earlier today was surfing youtube worship music... i was taken by this one....

the road here was filled with edgy mostly good natured but still edgy the street pour out poor yes complete with cans sitting more prominently than usual waiting to be .... spoken to?

me i continue my journey of nothingness... it reminds me of a time before i was found by Jesus... i was a ghost i tried to explain to someone who didn't quite appreciate....

 me well had to wrestle to the ground a situation....  i am not being fair to the last time we had this conversation still .... it was a simple straightforward enough question... was i going to....? something that was meant to be one of those church bonding exercises in the lavish praise and love of the Father.... why would i not...  we had previously spoken about seriously though why would i not i was certainly invited to and was assured of my importance to be part of the family... we had one of those last year .... and in the end i had not gone... i had felt though i was meant to .. and someone turned out to have been there i wasn't expecting and theri appearance would normally have been a no brainer for me not going and i was completely right in that regard cos it was awesome and i missed out!....  the GOD and me thing though somehow tells me that GOD getting me to go or not do something was not dependent on having all the available information to make that decision.... that's not the point of obedience hearing and responding is point blank range! that's the lesson i am learning and i am recalling the words or sentiment of the song above why i seem to be here in this discourse of sorts.... 'You know my way....' there is nothing that GOD DOES NOT KNOW so much every plant seed every rivet is accounted for and GOD not only does GOD know Heal and mend but GOD has handpicked and planned the way for each one of us and that is precisely why religiosity and human plans  for the  Kingdom are doomed to give poor returns we who do the ritualised swimming of verse just don't get it! cos we prejudge and we turn away as many as we think deserves our efforts and keep away so many more who are offended ... we think righteous actions are a consequence of righteousness but righteousness without the whims of a Living Loving GOD are empty picture frames with sharp edges to harm and hurt those we is meant to save.... it is antithetic to the Kingdom us trying to preguess prejudge the way of holiness no all we do is give up our walk to walk besides You ..and You tear the veil.. there is something about this version of this song that really affected me and took me by surprise i felt included again signed in with GOD... did it though make me feel any more bonded to the church folk i then met one by one? no not at all... each one of them invited to lunch by the church leader to explore theri role in the church....  not an invite i feel ever likely to receive do i care though.. isn't that precisely why i had already thought about it... i mean going on this trip? and actually from GOD's view point haven't a clue ... i mean what would i do all day? have to hide.. not to be there... not want to be there not want to be part of a culture that i can see does play it's part but i am completely seperate from and do not want any part of ... i have been studiously keeping myself outside of what i see as the perversity of it's nature the ungodness that sits full square with the appearance of GOD with GOD's LOVE unbounded... or if i was there i can do the GOD stuff that GOD gives me personally to do cos everyone else is .... well and so it goes on... i feel loveless godless... bored with repetition where GOD has only just Begun!  yes i feel loveless for a  culture that presumes forgives itself it's follies and indiscretions but by and by maintains itself by the same rules as anyone else....  who sets rules to live by that necessarily exclude this person or that person.... still it has a place i cannot deny this... it's just a place i don't want to go right now ok?  but i do feel like a ghost of sorts i don't want to talk to this person or that person really i can't be asked... there was a time when i felt wounded now i really can not be asked... not taking it personally makes it very impersonal so you see there is a bind here.... and that is this ... not taking it personally puts the other folks in a completely different foil now if it was purely impersonal on theri part then there is no relationship seen from theri side ... but to feel it personal that i am now impersonal makes the original seclusion the original ostracisation and discrimination personal....  and me i cannot be asked either way...  does this sound like me i am trying to b e personal ... no me i is trying to survive work out the mechanics of how GOD is gonna rescue me in my midst without church to go messing with GOD's head it's practically impossible within a church which is why chuirch is so so messed up... the people who feel ok and are even able to raitonalise and spiritualise these positions are the one who get to lead from the front read books and write them so folks who read books can learn ...me and the likes of me has only got GOD to grumble to... but the mes and the mes likes of me are of many colours and convictions and maybe eventually together all the grumbles will gets heard all at once

that is not however a precondition for revival  or maybe it will be revival means living again so we got to be in that state of born free imagine this ... revival happens well everytime it happens guess what there is some folks there and some folks who popped out were perhaps away for a bit....  we is all so busy in our culture these days...

no it is this we wis talkin about endtimes yesterday... Jesus said only GOD the Father knew the appointed hour....  for all the situations  we preoccupy ourselves dwelling on and have done for the past 2000+ years...

we had a giggle about maybe the rapture actually did happen on Saturday after all...  no i was talkin about that all those who loved GOD loved ....  and then i suggested that was probs about three people in the world...  i like GOD is in Power GOD is in the WORLD ALIVE AND WELL.... i am disappointed in all you lot though and i realise it is left to me to walk my faith as far as i can go with it....  was it meant to be like this though this hard this lonely though i now am feeling some solace in the solitude at least it hasn't got too much of you lot after all all i has to do is pray for you guys so i can almost do that without ever having met any of you and perhaps it works better that way....  someone to pray for me .. who would bother if they met me?  so maybe it is better this way... everyone gets to save face...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMrAafe7Mns&feature=related

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

it was weird yesterdzy and that now has me in tears..... yesterday was listening to something on the internet..... and out of the blue there was contemporary mention of something oh yes i knew what was going on there i had done some pretty spontaneous and some pretty big prayers and public they were dunno if anyone was listening but...and then ..... GOD gives me some feedback i can hardly believe it and that i don't know why that wants to make me cry ... i guess i is human afterall   i just wasn't sure about what had.. well you know...