going back to the anglican Healing Service...

i went cos i had heard about it and i knew one of the folks organising they had asked if folks had wanted to be part of the Ministry team but me hey they wanted that the team members had prayed and fasted before hand ... i wasn't sure if i was fasting or not when i had not eaten at about 4pm with a bit more time to go....  i asked GOD .. at first it seemed like i was not eating even touching food was well weird but something was botheing me eventually i pray hard GOD what do you want and i find myself tucking into some grub sorted i am not meant to be part of the Ministry team.....   anyhows though i could of arrived in good enough time to be a part i dawdle then am late of course!.... so i slink in at the back....   why am i here ? in my mind i am looking to learn... but on arrival i look at the backs of folks hear the person at the front and find an even further back seat! i cannot deal with stuff somehow... the orderliness of everything.. the neat rows of chairs ... somehow after the encounter on the street with a distressed and disturbed person screeching about the rubbish on the street and ferrying back and forth to pick stuff up throw it in people's yards etc....  it was quite shocking cos it did not seem to have an ending... though familiar with the areas i had never seen this here or anywhere else!... i didn't have the courage to ask them to come in ... i hoped they would... i didn't especially want to end up in some completely out of control situation with this strange person this stranger... and yet inside the church .. well i confess i had already forgotten the person but something of the tidyness within .. it would not have been appropriate... to the tidyness within... there was a guest and the Holy Spirit was about i think we all felt that even me at the back...  i despair right now at the reminiscence ... but the truth is that the character of the whole service was not really for the loose behaviour of a person out of control... so who was it for? me?....  i just couldn't get into the old hymns... how far i have come in such a short time that i have an allergy to the old familiar hymns ... i could not sing that stuff...

i have i declared recently to my pastor and a third person that i have an allergy to religious folk (pastor had just done one of pastor's hip comments about religious folks)  but added ... to include religious talk....  it has me well kindof screamin and turnin off .. a bit like the person and the rubbish in the street....  though the turnin off comes quick enough once i start to huff and puff....   my pastor winced a little.... for all the hipness of the stuff we have in common we disagree on sooo much!...

i was wondering if the pastor would be there well pastor was nowhere to be seen...  endorsed this event?  it was supposed to be kosher the guest was clearly accepted in anglican circles....

the familiar stuff and the not so familiar stuff... the familiar was the same faces the same routines the same heirarchies... a man would speak and speak he did....  me i had to switch off ... there was me asking what am i doing here what am i supposed to learn here if Lord i want to learn from you... somehow i was caught up in some trap....   someone who i had a familiar falling out with in the general public great! was there we had not resolved....  is resolution really the right event... in terms of what needs to happen before two people who aren't especially in the zone for a brawl but who well what exactly....  i immediately felt relief that any feelings of controversy was not being tested.... ie what they post brawl would think about me being on the Ministry team...  but that was hardly resolution... i knew a number of others on the team....  and saddest of all the question what i was doing there seeing i didn't quite run away was ... i watched and didn't really want to be.... what it's that word integrity.... it came up in conversation about some activity that i had not done cos i couldn't do it with integrity.... it was somehow quite painful......   but hey Jesus did speak to me in this but did i listen... i am trying LORD...


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,