yesterday evening was one in the wrong place the right place? in the end i was not sure... sorting out a housegroup to be there to welcome someone who was coming for the first time... it all worked out beautifully well or so it seemed and me was ready to escape... seems i was not the only one to be confronting prejudice which Jesus has done! the other person was there but nowhere to be seen and i could see the darkness under theri skin that all too familiar now view of something bristling and angry and full of judgement .. they may not see it this way however...  i suspect well does one actually see the way we come across and if we did would be truthfully embarrassed... huh i can talk! even on a good day!

recently.. i felt tested on this ...i have had the opportunity to see something and i feel the GOD inspiration in a conversation recently with someone who folowing some big sort of decisions found themselves unloved and ostracised by their churhc one baulks with the number of times one finds this and every time the church is more than comfy with the results ie person no longer goes there.... that's all right then? apparently so... church community is the people who feel able to hang out with one another clearly... i feel moved to pray and find myself doing this stuff:...

look whatever our decisions are right or wrong and i mean this in terms of what GOD wants of - us wants of us expects directs but doesn't move us what then is the Holy Spirit up to i n fact where is the Holy Spirit ?  -us to do real time that is... GOD is in it with us for the long haul....   in fact whatever GOD has promised us will happen regardless... it's somehow not up to us it's not up to other christians even if GOD has proposed you then GOD has you on course!...  i add a bit to this.. in my thoughts .. i am thinking.... who ultimately are we to judge that of another believing christian... and also whatever GOD has spoken over a person GOD is going to get it to fruit one way or another cos that is what GOD's Word Prophetic Power is ... anything else is the things swinging around folks heads and that's meaningless... it makes me think as i am speaking listening to the words of my thoughts ... me i am truthfully thinking ... hmmm about the actions of this person ... something i would never advise something i certainly would not do myself,,,,   a reason to ostracise? a reason not to love not to provide for not to Minister to? no a time of pressing into GOD though....   .. an opportunity to search.....  by their own account and apparency of listening someone on a respected journey within church... and apparently charismatic church at that... i am thinkiing wondering if GOD isn't a bit dramatically in the mix afterall!!... that GOD has deliberately done this stuff just to shock the church in question...no of course not but cos GOD has a special plan to be brought through!.. all about ostracisation no.... reaching the ostracised!.... i feel quite excited about this.... at the same time an opportunity falls where i am in the same place as them... mm makes me feel a little well giving stuff to GOD really i am seeing stuff and it is a bit uncomfortable ... i don't know what it is i am seeing that is the point...

i find i am seeing stuff let me see now above one person ... then later around a group of people and finally earlier today around an ipc... this is a little disturbing ... although let me be clear it's stuff i have been uncomfortable with cos haven't seen stuff like that before and.... dunno what it is other than it sure don't look Holy.... something's going on ... just the opening of mine eyes? dunno...

earlier today  ipc and me are engaged in one of those conversations that verges on .... ok it ends up here... the ipc thinks it would look ridiculous to have a certain appearance... me i say hey if you want to do that i am not going to stop you go for it... they are a little taken aback at the ease...with which for me it ain't no bother... me i see the issue as a cultural obsession of passing value and the cultural contradiction would have its normal benefits... when someobody else suggests that Jesus would have... the conversation becomes really too much for ipc ... i can see how religious folks keen to impress with their ability to read the letters of Paul... might get overly exercised by some of the things that as an apolegetical predisposition just seems utterly absurd and really quite superficial to get exercised about... and a little not quite thought through.. in fact ipc branches onto that someobody who does this.. looks broken ... i feel a deep sigh... it is only afterwards that i figure that to be honest have i ever met a non broken christian however smart and shiny and new they might appear?.... brokenness has been a strange theme of late... and now we are back to the evening before:

so i left the incipient housegroup under a bundle of prayers... somebody was hanging around but out of sight... me i said as i began to pray that they would be out in a bit as soon as we started to pray cos the Holy Spirit falling was a magnet!.... and so when the footsteps resounded i couldn't help a   i told you so... risking all for a bit of Spiritual pride!... i sat for a bit with somebody and we chatted and that darkness came on... look let me put it to you this way... somebody obsesses with self and what GOD is doing for them... in part it's about endorsing GOD's status through witness but it can sound like 'look at me' rather than look at GOD...  there's a whole lot of stuff somebody comes out with that wears me out ... logic doesn't stretch as far as a generalisation.... made of the flimsy evidence of what GOD is doing why GOD is doing what GOD is doing and if circumstances were different would we not also be different?  conversely if we were different would not we have different circumstances... one wonders at times what people's brains have been doing all these years ... and we can all talk on that one!... then i set off thinking i will be late only to find i am early cos stuff hasn't started yet... i am embarrassed by this! and wonder forth out of a building and find myself looking at a formerly a thriving church it's doors open.. inside a rehearsal is going on... the group is not of itself christian i watch remembering someobody's comments about buildings such as these ... the ideal home for a church fit for our locality... i was less sure but it was nice to sit in the shadows... and watch till it was time to ...

it was a strange evening nothing seemed to make sense in terms of expectations.. and i found myself with gritted teeth and irritations should i have been there should i not rather have stayed for the housegroup? i prayed and i prayed and i prayed and it was weird.. the Holy Spirit came and .... it was like it was appearing and playing hide and seek ... i'm afraid my attention was so wandering i felt like escaping out of sight to a pool table with nothing more or less than one white ball one lit table one pool cue....   people trying to engage with me and i was all on a completely different plain i could not converse... and the people i was amidst seemed soo boring so flimsy....   but what of?  my attention seemed to be with all sorts of people ... and when even someone Bless them engaged me with... well they showed me something with some writing on it with GOD written in... and me i said GOD Created on the first day! as i said these words the Holy Spirit blasted them!... but i could think of nothing else to say it felt like ... i didn't even talk the stuff that was in my head i really wanted to say....   hey you know i have an anecdote i could have engaged with the very least... i only thought of it on the way home... unfinished everything... it occurs only now that my companions of housegroup were probs praying for me and i wasn't up to scratch .. seperate but in noman's land..

.... well today was a busy day and loadsa folks were there all at once....  you know what.... me i left them to it all these christians having lunch... and sat and learned or tried to learn something ... it was somehow far more interesting.... than the strains of conversation that were and utterly amazingly someone emailed me while i was in that zone about my non christian activities and it was relevant that i was learning!....  when i say i was learning the door was open and i was listening to the conversation....,  glad for the distance... but i was not undisturbed... a child decided to try out theri language learning and life learning skills on me... i was not exactly up for it but the child was persistent and i guess i was enjoying the chatter with them as limited as it was with help from child's mum... certainly preferable to the fully fledged growed up christians ... lunch was interminable with comings and goings... i was adopted as aunty by child who initially had been very unsure of me... i told the unsure child that they should not talk to strangers and within an hour i have become an aunty... i feel quite touched by that... and quite irritated with the usual adults mirth with children especialy when it is theri own... the only qualification for being a parent is biologically working a bit ok said i...  sardonically at one point...but relating an anecdote... doin the children is as earthy as pooh methinks... i learn that there is a brown sound that causes folks to want to ****.....   i thought it might be fun to try that one out in church.... i was alone on that one!

 it was poignant this lunch! ... two of my favourite ever christians have in the time i have known them become wives and mums and they were both there and me i could hardly sit in the same room as them.... one of them has married a not exactly religiously minded person ... and for their Spiritual value they seem well is that what exactly .. me i confess for ages i thought it just seemed a waste... on the ohter hand... GOD well.... the other married a religiously minded person you know that mix of religion and earthly flesh to it's own advantage that well what can one say?!... the Spirit still astonishes with them around but they look so wan they are hardly recognisable...

it was hard to have anything to talk to them about but i am  finding i like both their kids and have over time warmed to one of the spouses... GOD finds ways of making sure the other one is a more gradual journey i feel... and today i find that i find something more to feel uncomfortable about!.... it is actually the child who keeps drawing my attention to something that i really don't want to know ...but as i write about it now ... so ok here i GIVE IT TO YOU JESUS!  ....

it's mums and kids day today... i pop outside and discover someone from a time gone by now with 2 kids and about to wed the father... a lot has happened since i last saw them and they seem quite mellowed out .. they like being a mum and interestingly they are hanging out with some christians in their new life... i feel quite warmed by this without thrusting anything down anybody's throat....   i kindov feel it certainly has been a mum's and kids week... and i have felt alienated and disinterested though happy to see and to pray.. let me get something straight i like them my mums as people and i have every sympathy with their pligjht! the whole hubby dad's thing i have less sympathy with i speak about dynamics here but saying this i do see them get stuck ... and i pray ... i stand and watcjed tje dad's stand and watch a dad be thoroughly stuck and that was it they carried on talking looking doin nothin... this is not my notion of Jesus people i'm afraid!...

something of the day has some buttons pressed to some unfinished business with GOD a sore wound red and salty speaking out where it should not stand ... i have something to deal with here and there is a pain of guilt a stain that cannot quite let go.. seeing something of guilt suddenly brings new challenges for itself and in a funny sort of way it gives an odd sort of peace


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,