a debilitating illness like it was an epidemic...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB1Lr6HBbu0&feature=related...


it's been the toughest of the years of blog soooo... if you have prayed for me i kiss your hand and say thankyou whoever you are... i appreciate it and i pray for you everything .... you have come this far in Faith to pray for misfit renegade... so you must be pretty special to GOD's Eyes....  i pray for

and i want you to reflect on THE WORD MADE FLESH who dwelt among us GOD's WORD havaa all that GOD is Becoming ... coming into real time reality.... He's called JESUS the LORD THAT SAVES...
how near how far ...  JESUS LOVES YOU... any time you need Him to and more besides oh yes i pray for you


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,