hmm i've actually come back here... cos i just need to say it... i am so fed up with.... somebody is spending even more time than me here today and not for the first time... i just feel totally interfered with.... my space that is and of course that is GOD's space wherever space is the height the breadth the depth and all that.... so who am i to complain.... person goes on about and let's be clear when they say that i am glad why should i not be they are feeling GOD ... they tell me... i kindov am a bit deadpan about that... you see it's cos they is having a run of difficulty that they is here and .. i guess they is grumbling you see it's that thing about fellowship and Grace the Grace to walk side by side and not make a heave ho difference?.... i'm telling you this it got critical in the last year when somebody ok they had actually stopped coming to our church even though they was well loved and had well a role... but it somehow wasn't enough and it was enough that the above boxes were ticked and somehow it was in effect enough that not only were the boxes ticked they were the right ones to be ticked?... so if they was so tickedc off that they left... then? well... they died quite suddenly and unexpectedly and we was asked to be at the funeral and it was well embarrassing to listen to what folks said or spoke of poor soandso...and i am you see raging is this the best we can offer of the Gospel and the answer seems to be for the time beijg i guess yes!? and is this ok???? you see liberation seems to be you are allowed to leave the chruch if you so desire.... Grace is you can stay.... and so it is that my noise is put out of joint by Grace... but what of the Gospel doing stuff.... you see the whole i feel GOD thing is quite plausable but nauseatingly out of sync with what that's gonna mean cos well.... person is sitting with one of those screens before them showing a picture no not of Jesus but of inspirational person of the opposite sex... does that sound Spiritual for you... is it cuter that way more cute than some person across the street/// sporting exactly the same pic pose but just a different face ... on their screen?   well as you can see today is not a day of sympathy cos it sure don't look like stuff is more than the face of you know that old term 'rescuer' the bain of women's existence oh and of course some men too.... you know the addicted to co-dependence whether friend lover or stranger....  and i am sick of it... come on Lord where is Your Fire for actual Transformation....  ok i have this issue it's about being comfortable in our own ways in our own selves along with our own foibles secret or otherwise.....where though is the alternative ?at the end of the day there are all sorts of factors that take place.... 

here's a good one i and it well it reflects where exactly... like my invisibility has made me feel a little suspicious i put up my hand to that!...

i am given a message with some unexpected praise... ok at first i feel very warm about that .... then later though some additional info comes up... and oh no ambiguity of motivation creeps in... what actually is the problem.. well it is this... me i have done some stuff... i have put up muy  hand for the all inclusive or so it is advertised special teaching/training day... i am rejected... wha you said it was open to all.... so i do not go on the day and am completely fuming at the subtext that is so subtext it becomes prety much normative of the church to view me in this onesided subtext view cos we all know that subtexts are treated like the small print on an insurance document you ain't gonna ... unless... well uyou either ignore them or take them pretty seriously ... and they will count when the chips are down...

well quite recently though months ago... GOD completely surprised me by speaking to me audibly on the street saying that GOD did not want me to go on this specialist traning within the church.... wow!!! suddenly any angst vanished GOD was telling me that was not part of GOD's plan and well i guess i was not quite believing him! it had never occured to me that might be the case.. and as soon as GOd had spoken and it was kind of tucked away safe out of any obvious immediate need to have something like that clarified... wow it opened new doors new vistas and it made me feel pretty solid in GOD again! like GOD was in control like Papa knows best and all that and li,ke Papa actually has a plan.... and so it was ... i declared GOD as my boss my Teacher etc... and all of a sudden wow! i did not come under their jurisdiction but under GOD's under GOD's means understanding GOD's internal structures... that sort of learning ,,as it were.... and the world not making much sense is a good thing n'estpas? the world of the man;s world of the church or religion upper structures like that ND  all that!////  oh and i am given a message about giving out some info on the matter so suddenly i become really wary...

but i will tell uyou the one thing that hurt that really hurt was when .... there was a small group of us standing there receiving what GOD was GOOD GIVING us someone saying there is the Holy Spirit,,, on so and so and so and so and etc etc... well at the time ... well all of a sudden they said the Holy Spirit is always on you well most of the time..... what!!!?????? i had been in the same room as them thinking they thought i was completely Spiritually inferior and a Spiritual wilderness for well years!    and there was this contradiction in what they were actually seeing and how they were relating to me////  you know what compare that to being complemented in something that is more practical and suddenly you know where my values are stacked up!

ok am off again now

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,