listnin to my current favorite youtube clip of some jazz... amazing!!!!!!!

it's kindov soothin...

i'm depressed i know this i feel completely overwhelmed.....  and as for listnin to GOD... feels an act of faith i'm not ready for....

the continuity of depression is kindov understandable well it makes sense to me  physiologically and psychologically logical.... i feel sick  and am all scrunched up....   i am living in a christian culture that has no answers and the last place to look for answers is within christian culture... feel good factors are part of the inbuilt sector but they are culturally conditional  depend on all sorts of things that leave me cold and wanting to wretch.... this is hardly THE WAY THE LIFE...  it is perhaps no surprise christianity while helpful to some in a bad way to oh so many even new christians is an anathema....  the expectancy of GOD comes oh so second to human frailty feel good factors....   i feel i'm on a long list of those who despair and within their settings and of these there are many until illness sets in or madness or leaving the churdh or someone finds something out....  the christian life is a dour one and one set within confines set apart from what is going on outside with little more than derisory attention it would be self serving if the so called sacrifices weren't so colourful leaving shades of grey...

 the continuity of this lent season is a bizarre one of otherworldness my spirit far from wanting to be a part of .... wasting away silent.....  as i sit here if this had been this time in the cycle last year i imagine i would have been someplace else... earlier today i could have been.... i woke up early enough but me hey i felt well.... had i felt differently.... well i did not.... i struggled with the idea the motivation even though GOD had gone some way to sorting stuff... i tell you i set some conditions GOd did not meet these i did not go!.....  what went wrong! i had more than one reason to go... it was this....  did i hear the message ... was it cos i was whittiering on about Heidi Baker getting things wrong.... you know i feel to tired to care i really feel .... let's tie this all together.. there are two points one was.... last year i strode out and was wowfactored i listened to stories GOD did some stuff and the christian life was... well i was robbed i felt cheated!! and that is it really .... i meqan i return to tjhe chruch and no-one seems to want to know.... there is more..... and this is just evidence of things not being so taken seriously... the lowest point of the year was when my pastor goes off on conferences comes back .... i see the tapes ...and then comes his sermon!....  i was screaming with rage! we were all being robbed!!!!.... how comes they can all go to the same conference i see them come back and then pop! blam! then comes his sermon!... pastoral leadership what is the meaning of the words!? how can anyone come back with that!!! i was furious!!! it's like the way the truth the life was for someone else... they print the message but they mean someone else......  scandal....

  here am i in the church and i feel in some ways this is 'as far as i can go' ... to quote the words of someone who appears to have drifted off... in a whirlpool of anger.... well what is a church supposed to do?....  and that is the trouble... ok somethying that i have learned is that churches can leave one with a bloom or a gloom of untruth the deceptive spirit stuff so any church can do spritual abuse but whose responsiobility ios any of this i mean we sure has enough folks what pass through and then want to has a row about some point or not your not preaching the gospel... if you ever had the experience of feeling to go up to the sermon maker... i recall one where i was left.... shocked at his reaction ... he was grateful!!!! but there he was tired and still telling it like it is and he does not believe his own message... and the place to reach him is well some place else !!!   

so there is me thristy to be refreshed and GOD sets stuff up cos GOD is like that but me i hey ... i buckle ... let's face it if GOd had been adamant GOD meet my demands they was simple enough... now where IS that book i know it's irrelevant and that is just the point i don't seem to have let go....

ok the thing that has happened is that i'm not taking that crap from no-one i oh so seriously do not see the point any more i know i do not see the point anymore... the thing is that GOD well GOD GOD GOD GOD ..ARE YOU LISTENING!!!!! i can't seem to hear you ... i tell you what pissed me off without me feelin anything... the moment i got into the swing of motion to go i felt my spirit soar!!!!!!! the moment i then set conditions i was back in control.... let me get some stuff clear here... like i say this lent time is about .....   the conditions we set .... the stuff that truely is in the way....  i can say i'm scared with full confidence that there ain't anyone in my church that will respond Spiritually cos their interests and their focus of attention is just so elsewhere!....  i am tired of being tired out....

i say i ma thirsty to be refreshed but hey i been there befoer so now i just say hey i been there  before and until i it is i make that breakthrough while i am sullen sulky thirteen year old like i had it in my head earlier them folks wot is lonely isolated stuck but they don't step forward and no-one comes to them they looks self sufficient right.... well isn't we just like that with GOD?  i mean if GOD was interested then GOD would be making more effort hey? and if we was interested we would be making more effort....  so if i was really interested i would be rushin round......  i think i felt quite crushed by that enthusiasm that someone like Heidi Baker has for Jesus it's somehow genuine even though there are many facets of her  personality etc that lend itself to that ....   i can sighor complain? 

... i am angry and i can't get quite get to feelin angry ... that numb rage i said to someone ....   i can't quite get to meeting GOD in person cos i'm not the sort of person ... i would be on the fringes .....  and Jesus would look round and notice keep looking round to notice the person intensely staring but out there on the fringe reviled by the disciples.... but would Jesus break breath in His journey? ..... so you see i am complaining even though the prophetic message of yesterday is all about you too... you are included ... so if i can say that to you why can't i hear the words to me?

the truth is i don't know how they translate... last year GOD stopped me thirsty parched to tell me that.... He wanted me to be led by Him.... 

so why do i need to go and listen again... i think that i was pretty upset by that when we are around faith we can believe we can hear... when left to our own devices back at base then... back at base camp zero! this is not .. what well what it is is confusing when church leaders say that conferences always feel different then is that truthfully all that GOD wants from those environments? when i was told i should spend a fortnight at Florida remember Todd Bentley it is that that will change your life... and i did not go... a part of me wants to have it both ways i guess i want to be there at least in an environment that will change my life and i want to have it 24-7... well i tell you some stories by Heidi Baker will make your hair curl and it is all about the manifestation of FAITH....   a walk that is sustained by obedience... Heidi says in the same talk if you walk obediently you won't get tired... well something is keeping her going ... hey is this all telling you something even if i ain't ready to listen yet?... the difference between a and b.....and yet Jesus is trying to tell you something even if it's me that's not listening... are you getting the picture... Jesus is trying to have a relationship with you ....not the messenger.... the messenger has his own worries for the day

so all the grumbles are all irrelevant actually...

and still i am here and this is all i have to give Be used by You GOD... do you ever sing purify my heart refiner's fire does it mean more than just the motions of your wired up jaw wired up by the motions of chjurch.... wired up to the Glory to GOD to be ignited to be a current of Glory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXR65YfWehI&feature=related


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,
have i heard ....