this is nice.... everyone's abandoned ship (at least for the moment) and here i am tooot seule with a KISS from GOD..

my pissedoffedness continuing boldly where no man shall go!... i am certainly running through some stuff though....  my sense of alienation continues people being friendly christian and not christian does nothing to shift a sense of isolation in fact folks being friendly where normally i would welcome the chat me i is well just do not want to be bothered....   conversations are short and business like and folks seems surprised... i feel self conscious about this ... but also the pissedoffedness is just one continious sense of anger and irritation.... 

earlier today :  where's soandso ? answer:  the've just popped out to meet someoneelse....  meagen: that's cool
soandso in my eyes is doing something useful...

someoneelse is a charismatic of exceptional .. and a really nice person to boot...  very friendly but i recently discovered how homophobic they are...  the conversation at that point ran like this: the person was moaning about they had done some off the cuff evangelism going into pubs it sounds like initially they had at least been ok with that  but something changed suddenly and they moaned that: a two headed lesbian would be received more willingly than a christian....  (with such emotion on the two headed lesbian bit)....(my reaction... then they said:) i confess prejudice...; i replied: sounds like a confession..

even though i didn't quite find them humble and self conscious i took the words to come from someplace the words coming out measured and who knows what but somehow spontaneous those words came out......at the time  the word prejudice felt to be ..not a meaning of GOD but of man... and i was secretly pleased to have things that way! this is a person who has knowingly prayed for lesbians before now.... not every self effacing christian would do that!  in a spontaneous faith of GOD LOVES THE WORLD!! so the person who is comfortable on the whole with that prejudice is happy to pray in the street ... but is not comfortable to sit inside his place his peace with say a lesbian couple.....  a place like church?   later soandso and someoneelse return... i am immersed in worship i shout out greetings and continue ... and for the very first time i do not join them and chat....  in my head is well i catch some of that all boys talk about theology that leaves me hitting my head on the table... but me i is well milking this feeling of alien#ation for all it's worth!...

ok backtrack a bit
for those of us with prejudice (who has not something or other?) we often get away with the duplicitous nature of bearing prejudice by hanging out with people with the same prejudice ... me i find it utterly distasteful to hear christians comparing their prejudices and leaving thtm in place... me i cannot understand why it is not the same for everyone .. it certanly is when we hear christians behave in ways we do not expect of Jesus... in public?  why is it different in private? why are we so tribal about the protection of our indiscretions? defending often along the lines of ....we are all human .... as if that explains what exactly... well this is what it seems to for me.... it seems to be saying that we the humans are just like you lot out there all humans too and therefore there is an underlying truth and this seperates the lambs from the rats.... the humanness that is seen is that a place we can feel easy to join ? to join in with ? that's church so basically those folks already being stationed in the ivory white city set the tone for folks to feel welcome or really want to sit with those folks....   who seem to say ...so if you don't like our humanness well tough you is born of the devil or something along those lines in extreme cases... 

the problem is simply this why are they so comfortable with that? why are we so  tolerant of that that is unclean ... in other words the prejudice itself or whatever else our uncleanness might be manifest as....  and by unclean i really do mean spiritually rather than what each of or any of us has as our own thoughts of uncleanliness like URGGHHH you eat offal!?  or brussel sprouts

when actually they is waitin for the second coming.... or at the very least someone new to come along and put them to shame? well no they has plenty of new christians that seem to do that pretty good at least get them to utter those words :  llok at X they put us to shame! they say .... but me i don't see too much change happening though a bit of time along and it's not long before that hey guess what....   X has changed! X looks like one of the christians now ... and me i sees this and i think well.... despair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  so what is the second coming gonna do that the first one forgot to do?  or never intended to do?  do we need to have a second coming in order to make sense of the first coming ?  or is this really it?  nice to see you again christianity......   


my sense of alienation continues though as i say to new depths.....  i am sure that my pastor is playing games with me and it is all about who is right ...hell no it's all about uncleanliness and shower just don't cut through the ice....  the pastor is clued up to that i ignore his sermons well that's cos i listen to half a one and hey that's great listen to another one and hey that's devilfish talkin someplace.....  with great stuff mixed in ....urggh that leaves me wantin to take a shower and it can be on any marnner of topics... mind you  the topics are all that .. stuff i've heard all that before and though pastors may not be tired of those sermons they compare notes enough.... i is well fed up of them they is meaningless.... full of doctrine and they talk about Annointing and talk about i is your leader and they can talk about all the prep and prayer they does before hand all they likes but in end effect it's all bullshit and spiritual pride and manhood and manliness and even such intriguing issues like well teacher when was the last time you had sex or what was it you were doin last weds or when was it....  not that the latter points come into it but it is hard to swallow this Annointing stuff one minute and full blooded manly pride the next in whatever form that takes....  but i do confess me i has got to is it my pride has got the better of me?  everything seems pointless right now?  even what GOD does and i should by rights and on the basis of the foregone be exceptionally interested and excited but me all i react to is how meaningless everything is....

the hangin out with the Spiritual types when all the Spiritual types is pretty much the same muchness as i said before them spiritual types at least round these parts are of the same cloth they all has the same prejudices....  they is all the same folks that you as an outsider wants to sit with or not according to their humanness... you should want to sit with them according to your thirst for the Love of GOD but why is it that you sit with them and all you sees is their humanness ?  AND what is more the traditions of humanness that carry on side by side with the gospel....  does it matter?  i have a feelin that take back time to the B.C. days that not too amny folks on the whole wanted to be jewish converts... in other words folks what doesn't already belong by rights by birth into the 'right ' families... and Jesus says something about the travelling far and wide to make converts to folks that turns out just like yourselves hey! now why does Jesus warn against these things are they really heeded ?

i said that my pastor was playin games with  me and i feel convinced of this......  based on what they who do hnot hear from GOD very well rely on other'Spiritual types too holily and has Annointing so they see a very clear image of what it would take for me to ... well what exactly.....  be one of those folks wot looks like... something i see already and stay away from in the background... me i seems to has stopped goin to evening services in other churches at the minute so weiry i is not just of not listening to predictable sermons about nothing in particular with little to show but plenty of vanity of manhood of the speaker... or well to be honest the folks that has the right credentials to sit through these is seriously getting on my nerves i is weary of seeing fear in theri eyes if one wants to atalk about GOD rather than what someone with full exhibition of manhood had to say....  they are afraid  but fillin the coffers to make all this endeavour possible just as it says on the tin...: this is church the leader is a man...what is it about men that makes folks afraid mena and women alike?

the good thing is that i am at this time frame and not even looking to GOD where i did previously... i am thinking oh i so do not want to be like you... and if GOD only sees the kinds of people that you admire well whatever hell is like i take that option gladly,,,,,,  if the only alternative is hanging out with the unclean clean lookin (it's amazing what a bit of self belief and personal prep can do in the morning! )spruced up after the abomination of their acts of violence and synergy all over the place......(and that's just in the mind !)  i am so weiry of churhc that today io am thinking well i donb't go to housegroup i don't really want to go to church any more and if i am honest i am seriously doubting what others have spotted as completely sane that hanging aroudn chuirch is completely insane and hanging around all these broken folks is making me feel sick and alienated,,,, and there are actuallyt exaclty ZERO altlternatives...


well the church is growin and folks has cleaned up their act and cleaned up thier all sorts of stuff and consequently they is now the bees knees they has repented apparently and in all their ffing niches of one sort or another they has found elixir... you think i'm jokin well actually no! what the church leader believes is right for his/her own life is what we has all over the show... the ones feelin weary is the ones what is single.....  surprise surprise... what they is feelin weiry cos they is single?.... i think living up to mrs jones has something to do with it afterall when one sees a parade of those bubbly moments.... kindov hides the rest don't you think?and this in my book is fornication ... someone wants to talk on james and sexuality or something.... and guess what homosexuality will come up and in case anyone was thinking in any sort of neutral terms well they has got another thing coming you see where hell is concerned there is no alternative... hom is gonna be there bbig time so it is worthbeing reminded of one way or another don't you think.... should i go or was i pushed.... well after Monday's decibel hearing of fornication is the in thing Gospel enquiry er prayer night.... GOD said to me as i was going up some stairs 'this is my battle not yours' and i just look Him in the eye as best as i can and say.... well You'd better make more effort then handn't You!!!.... more effort at the minute seems to be all about them folks i don't watnt to sit in heaven with airing out precisely the reasons why that should be so!... so what if there is Revival....  here in these unholy war parts and it is a possibility there is aat least a Move of GOD ... and plenty of prayer for that too.... shall i let you in  on somethin there is also a clear view of what is good and bad and there is me thinkin how little folks #view of folks and so on....   is it possible to miss revival cos well one was there and thought it should be inconsequential you know what i has a view of revival right there in my mind it is certainly not inconsequential ... but you know what a bit of me wants to just watch it from afar... do you think i has been hangin round too much with church types is all the stuff... i am weiry cos everythi9ng that's said has to be analysed and i has so many converstaions with GOD GOD never does nuffink you know that but as i has said before many a time we cannot always see what it is that GOd wants how GOD goes about stuff and all that....  and i is not convinced that we is terribly flexi9ble to be trying to see and that counts me in like everyone else somehow don't you think which is a pretty boring thing to has in common with folks and be the sole representative featrure of what it is that brings us all in on a Sunday morning ....

youknow what at the minute all i can see is these knuckleheads prancing around like they ifeels something special and it is all about them....  and all i can see is how much i dislike them for that and  and just about every vbalue they espouse.... is there an issue of Spiritual abuse... well that is the question they forgive themselves and others like'em... and that's good enough for them so why should i complain?  they say you should forgive them! which is i see as i write now an admission of intention of guilt somewhere... innit... hey you know what that has cheered me up!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,




f GOD has a prejudice it is to LOVE and BE LOVED IN RETURN....