start with....

why does everything take so long on computer? earlier spent a whole hour not to get a definitive answer on something!!!!!!!!!

i attend a prayer meeting that is monthly that i haven't attended for a while.. why ? well last time i came i ended up losing my rag ... no that's not the reason... have had clashes or GOD took me off elsewhere... but this time the two people who tripped my switches weren't here .... why am i well... i am dragging my feet to get there... find it really well attended take my customery position outside the circle... i just don't well there was a time i did not feel welcome which wasn't entirely rtue / and then that cultural well gap really got the better of me.... / oh and there was a time and there have been more than one occasion where i relegate myself to secondary status according to what i understand from the teaching .... even though there is an attempt made to contradict this... is neither completely evident in the teaching as far as my ears are concerned and how others apparently take it and  also not the behaviour one does the reality of where one is at? what is acceptable sadly subtexts is what folks feed on in the subconscious and all sorts........ 

the intro from an ipc is grating on me... all this fear factor stuff excuses not to do things cos well is fear a good enough reason? it is reminding me with some clarity of when i first came to the church i had a look at some teaching notes and felt dismay... at the time there seemed to be someone to have that conversation with and actually it was ok... there was room to have a different viewpoint... it's all this obsession with Spiritual warfare and principalities of power that a bit of Paul isolates... and christians go crazy to hide behind their armoured 4x4s.. does that sound flippant... and it doesn't quite describe a lot of our church tbh!... about serious issues? not long ago a GOD cjhancing meeting with somebody an ex-catholic priest well i said i was a christian he went on about stuff to do with spiritual warfare the this and the that it's all real! you know he declared emphatically... i didn't really enter a discussion about it but i certainly didn't want to disagree... it's just that... well Jesus ... and well the people i admire most accept that part of their Ministry is GOD dealing with suffering and sorting stuff out... i want Jesus to lead me through this not some philosopher who has written a book i mean if GOD has revealed Himself in the writing of a book gathering knowledge and inspiration then in end effect that is within their context of Spiritual Development ....me well we all have our own Spiritual journey... the subject of our attention is where we love isn't that paraphrasing something Jesus said.. or at least a commentary of the state of our heart... well i am finally catching up with some foundational bought into teachings that is inevitable for a church that is generated from anywhere really... i feel i have come full circle and am kindov disappointed really... the language the way we use language shows how we have bought into what and i listen to being disappointed by the people who one after another talk this stuff ... i note however there are folks who have said nothing dunno what they are thinking... something comes up but in an odd form it's the words : i do not want you to serve... i am listening to the language about service and the church and am thinking what about GOD?... i am also getting some pretty weird imaging... in the end i go out for a fag.. outside i get something of a word and then look around there are one or two folks about and i ask GOD to get the ones to speak to me to give the word to?.... i wait ... i get impatient and engage one who is standing and has just done something that ... they don't stay... then uhoh i see GOD hasn't forgotten me someon is making theri way methodically speaking to everyone and then they get to me ... 80p i can't remember what Jesus said and say i was just speaking to GOD for someone to speak to me and have a suspicion i got this bit wrong which was ... did i say GOD told me to tell me to say...? i said Jesus loves you... but that was not what i thought the word was in fact still now i cannot recall... another person spoke to me about the person who had just asked .... i repeat the phrase... it's an unchurched christian but not through choice... so i chat for a while pray a little loud and silently till they too have to go.. i am feeling a real lemon for getting the word wrong! meanwhile somebody else talks to me ... i miss that one and then return to the prayer meeting.. i walk into someone praying about LOVE!!! now that's more like it!   after a while i go through the vision ... it goes like this... i have been  mostly silent for a whole meeting practically though i kindov made some noises in the worship this is not like me except that... hey something is going on

Jesus says I WANT YOU TO SERVE ME... phewwww!!!!!  and adds something else that...

the vision runs like this... it starts with something that appears to be what a tie clip shape perhaps but is black and whatever it is it's really sinister and i can't see what the appeal might be but i have a feeling it's well something men would whatever... i ask GOD to .. can't recall it breaks and it changes to a 3d picture of antlers i'm kindov thinking maybe old tie school cos initially i am thinking this is something to do with heraldic images though don't ask me what or when... i kindov stare on it turns into a staghorn beetle... which is an amazing sight that too doesn't quite do much for me then i ask GOD to touch it.. this is weird cos i have had this sort of image of the antlers come up i am just realising in another prayer meeting but can't recall where that went as a story board sequence... this time as GOD comes and touches it it turns into another sort of beetle which name i know not the thing about this beetle is that it is all floppy like a knitted hat/... i stare some more and it turns into a hat and there is a little face underneath it...  and then the image stagnates.. i can't remember why but i ask GOD which one represents the church? and it is the staghorn beetle... i later ask GOD where the Gospel is and it is the next phase ie after... the church becomes a place safe for vulnerable souls.... vulnerable men... sensitive men... look at each place i was just looking on as and thinking about the qualities of the image so the staghorn beetle just looked really full of protection self protection impenetrable and on a mission as it were one could say it was fit for purpose knew and acted out everything that it was meant to... but where was the place that enabled people to participate to feel safe?...  does one have to break open the shell in order to gain entry... having broken open the shell is not the church itself made vulnerable overpopulated even..... unmanageable???...   does one have to be staghorn beetle even or have to become one to have engagement... recognisable ....the floppy hat was kindov interesting as was the other beetle form vulnerable able to be stepped on and yet touched by GOD into that shape! and out of it crept a face cartoonesque but still more humanlike... anyhow i tried to tell the image and i forgot the bit about the gospel.. dunno quite why but i feel compelled to tell this .. but i felt GOD was talking to me in this space too!...

i felt quite disassociated and i am reminded of a prophetic word someone gave me not long ago... it was about the eagle flying out of the chicken coop or some such idea... more and more parts are moving... it reminds me too of someone i met in london who was on theri own journey of wanting to grow faster Spiritually and how they left for another church and no sooner were they about to leave when their existing church suddenly gets all excitable and interesting again... they went disconcertingly with plan A and left for new vistas that they know was the right thing..

oh my GOD i am being reminded of something else! .. this happened previously the curtain call for ...

and that brings me back to.... yesterday again!

yesterday two unusual and unexpected events happened almost imperceptibly but when you have two in one day! it well was that gooey number! of aah factor... on two occasions 1) in acomparatively affluent sort of suburbia i find myself pretty much nose to beak (almost) with a small bird singing away attached to a bush ... it did not fly away!.... poor location i find myself ridiculously close to bird on a branch ... it did not fly away!... the poor location was interesting we went on a prayer walk not long ago and i told you i found myself meeting the pets and the wildlife... and i have mentioned that i preach the GOSPEL JESUS LOVES YOU! JESUS THE LORD THAT SAVES to the animals  and include them in prayers .. well i was a bit excitable when i realised that ... somehow that is all GOD has to work with sometimes... in terms of spreading the GOOD NEWS and i was excited about that even if the good folks of the gospel carriers couldn't make it round to your house GOD could still leave something of HIS HOLY SPIRIT! and in it GOOD NEWS! i'm sure there is more to it but GOD LOVES YOU REACH OUT HALLELUJAH FOR MORE!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

or something like that...