bored and depressed....

the dark enclosure of solitude.. well solitude takes on the mantel of a dark enclosure is completely enhanced by the unexpected events of ... me i thought i would at least get on a moan today ... maybe later but for sure not now!... here i sit in the unexpected of persistent darkness.. it is true i am kindov looking at that and being reminded that GOD is not exactly exultant... my sleep patterns are well i am falling into a sleep pattern of ... well at least i wake up early ... but it is doing me no good whatsoever to rest and fall asleep and wake up and its morning... i can't blame anyone for this not even GOD who lets me slumber so...  it's been like this all year and it's doing my head in!  sometimes we just don't want to help GOD out!...   incandescent with rage and quiet assured in passive aggression... sure i pray to GOD but i sure as hell ain't ready to listen to anything... things beyond control even of GOD? no and that's the thing... sometimes GOD moves in ways that we just ain't ready for and that's the whole point... so we's will cry out to GOD ... from that perplexment... why? why can't we even say why? cos why is not the question asked somehow it's not relevant it's not the why the why is rejected even though why may just be what is ordered or needed!... or just said...  i've been looking at some music .. and it all keeps taking me back to that place...  it's a place i tacetly accept....  i cna't do anything about it... and yes Lord i is feeling scared and can't communicate....   i have been going through some of the angry emotions the emotions that just well i just let them go then ....   when they was roused... and now apparently they was stored so now i has them in a scenario they don't fit and is informing my decisions my responses and i is myself not communicating from that very place... i has nothing to say the path has been set and there was nothing i could say or do... but recall why it is that it is so.....  a recent situation set in stone in the past acting on emotions i did not have reason for cos the facts weren't what i thought they was and even if they were...... well actually if i had had the facts i would of... well i did not so i was not reading the facts as is and presuming to know so that not resolved i did not do what i would have if i had known... it's all very complex!... so why should i be behaving in this completely silly way....  it's me that's lost my way and i is somehow cowering on a boat in choppy waters... if ever there was a time to cry out to GOD it would be a sensible place right now ... but cowering and feeling monumentally hard done by even though i completely understand the logic of things... well i did this morning... and was relieved for that... it is true people's lives is different and single actions can have a multiplicity of consequences generate different courses of action and so on....  it's just disappointing what could i have done? i could have prayed harder i guess but for what GOD's WILL but is GOD not doing His Will?  i is not sure... and that's the problem... though surely GOD would do really GOOD and really NICE and all that and that surely is what has been happening?  i is not sure that's all... and the not sure is all the problem... cos GOD will do what GOD will do .. i mean like i say different lives has different courses and GOD knows exactly what GOD is doing and Blessing is in the midst so where i sees a sense of Blessing why should i complain? ... now how can i share that as a reason for......   'have i done something wrong?' says the other person ... i can't answer that... do you mean now or ever... i say nothing and shrug my shoulders....   'are you ok?' i shrug again... tjhen say 'i'm good' with no feeling or enthusiasm ... i both want this conversation and i don't ... i have nothing to say ... the other person says 'you're not are you' i shrug again and stare out into the knowingness the emptiness of GOD's Love...?  my attention purveys my surrounds faintly aware of the humans in this landscape...  ie i am here and you the other person is well gone but is there too...  i will have to cope.... i have nothing to say all i can do is stare out thinking about dynamics over time ...... i ask Jesus for help.... oh a question comes into mind.... so i ask it there is a half hearted response .. which sounds like good news and then i put it all into context and i feel well ....the nothingness of envy? the nothingness of nothingness the place of my head the place of my heart the fact that for all my observations of the lives of christians my own is not reaching that place... the Heart of Christ for this situation .. for my own situation....  it is a liberation from assault of sorts for this person to be leaving moving on ... and that falls crushingly awkwardly.. in truth it was not their plan A but plan As is not what any of us have the resources to capitalise.. that is GOD's country and so person went with plan B which well what is GOD's Cjhoice.... i feel sad about it.... person is well Blessed so Hallelujah!

and me well i will have to find new resources to cope... Jesus!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,