aaargh ... to continue my fume... will have to add the story later....
so ok i t centres around particulation of society so let me add a bit... i have acquired a new 'enemy' .... i am completely overwhelmned by an inyerface type successful entrepreneur ... well successful enough to be able to muscle in on my department with many self teachings with many ambitions with many attributes with a big inyerface mouth... there was me breathing easy cos one had moved on ... and there is me still standing and ambling on the spot going nowhere slowly ..well ... the missing bit explains something of this my small life framework that in common with the poor how we rationalise our limited resources... the new person perhaps comes from similar beginings.... i find myself sitting next to them they are annoyed cos i am sitt5ing in their seat interrupting their night out and hey you know what i am not moving anywhere we are all in it together innit? well not really... i feel vulnerable to the voracious appetite of some to consume you to eat you alive take the shirt off your back and give little in return... hey i am exaggerating and this is completely my stuff! ... but everything they are saying and they does try and engage me in conversation in the end i completely clam up and listen with disdain this is not what i want to be hearing i am in survival mode this person is searching out things to eat to eat me alive... it's not true that they are not generous they have just arranged to pay for somebody to have a turorial Bless them for that... but the more mysterious figure that i present .... it is a time at the minute of reckoning ... the weekend has felt a rude awakening and i struggle to efface the rules of combat only seeing that i have been outmanouvered outthought and i feel completely helpless... it's like that chess game you know it's your move but you haven't been planning what you are doing with conviction so you move and whoopsy the game is lost sop you play again and the same thing happens.... i feel targeted cos i feel vulnerable do i feel some envy perhaps of not that it is easy no but that they persist and through their effo4rts cojnquest me i am hiding behind a rock looking on ... i feel depressed today ...everything is crap i8 am going nowhere... and not quite fully engaged with GOD that is the point... i mean it's all very well for GOD to be smiling on but hey this is paradise actually it's deja vue and it's a bigger 'demon' this time while i am chasing my tail ... and being stamped on.... i get to the point that for all their attributes i don't like them ok so i don't want to learn that way... i have already abdeicated from one opportunity though i really enjoyed the alternative... you see i am getting left behind and everyone else is getting those opportunitities.... i want to cry i feel a fool but my tears are dry! this is all so deja vue for me personally too and this is too a paradise at least this time i have GOD! and... when we don't do things with conviction we...
yes i wa spondering about this earlier ... when was it that in community people started having status and value for certain things they did or undertook? and then got paid ? i ponder this against the whole church thing the roles of annointing and that thing about annointing for roles where did #Jesus do that?... i mean in Acts Luke puts it that way about Stephen's appointment to give alms to the widows.... we talk about the receiving of 'gifts' but the Holy spirit has everything and the Gospel surely is about releasing us all into a sonship of all things as and when required..
oh and finally remember that flute ? i mentioned it above well and then forgot it and then pretty much as it was then... the flute came up again ... it had been brought to play in church for GOD! great! but it didn't get played the person wanted to play Jesus of my desire.... but... well they did play it then outside the church.... and reported that it didn't feel right to havbe played it before me ... they wanted to play it to GOD... so do i i need a bit of that now!
GOD BLESS!
Peace and Love,
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