a languid pause between everything listening to music....  surely i should be here surely i should be there.. i am sorely jdisttractedd i've been somewhere for several hours struggling with the mysteries of technology not working very well.. even by thge standards of old technology...  not working well being the only machines for use cultivates in one a rare obsequiousness lament melts away in the distance and one langours between irritated explatives.... but one persists and whiles the ways away staring waiting anticipating.. time is money all the other things one could be doing surely i mean seriously!!1... i would have caught the bus but GOD wanted me to walk so i walked slumbering through under cover of dark glasses -well there was a little sun- entertaining myself as i went... i was there in no time hardly noticing anyone or even GOD who must have been somewhere... it's only as one ponders back does GOD sometimes stand back loving GOD's loved ones pottering around in nowhere in particular place or dramatically engaged and purposeful? or just get thoroughly ratty and irritable tearing hair out in frustration or maybe just stares at the screen patiently waiting for something anything to happen...  free will and automatons... i tell you i feel a little embarrassed though i thoroughly enjoyed myself in my preoccupations and parambulations you see i am trying hard to get to the bottom of something to open doors to something GOD likes... i asked unmischievously and conscious of the general bad press or anxiety in the christian world and yet there are participants who are christian unmistakeably so.. it's one of those things though you ask GOD and GOD somehow answers in a way that is so unmistakeable one wonders why there are so many dilemmas is it just because there are some christians there? or that i was in fact watching to christians when i asked... there are afterall many things i am wary of cos well they are spiritually something else and i can tell or is it purely sometimes just our anxiety doing the talking...? or is it ... let christians have a genuine passion both for Jesus and these other stuff and GOD just loves to see this mix?... i know many who believe the latter... me boringly it's all about the absolute of listening to GOD and responding regardless well that's the theory....  and when i say that i actually spend a lot of time endeavouring to hear GOD that is true but is it not also true that i spend on average of the day most of the time ignoring that ALMIGHTY option i do have ie to engage with GOD... this has been the case again and again... you see i am learning something ...what it is i am learning is to ask in the full knowledge GOD has the best solutions... i have struggled cos i have ended up on a course of action that is a long time long term passion for somebody who has learning complexities and an apparently dogmatic desire not to be taught! which i keep forgetting... i was reminded of this recently...

i was somewhere watching someone who i then approached to talk about what they were doing.... i asked with a sense of anxiety despair if they had a teacher... there response sheered me to my very sore point ... they did not want to be taught to any hows but they did refer me to what for them was inspiration.... i'd never heard of ... so i had to check this out and stuff made a whole lot of sense as far as my view of them was concerned.... there was me desperate to have a teacher to advance past a place of still waiting as it were  and clutching at straws... miserably and desperately....

later pondering this at home it was so obvious i just knew... i already had a teacher the very best teacher in the whole wide world and there was i completely feeling inadequate almost unteachable even though the real learning comes with what you do yourself and me i had GOD i looked up at GOD somewhat sheepishly... i really was a poor unteachable student distracted easily completely lacking in method of any sort and just being miserable all the things GOD knew how to teach me were being ignored by sore determination to do things my way like that was how stuff er functioned... i am slowly coming home to myself... and that's where GOD recently said to me .... what me being me? oh dear? no me being me of course how clever GOD is ... at working with exactly what GOD has made! but it helps if we allow GOD to do that! what is more i kind of like things that way!

so when i appear to have walked for who knows how long in no time at all and i arrive at my approxiamate destination still clad in dark glasses... and out of the corner of my eye i spot a figure and oh no.... the everywhere person of the past that had been absent for years and now in recent sightings .... and am thinking oh no help... and it turns out to be someone who i do recognise who starts when they pass me fully absorbed in myself but we exchange hellos... was this the moment waited for the moment where it requires that walk that length of time to get the timing perfect? timing is a fabulously interesting concept and now i am... out of time

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

remember GOD LOVES you!