i will get there eventually tidying up .....

yesterday groan... another day goes ..... the change in weather? the world at war? the UK stuff?  i am not keen to go to a prayer meeting but do go....   well i did ask GOD and GOD seemed keen.... it was quite eventful i walk into a room where all the folks have been away on this private encounter thing... i can see the Holy Spirit on them ... me i just went to church and felt depressed... i am all in battle armour mode in case some folks is there well it is no show.... i feel pretty alienated and yet it is me who is being treated with kid gloves to be part of the group... a pattern? there is some sense of frustration as well as blame... i haven't sat down it is true 'i'm here aren't i?' it's not as if anything has started yet ... i have good reason not to sit down yet the general chat of this group is usually pretty well not my kind of thing at all!....  i do notice the difference though.... someone asks me how i am ..... how i resent this question in this setting!....   i say: soso.. screwing up my nose... someone says: come and tell us all ..... i answer: you wouldn't want to know.... someone goes into an anecdote about what someone said about AA meetings.... AA meetings is a forrun object to all present....  but somehow that is the whole point really.... at AA meetings there is a parity of helplessness and a honesty group there has to be high levels of integrity and inclusion too though ..... we are not equal  i think it's quite funny really....  i know them quite well and well enough to make comparisons with myself and the way i conduct myself the way i think about strangers and all that... there is little injustice to be spared here....  but i am the outsider i don't share their values the way they focus on Jesus the way they respond to Jesus .......   at the end of the meeting i confess i have been thinking about.... well i have briefly ... where i live there are indeed limited options and we are stuck with eachother... i have been thinking should i leave this place all together and go for a time... to.....  silly me as i suggest 'intern' then retract.... adding that the church organisation in question sees me as 'detestable' but it would be nice to hang out there.....   it is a far away place and news has it that the person i would like to 'hang out with'.... obviously not in a formal role is apparently scheduled to visit a manageably close area at some point .....  the word detestable apparently said the way i did has an effect for someone to say we love you.... but that is the problem.....   the them and us of the nub...the response has me saying...: well there is love and there is love .... angry i am ... and prayer time turns again.... a curious facet of the meeting is mog turns up completely upset.... mog went to a chuirch and was as was his way delivered GOD's parcels of LOVE and Feeding and a church elder came along and forbad him from doing so in his chuirch.... if i was not so fed up i would have well what hey they all... me though nearly end in a scrap about whether church leaders ie Spiritual church leaders should know the difference.. ie what is GOD and what is not!..... are they allowed to make mistakes? .... well i say it is unacceptable to be a church leader and not know the difference...

hey gottago


GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,