but i do wonder as i ponder these things ok here it is!

hafta come back later

i left you on thursday and attempted to go to a housegroup:  hgleader is absent has communicated to everyone 'cept me seems... leaving a video to watch... for some reason ther is no sound.... and it is one of those vids about... well seems there is a guy talking....  i watch for a bit and decide that there is no point in watching with the sound on!... so once the sound miraculousy appears i am gone!... look i can hardly plead knowldege when there is so much ignorance around but i am looking at the body language of this guy and thinking there's an awful lot of guy in this picture and i can do without....  i am kindov the only gal there and i is there cos i am expecting to pay back person i have borrowed a tenner off of ... they do not show up!... i am feeling a bit well uncomfortable... there are 2 guys and one is going on about a bad week hey... me i say about: sounds like PMT the other guy can sort that one out ... sympathetic or what!....  no i should be more so... this guy theme this last week is getting to me...

another conversation of the week .... i am pissed off by the ongoing blokish domestic inactivity of a guy i decide to raise the issue with a guy... i listen while guy tells me dig is not dig's self as it were .. ok.... that dig lives on dig's own ... that what dig needs is a wife... i challenge that ... thinking quite aghast what!? the attitudes of the average christian man towards women... that sort of level of domestic inactivity to be foisted on some poor hapless woman! like that was the answer to all problems? i tell you christian men are pretty good on the salvation message!

as i say i have been getting into trouble rather a lot this week...  and interestingly i am about to have a moan to somebody when somehow the conversation just is not happening i am just not getting out what 'the problem is' mystery! ... while i am venturing forth am thinking hey you know what!.... i feel i should be trusting GOD more!... i am acting in a panic...

it has felt to be a week of some misunderstandings like everywhere and i have been taking things personally that are not personal all over the place and apparently making things that are personal elsewhere... but here is a perceived example of conversation.... GOD looks after in kinds of ways by offering a GOD thing so i have been humbling through the week!

i have an interesting time generally with my non christian activities....  i feel really got at earlier in the week and singled out .. the only reason that this is so is cos well i have a mental blockage to learning ... being singled out is not necessarily a bad thing it's not as if anyone else except me thinks i am singled out... and the fact i feel hurt is irrelevant ... in christian circles it's a very different ball game all together  the singled out thing cos of all the deference to heirarchy leaves untidy trails of unseemliness... because people are reticent and trained even not to think for themselves they don't know that they are not they half the time don't realise that somehow Jesus is about thinking for yourself! but aligning to GOD that aligning to GOD aligning to GOD makes seperate... but Jesus does so in the Spirit ? has an open relatjionship with GOD the Father ... bit like Moses....  and Moses was a bit different from the rest of the israelites mostly cos.... that relationship of the Living Word with GOD the Father... in spite of the Gospels having pretty much a seige of war between the 'in GOD' and religion ... christianity does the thing of pretending that christian religion is already liberated from the pharisees and the religion that Jesus has lots to say to and about...  when the behaviours are very much the same... pharisees to christianity ...one only has to look frankly like 3rd person vantage point to notice this blatantly obvious point.... that is somehow squashed out of the domain of reason and sight in the present and the past perfectg... we have a lot to lose by not being in church... we are afraid... it is easier to keep the peace that is kept by referal to Paul's letters.... hey this is not an either or... we have whatever we ghave before us whoever GOD puts there... to serve? Paul... or to act out something of GOD? follower of Jesus ie in the basis that GOD the Father Gives as Jesus receives something GOD Given Direct!  in other words to be taught by GOD! 

i have heard it said that the protestant mission if you like centres around a basis of 'read the Bible for yourself' and this hsould amass massive improvements in literacy... trouble is literacy means folks can read all sorts!...; OR even centres around not catholic... like catholic is the plague... this is a perfect example of blindness and disassociation from the planks in one's own eye whilst fishing for splinters elsewhere... the point is not that i am perfect while the problem is over there... the problem is that hey am i on hte right page in the moment? in other words... what is the relationship with Jesus doing in my own life?  the real one the active not listening to what do they say about me asks Jesus one... no the who do you say i am asks Jesus... Jesus asks those who have been closely and actively engaged... look Jesus could have said hey read the Scriptures and then tell me... Jesus could have left things to after the road to Emmaus/... no, Jesus says look those guys over there have read the Scriptures so they know??  Jesus who hangs out with you.... you'll get pletny of folks to say i have read the bible... so read the bible to learn about Jesus... you'll get plenty of folks to tell you hey read Paul and that you will have Jesus at least in effect and some who will argue that Paul is more reliable than the Gospels! but how do we know.... how do we know or want to know Jesus personally ....  does Jesus want to have a relationship with you you personally or me not me....reminicesnt of Jesus calls Peter Luke 5...  that means a whole lot of stuff unexpeected is gonna happen! don't look at me...!!! look at for or to Jesus!

ah yes back to housegroup...  so... am thinking ok so i am not exaqctly in housegroup... so ... i make my way towards...  i am drawn to this.. it's a newsletter... i look at well i don't seem to be getting into any of this till...

"""Write us, come visit, be possessed and controlled by the Spirit, spend your lives on the poor and needy, delight to do His will, and you will get the desires of your heart! """

There you have it! if anything is perfectly designed to put me into a stonking mood it is ....reminder of something.. i can't quite get my head around.... it has me almost explitives thinking about it... i find myself banging tables and the last attention i have is to have an attention for GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11   grrrrrrr

you may recognise the words... it is the final paragraph of the letter written by the Baker's and that is the only bit i seem to read and it stonks me mad!!!!!!!!! it is touching on all my buttons... you see i... well .... LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it has me spilling out onto the streets looking looking avoiding? looking for... H.E.L.P.


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,