so an insubstantial lent this year .... on then to the real thing...

ok so i am studiously avoiding convention to add some of my own?

well hopefully: there have been one or two odd things and moments that have captivated me.... so i seriously brave the grunge alley of multiple internet cafes for this... well.. something has to be said...

i have had an eventful year since last year with unexpected levels of difficulty both in church and out... and  so am scraped fingernail distance from church with as i have been observing rather a lot of irritation.... and i appear to be getting used to this!

so what am i getting from the non appearance of me in church well i am pretty relaxed i feel Jesus Love and escape the rhetorical statements and spiritualities of those who don't see the point of consulting GOD other than to deliver their own at times really unhealthy gospels... the things they believe in and amply put theri faith and trust in.... having contact at a bare minimal with vips that greet you warmly (... with a kiss as it were) and then settle back into their darkness of judgements.. you see i am not telling them a great deal and some of them are pretty miffed .. it's all my fault you see ... i am the one being secretive... they don't tell me too much either but of course that is another matter all together... well of course it is!... well if you put church or other gods ... before GOD that could be a good point... the who's who of trustworthiness....    and it is the way of heirarchies that patriarchal papa and his various wives don't consult the minion but if the minion speaks not who is to trust the minion.... especially the minion that doesn't trust the patriarchy and respective wives and adherents.... this minion laughs helpless despair and rage privately at what this minion sees and baulks too cos this is not exactly the Gospel of Christ surely that the minion experiences? ... and as minion i am not exactly taken seriously whatever i say!? does it have to be so... does it matter
?  ?  a lot of this stuff is based on the graze of reputation sooo.... one or two folks get elevated that would otherwise be of troo minion status otherwise.... time and again i hear stuff that doesn't sound very GOD to me taking effect as important and being acted on.....  the minion can never be taken that seriously!..... but the not Gospel ....  and basically because it is not the Gospel what is a poor minion to do to trust to do?... this minion was quite touched with a recent conversation with someone ... i asked them how they were ... their response showed they were ok but not wonderful ....  somehow i kindov felt at least in that moment rather better than they were but they asked me how i was and actually sounded concerned.... now if i was going to church am thinking that i might not be of such concern.... well this is what i see time and again... the folks who actually are not ok .... but the fact they turned up means that is good enough .... and actually if tjhey do not turn up then they will either be cause for concern or not depending on ... the closeness to the various inner circles of patriarchy and his various wives and adherents.... so i get an honest question by my absence!? or the person not one hundred percent has ears to listen from a more human place......

it is when we no longer have the opportunity to make good that we are forced to make good.... i am mindful of someone well actuyally as i ponder mindful of several folks ..... at the time they did not answer the question : how are you to satisfactory candour or information... one might reflect that if you do not have the information you can't pray.... wrong! if it has come to your notice that something is not quite 100% regardless of whether you have info or opportunity to pray this is what you can do.... instead of getting the sulks ... you can take the story to GOD and in that secret place you can press in to GOD .. you know you might get a later opportunity for handsonprayer or if you don't just folllow on with what GOD Gives you.....

 a while back i was at a conference and felt to go forward to ask for prayer you know that impartation sort of thing... the person i asked (cos well that's what was kindof panning out) looked at me and said to me that GOD
Gives the portion measure for the circumstance... you know the way they looked at me i felt patronised but you know what it's GOD i have to deal with ... why so grumpy? me that is?..... is this truely a reason to curtail my activities deflated cos i don't have the hype up encouragement of some of the words i have heard others... is the problem wioth the words.... no whatever the person felt or thought as theylooked at me and  sp-oke GOD's pallet is huge and it is awesome... why on earth would i be even thinking about what others think of me it's wholey irrelevant! what matters is what i am pressing in on GOD for!... well that particular timeframe the same theme kept coming up and that was i me personally has to get it on with GOD there are no short cuts to this... and it has been a consistent theme.... so when a vip now months ago said words of encouragement for me to be like Jesus... and me well i was all for dismissing this they stopped me in my tracks and declared they were prophetic i was still kindof sulking but hey here i am telling of this journey ..... you see that verse i quoted earlier means something... John 12 v49 the listening and responding to GOD... that is Jesus... Jesus is the Lord that Saves fearlessly and completely without conditions (though sometimes a bit of good advice won't go amiss!)... but that listening to GOD is the meat of it... not our invention blueprint someone else's failsafe blueprint or interpretation or anything else it is what GOD Does In the Moment!  the same vip more recently enquired what i was up to... you see if i am not under vip roofs ie church then i must be up to no good! well it felt a bit like that... vip would dispute this but actually vip would then get back to ground zero and i would see this you see we don't need to have these conversations the fact i am the only one understanding or  recognise what is going on or at least that sometghing is going on under the surface means that vip can give the continued impression that i am the bad lad not to be trusted whereas me i is not trusting in what i see nor am i prepared to play those games... but vip asked me a question.... as i went on about solocafe church they asked me a question that's been bugging me it was this ... do i pray for people at solo cafe church?.... hmmm the answer is not no in that yup i pray for those
GOD draws to my attention... but i have not even considered going up to someone... let me spell out some precedent.... somebody went through a phase of getting words for people... which thrilled them i asked if they gave those words... they said no... i suggested that they gave those words.... so they did! me meanwhile gets stuff to pray about soooo.... you see where i am./... mindful of this earlier i sat in a cafe and just prayed ... it was the sort of solocafechurch without bibles or input... just mindful.... ok so did GOD present an opportunity... well a poor person approached me asking for 4p....   i looked at them and said no .. GOD BLESS! and that was pretty much it... did i feel accomplished ?  no .. me i was having a private momen t of irritation about the asking for 4p... they looked cold and poor and they sounded like thye were rather far from home.... so what has changed.... have i got more comfortable at playing the pharisee.. what would the vip do... not be so silly as to sit outside having a fag so oopsy to me

quote of the day: a socialist said the nearest they came to the GOD interest thing was listening to the vaious justifications of inclusive human rights... someone said that it was to do with Jesus' outrageous generosity..... and i likle that too!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

... i know several ... let me illustrate .... oh eventually!

such is the way though of those is it feudalist systems that the self sufficiency of the minion would really be... the minion is terribly useful within the scope of the minion's activities

ooh loads of catching up to do!

start with here amidst a swirl of distraction ... yesterday what comes to mind..... out of my eye i catch a glimpse of a young woman and what i assume is a push chair my view is not good ... as i pass the church i notice her sitting on a bench outside .. and while i am completely caught up in the sustained expression on her face of this feels all too much .. i suddenly notice that it is not a pushchair but a wheel chair the young woman (maybe late twenties) is with a much older woman.... it is Holy Day the church is having an afternoon service they don't go in but sit on the bench outside the young woman in strain.... this is what Holy Day is for catching up with... relatives perhaps.... there too poor for what? they don't appear poverty stricken but there is something poor about their actions their demeanour ....to spend some time in the cold communicating with eachother difficult communications ... there is something startling about the expression of strain on the younger woman.... this is not what she woudl choose? and yet it is what she does... it is easier to speculate than to go up to them and say Jesus Loves You and leave Jesus to do the rest....

earlier that afternoon i had listened to some radio... it was good to hear a former bishop? talk of experience of grief so graphically of course the part that he moulds into is that of ..... where Jesus on the Cross says oh GOD oh GOD why have you forsaken me..... that moulding of the pathos of real life.. where the loss of a loved one renders one incapable of being one personally or socially.. even to the extent that the bank doesn't recognise one's signature... unable to want to be with people when they are there unable to cope with being alone when one is alone he talked of the loss of his wife....  how tough it is to be a 'cheerleader' when others are going through stuff how glib but how physically consuming grief is.... i don't understand why the psalm 22 gets so little attention here... before that programme... i sat through

R.S. Thomas verse play 'the minister' adding to my collection of  programmes about religious communities ... i did enjoy the language and the images of struggle of the everyday of the man appointed by GOD role of pastor in a community ... i loved the conclusions of the writer of the confusion religion has with foundations of GOD exhibited in Creation... i keep thinking about this passage in the Bible about Solomon who's first activity on receiving that promise of Wisdom from GOD is to learn all about animals and plants... nobody else is described in that way ...though perhaps Jesus spending time alone in the desert and his refering to plants and animals uin the way that He does... no the urban man Paul doesn't so neither shall we!.... but i have already seen the film Ordet see below... still it is a theme about complexity of what happens everytime we get some folks being experts .... RS Thomas's pastor is supposed to talk the stuff that GOD talks again and again till folks is ready to hear the truth....   so it is interesting to see the unfurling of man bedded in man's attentions and eroded in man's efforts and the insistent expression of rough nature knocking on doors bursting through windows relentless presence on the hills and valleys of Wales that that too may be saying something fundamental that it is here before us and carries on without us or regardless of us... something like that... it makes me think of ffald-y-brennan and a poem i once hear from the eisteddfford full of the rasping sounds of the welsh language gorgeous compelling all about a salmon in a stream and i suspect much more ... it reminds me of that moment of lostness in the wind and horizontal rain there standing with no visibility surrounded by frightened sheep and 3endless hussocks of tough grass and endless spread of water with uncertain footing ... something of the Holy Spirit took me to and back again that journey of figment of learning to trust to be guided... it is only recently in a conversation we were exploring something i hadn't trhought of like that though i could have... it was about trust .... trusting the 'group' trusting others..... trustin self... how i had to acknowledge that i trusted neither.... trusting GOD well it is where you make contact is it not? and stay connected... the place you no longer set up your flag pole and say this is an island this is my nation... does this sound risky? to take down the flag? well in real life well.... but to let in GOD ... my feeling is that in letting GOD in automatically this lowers the boundaries, loci of contact with others... and GOD is everywhere.... we are not always ready for that and i am not gonna make the excuses i hear others say that annoy me.... this is an adventure and one that everytime i go into .. yes i freak out but it is an adventure... so being lost on what was a marsh and relying on GOD was marvellous! the moment i trusted in the 'what had gone before' by man and beast i was sent flying! GOD is there in the exit GOD is there in the safe place... the safe place is not safe because it is what we recognise as such by our own recognition... it is where GOD is

gonna take a break again

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

argg... it's been a while .... and a very sad return with news of somebody passing... it's not fair... when folks stride out into a role that has far reaching touch if the plug is pulled suddenly some life glue has vanished.... and a lot of people are left with a sense of disaster... what has happened .. it's not fair... it's not fair to not know for example how one is ..

it seems trivial but yesterday some conversations all about bereivement.... it had just been announced that a very generous hosting was about to end quite suddenly we were affected and in a private moment with someone quite tearful i ventured that things end for better Blessings... i sounded quite confident had i not been paying attention?

as .... someone introduces someone as cousin and friend friend for always... surely that should have been cousin for always ... well some cousins were only met every 3 years at funerals where one asked how they were and then well ... one didn't know one's cousins at all really .....

could one not know one's cousins as cousins... some families have an awful lot of cousins ... i was amazed at someone saying they had 30 cousins that they had grown up with in the same neighbourhood... what all with birthdays and birthday presents and parties and things? that seemed an awful lot add in friends and... i baulked a little as i kindov felt this was like what the poor families were a bit like... not everyone but ... well kids failed relationships more kids more failed relationships and so on... way of life or happening of life? and before you know it you have 30 cousins to buy birthday presents and christmas presents for .... how does that work for the poor? do they stop having so many parties or presents.... i mean... what sort of presents could one be resourceful with that can get folks out of the poverty trap... i mean when one has little to spend one has to spend something don't you and does it all get lost someplace? gifts should be meaningful lifechanging surely?... and in truth this can happen on a small frame... but hey we being given stuff to we get no choice.... you have what you have been given and nothing more and nothing less... it's what you've been given ... oh how i resented that some folks seemed to be able to be smug all the time... and how curious i was about some folks who had apparently nothing!?... i kindof love something weird happened to me at some point and totally without planning .... the resentment of the rich on the basis of hey why not me turned to you know what why would i want stuff where i get to swank past others.. and there ain't a thing they can do about it! somehow it doesn't matter how hard the swankers work at it ... what sort of reward was that?  some people love the idea of rich christians... recently someone told of how they had visited a rich christian and found them very humble and that had changed their view of being rich and christian... it did not fall well with me at all... the thing is what do rich christians actually do?
back at conversations what makes you happy money doesn't make you happy... not having enough of what you really needs makes you ill or makes you pretty fragile ... but is it about money? something sticks in my mind of recent storytelling exposure... if you are rich you can afford to have ideals if you are poor you play to different ball game rules... it is from a rich place that one can do the sharing.... well we had 'social changes' following the second world war... hardly a rich time ... but a time for investment in principles that had ongoing effects....  that now... well it's the rich kids run the street gangs and who do the street kids look out for? .....that there is something terribly disturbing about this... it's about survival.... but we can make a choice about looking out for folks beyond ourselves and some do and Roger in his way and in his scope was good at this


gottago

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

that is really sad and shocking!

GOD BLESS EVERYONE RIGHT NOW!

 his hostliness will be missed by a lot of people!

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,

in the middle of town help! completely out of communication... the old ways of knowing when and where collapse with a bit of weather and now here i am thinking help... hey but how many poor folks do you know who don't have mobile phones! i am feelin left out... am i missin out on somethin... meanwhile all around me stuff just vanishes! and me i is chasing my tail apparently for want of somethin better to do with the moment...

... time and place matter ... and i keep finding myself in the same place ... and am i doin what i think i am doin? well no! but is GOD doin what GOD wants doin well yep!... i ask GOD if GOD help me do what i ... i want some sort of deadline for accomplishment and you know what GOD says yes will help and you know what? me i wander off and do somethin else! never quite managing this sense of accomplishment.... hey maybe that is what i am doin right now sort of!... but hey i ain't got to where i is feels needzs to be or so i think? i was telling someone the story of a journey of some weeks to get somethin done and how GOD engineered things.. right on time showing me that GOD was on the case manoevering others and bringing GOD's best.. over the weekend i find myself being reflected back to... sounds like you are fighting with GOD when you need to ... well yes !  sometimes we needs to have a good scrap to move forwards... there is something about the stillness the sullenness of silence the scariness of moments ticking by leaving you behind ... there is only one... tick ticktick... only one tick tock tick tock... one chance to make things happen?.... or even one moment gone by?.... GOD and happenings what if we miss the moment... there is something about the discipline of being on time? of being in time that i feel that i lacks.... me i am more like the Dali picture of something just falling off it's framework slow pliable slide... is this life is this New Life?  GOD?

GOD BLESS!

Peace and Love,