Message #3556

[ecuworrier]

today... wobbly wobbly day... adventure of worries continues .. hate feeling this way feeling sick without feeling nauseaous spacey extra attention on the roads required having to walk the walk... i hate this stress that removes concentration i know i should be busy a stake in something productive? instead everything is appearing and disappearing i feel wobbly i hate it... i am not living this life i am not living any life... an apparitiion of function....

in contrast to yesterday... wow! still smarting over indecision and still querying what of GOD? i pick up a thought for today thing randomly and find a slightly odd reference to David ... not odd in the context of writing just odd for me to feel yes! i need this!... David fouled up that Bathsheba thang and GOD willingly drew him back! my head is thinking er yes well umm something and well David had some consequences for his er indiscretions....  not listening to GOD? he just went ahead and oh no one bad call led to another and before you know it dead man dead baby and now well got the baby... in an odd sort of way it reminds me of the tories... and the libdems.. the way they glory hunt for their holy grail ... in that peculiar way of people don't exist unless they are one of us continuing our lifestyles with a few of them being slaves and a half fully expendible as objects salivating at the prospect they can hide behind a few chosen constituent's remarks....it's third world dictatorship at it's most grotesque ... the way democracy has caused wars in many countries in Africa the them and us mentality of tribalism of them and us....  it's not unlike the mentality of the BNP and it's truely grotesque.... however back to me me me me....   i worry about the rmembering that David didn't have it so good in several ways.. like i said the one bad call leads to another been there dunnit and am feeling a bit of memory creeping into everyday..... i forget that GOD had to clean me up like it truely didn't matter... that's Grace for you ... trouble is we do remember and so does everyone else!.. so how Grace is GOD that GOD says not to worry....  and we do...  obey the command!

ah yesterday... i was up really early and obeyed the command i did! i was reluctant to and still i went trying to find the place of ballance of hum ah! and enthusiasm....  and ....  church was completely weird ....  nearly everyone who had been to church was well... hmmm wasted! i amused myself by my suspicion of who had had sex even though i can draw no conclusions other than there were some really peculiar facets on display and did all this look holy? did this look holier than anything? well disappointedly actually no! i say disappointedly because well i had made it to church and unusually i was early reminding myself why it is far more agreeable to be late as one avoids the melee of plastic greetings... something had happened with the set up and there was actually a pod shaped space just for me! so i took to it and ignored most of my inhibitions to sing worship now why was worship so unusually flat? hmmm....   when the sermon came about i went up the road to some outdoor outdoor gathering and had breakfast... there was nowhere to sit so i sat on the floor looking out at moving people and praying loosely... enjoying this view more than the still and organised backs of the heads of my church laughing at all the right places and nodding occasionally i was certainly avoiding the hoarse drone of the speaker....  it was good to be out here... i noted the distant strAINS of kids singing.. (our church perhaps?) ...a person came and vomitted something up just a few feet away.... lovely well they got prayed for and didn't do it again!....  a peculiarly dressed person marched through the people and caught my attention... i finished my breakfast and idled back...  went to the loo sung a bit there and oh no i could tell the Holy Spirit the Ministry part had just begun....  in i crept and stood just in time for a hook line and sinker altar call are you all in? ... there was me saying quietly to GOd i wasn't quite ready... but hey you know what i decided to give GOD the choice and when i did found myself unintentionally marching from back to front... the first to move a small number followed and got prayer.... did some breakthrough Ministry with one or two.... i say breakthrough simply cos... i had never ventured out with them but felt.... ice was broken Hallelujah!!!!!!!!! 
there is one ongoing issue that is not quite getting through i think i mentioned before someone i won't be prayed for by someone well respected by the church....    someone i have learned not to trust.... i have had such bizarre experiences like.. going to church and they kindov take over in a ghastly and peculiar biblical religiosity  (pastor away) and experienced a physical dis-ease as i approach to the extent that i feel under physical threat of my life... extreme huh? this is how it feels and i haven't even got to the church yet....  i have also found peculiar side effects of having previously been prayed for by them.... dunno what it is they is praying cos they don't actually say... but i have given it to GOD and GOD has put it right! you see the Gospel promise is to set free not create new layers of oppression... i mentioned some of this to someone high in the church who said: don't tell anyone! which went down really well with me.... the one thing i was sure of was that they weren't gonna do nuffink cos well ... they is they in the church and i is me...  i have long avoided anything they do teaching on with 'good cause' on my part still they is well revered in the church... oh there is something important to add... they is chronically not well .....    so while i is doing the surviving 'onslaught of the unspoken' with GOD putting stuff right ... well they don't think too highly of me though i am told otherwise... i should by rights be praying for them and hesitate to... so when GOD says 'are you willing?' i am saying yes but procrastinating shuffling about praying at distance as i has been for some time... so am aware of going round in circles... they attracting my attention..

after church mog says coffee? mog is looking radiant and for some reason is one wedding member who is not wasted and is looking radiantly GOD is in the House... GOD made sure mog and me make friends and it is turning out beautiful! mog has to do something first and so do i and this time it is me who is really late but sun is shining and mog is at a table outside... i get an update on mog's efforts to find work in a recession... mog thought he had a job which had been long waits and hoops in coming and hilariously or not folks in the church have been quite grumptious with him when he got a job and then started moaning...  and in fact had done a few days of it hearing every time he shouldn't be attending.... which sounds really weird! so he is in limbo but really cool about it ... GOD has been Faithful helping him to meet bills etc... we share about this theme of full time christian thing... we are both quite excited about the notion ....   GOD is Glorious... mog is full anecdotes about words he's been Given....  to give on... and is quite excited... i feel quite priveleged to be hearing about his efforts and time with GOD...  oh no a woman is sitting on the pavement and not getting up.. i go over to investigate there is no serious concern and i invite them to join us ....  they are waiting and have heavy baggage... turns out person is unchurched christian wanting to be in church but efforts thus far unsuccessful they are warmed by our friendliness and invite to a church of not too many big scandals thjey haven't come across....  a bit later on someone asks me for a light instead of taking my lighter seems they want me to light as well as they go i say something about Jesus wants to light their life... blow us down when a couple of minutes later they return and sit down and declare they are a christian and there follows a long chat with some Ministry and again that dilemma about church... seems they is talking most enamouredly about one church in particular and i point to a guy who has meanwhile come and removed mog for a private chat.... as someone who goes to the church.... 'i know that guy' the person exclaims so they go and talk to them...  inside the cafe i discover someone who previously came to our church and left cos we don't preach the Gospel.... mog and me approach to say hi mog leaves after brief encounter and me i get told about the gospel of don'ts according to Paul... i explain that my prefered reading is the Gospels themselves and the Old Testament...  i am told that the epistles are as something like as much part of the bible the word of GOD as the rest (something like that) and i say i don't really agree... explaining that my journey is somewhat different ... end of conversation.... i return to mog... the other person who i had found engrossed and peaceful in reading (yet another) christian manual according to one of many christian writers on... forgiveness... the word had a peculiar lack of feeling on the cover -my impression) with earplugs that they eventually removed.... seems to have made a hurried exit... oh dear! the thing about the Gospel is this it's all about GOD... GOD can do all the don'ts GOD wants to set us free to do the 'do's'  that's the Gospel GOD sorting out all the don'ts so we can do the do's ...

we have been at the cafe for ages now it is time for ... oh no GOD? ok ... off i set to a prayer meeting i haven't been to for a while ... it's a small one today.. but once we finally get started a GOOD one!... seems the Holy Spirit is busy tripping stuff up and i am amazed and moved and... just love being around GOD's presence...

GOD's lovers and helpers were wonderful yesterday..

today seem to have got through this bit!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,