Message #1099

[ecuworrier]

so where was i ah yes Good Friday grumblings about choich...   it was actually quite enjoyable ... the problem jhas to be with me somewhere

soooo.... got home found myself having missed walk of witness some christians returning invite me to lunch on Sunday this gesture of Grace i am touched by ... just when i was thinking they didn't like me anymore!... i have to say though that the formality of lunch fills me with anxiety...  sit down meal and polite society .. they do bear with me and can themselves be quite impolite which is cool...  i am having an anxiety being around christians it has to be said at the minute not entirely sure where all that comes from... anyhows GOD helps me i am due someplace else and guess what i is late! but gets there in the end.... later that night having struggled with humbled pie i was running as fast as i could!.... i have the luxury of tv and making the most of it when someone comes in .... they've been to bed and they have got up again cos of some sort of pain ... do they normally have this have they had it before etc well no... i smile to myself thinking GOD thing!...i sit and pray out loud ... the pain has gone

we chat about faith i am envied for my faith i talk a bit about that tell a story or two ... it's an interesting kindov situation ... here am i on the one hand kind of in this dark hole this space between church reason and this searching or just being terriblfyf intellectual terribly clever and not really authentic about anything?  well quite possible all of those things .... but i cannot get away from the fact that here i am in this dark place of rebelliousness that i can justifuy perfectly with logic but i cannot quite get to dealing with this ... i feel for this judas character sold out for pieces of silver but in order to actually sell out like he did you have to have a sense of what is to be sold out on implicitly you are standing in the dock as accuser so either you believe that sort of thing ie that Jesus had His just deserts or you are accepting the role by proxy ... was Judas that thick... i mean you can almost understand the actions of Esauh and the soup cos he weren't too bright on a banana at least his actions showed he weren't thinking things through and then he got all stroppy afterwards! well who does not feel enraged except for those of us who believe in means for an end... judas did he think things through ? or did a bit of silver and a promise of what he could do with it ... he's like many folks you meet who've done a bit of this and that ... haven't we all is one currency when it comes to possessions and prospects one thing but a lie or two huh that's another matter or a bit of juicy gossip....   it's elemental innit....   we can perfectly understand the notion of punishment where the thieves are concerned they got cazught so they deserve it...  we use this manner of thinking all the time this reading of the Bib le but i think we got it wrong... the one thing that GOD does not do is make mistakes so there is meaning as always beyond the reason of oh well somewhere it says in the ot (hey you know i forgot that one)....  GOD hangs His Son where Hje don't want anyone to go....  He didn't make us that way...  He didn't make us to be hung out to dry.. He wants us to be helpers!.. now that's very mealy mouthed of me where everyone knows a good story of where ... well a quasi Acts situation happens .. oh you know let's stick with Judas since he's round about someplace ... the descriptions of the end of Judas are pretty conclusive ain't they he had it coming to him did he not.... but you know what i don't think that's what GOd wants i can't imagine that is what GOD desires there is no logic to that regardless of what actually happens ....   do i have biblical evidence for this? nothing immediately comes to mind... like i say mealy mouthed preaching without evidence and i can only point towards GOD the Father and say ask Him!

so when later and it was very late and i was begining to wonder why i was up so late... the person came in again the other side was hurting so i prayed again and everyone turned in and i thought of how i preached the Gospel after a fashion a tribute to our lovely Jesus the Living One and felt loved in spite of  that i fvelt embarrassed to be a shining example of my belief ... belief has to be more than just a thought process ....  but i feel disquiet and i am afraid... well that seems to have been Good Friday

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,