oh yesterday... almost nonchallant.... in the end didn't have time for a personal chat here....  before off i went.... before that the day had been weird but also quite nice... but let's start with today.... emergency streetsuff they really are short handed and so i am up early cos i slept you guessed it soundly but badly with all lights blazing so i wake up early....   we aren't as it turns out so badly off numbers wise but everyone is in a state of ...  overtiredness or just weird stuff... mog is well gone with the fairies as far as i can tell.... human solutions to GOD's great plans... i listen but just do not want to know.. it's the mechanism of well GOD does this and the man knows best... i can see how with the leadership of the church such as it is very man centric and the man's ideas ideally the best ... that mog sees the spending of time in this way as well... seems everyone wants escaping... mog had discovered on the pavement a ticket one of those week valid tickets... he feels very Blessed which is fair enough... it is left to me to be occurred to that someone has bought and lost their ticket and that might be... i am so tired of this....

then......   i do remember that vision of Jesus looking out on the people the Fire of Love... completely non selective ... it a LIVING FIRE A LOVING LOVE... i have a few moments like that... they glimpse and vanish and i go back to sighing and feeling heavy weary with

i have an awful moment where i really am struggling well we all are after a fashion....  oh GOD!.. there's me thinking about how... we are presenting this view we are ourselves the Loved one's of GOd me i just don't feel loved to overflowing i feel a dreadful fraud well not fraud just that those things about feeling loved are just not shared with ourselves half the time the irrefutable proof that LOVE abounds! cos we is the living proof... what do i have to give... well actually that clearly is not the point though that is exactly what i get prayer for... cos i asked... well the point is about what GOD is doing ... GOD wants me to be there ... and that somehow cheers me sufficiently....  oh how vulnerable we can be minte to minute or at least i can be.. and how untrusting i am of the folks that are certain...  it's all mindset stuff isn't it... or could it be sometimes GOD... still the time is well spent at the end i give my grumble about church well heeled ....  it is a feeling of trap but what i found helped was the thought to pray for the Transformation of the church....  the total Transformation is what is needed... i nearly fell over with this ... i kept remembering Heidi Baker something she had said? i talk about though ...i've got to this point like the church well deep sigh theology of sermons theology of worship music... is under deep scruteny/... theology of relationships and all that.. and my theology is based on GOD IS GOD and we can hear what GOD says of GOD's self and i am a bit well stuck not ready to listen... and this year GOd has been dismantling the folks in my church ...
(i hear the words it's not my mission as i write and now i wonder what is?)

and we agree that it is disconcerting....

i'm remembering that someone was listening to this and it is for the sake of their rescue.. GOD doesn't need walls to rescue.. in any case for the sake of what does GOD DO ?... i mean GOD doesn't need a reputation based on human values ... GOD IS.. GOD HAPPENS!  and when GOD asks or whatever or we ask... is it that when we understand we must ask more? i honestly do not know....   but a theme is emerging ... yesterday:

i saw an article in a christian mag....  about Zac's place in swansea so i had to check out the website.... a place set up not to appease disgruntled chujrchgoers wanting to be centre of attention in their new milieau... oh no a church set up around folks who would not go to church and what i know about churches who could blemae them... gottago